The Journey

Wow, what a journey this is. This great experience called life. Where you learn what love is, pain, friendship, desire. Where you learn that laughter does make things easier. Where you learn that people are more important then things. Where you learn how to give, and how to receive. Where you get a chance to find out who you are, and the reason you are put on this earth. Where you are tested beyond anything you think you can endure. Where you get the opportunity to know God. I believe that everyone who is on this earth is here for a purpose. You have a purpose. I have a purpose. You have a choice. I have a choice. A reason to live. A reason to love. I have had a great opportunity to live, and I desire a lot more time. I'm not finished with my journey. I have so much to see and do. So much to feel and be a part of. So much to learn. No, this isn't the way I thought life was going to be for me...for us, but I have come to realize that this is the life I chose, and I accept it, and I love it. I am enjoying this gift. It's been an amazing ride, and I look forward to the rest of the journey.

Bonnie

I meet with my sister Bonnie at least once a week, and we sometimes talk a couple of times a day. We do all sorts of things together. A few weeks ago we met at IKEA, and fed the kids lunch before we browsed the store. In between 3 kids and 2 adults (not including me) they consumed 45 meatballs, Yowza! We go to each others houses and let the kids run wild in the backyard, or in the basement. While the kids are playing Bonnie and I talk about what we are making for dinner that night, what's new and exciting that we didn't talk about the day before, our kids, our life's, our plans for the warm weather, we reminisce about memories we have made. Sometimes we just sit and watch the kids, enyoying each others company.
One of my favorite things to do with my sister is dance. She always tells our nieces and nephews that she tried out for "So you think you can dance" and didn't make it. I'm always in the background supporting her claim 100%...you should ask her about it sometime. Most afternoons that we hang out, after the kids have napped and had "quiet time", Bonnie turns on the music and we jam out with the kids. They love it. We love it. I remember dancing with Bonnie when we were probably 8 and 10yrs. old in our play room. We would make up different dance moves to Madonnas, Material Girl song, among many others. We thought we were so cool...what am I saying, we WERE cool! When we go to my brothers house and pull out our dance moves we get a lot of strange looks from our nieces and nephew but we don't really care, we're having the time of our life's. It's so nice to spend time together laughing and smiling, just living in the moment and enjoying each other. I'm grateful for her and her sweet family in my life. I look forward to the new experiences and memories we will make, like dancing in the kitchen together with our grand kids, and eating meatballs at IKEA. Heres to you sister! I.Love.You.

Second chances

Yesterday, I had a rough day...Today I'm grateful for second chances. I'm grateful the sun came up, and we had blue skies. I'm grateful that I woke up. I'm grateful I could talk to an old friend. I'm grateful my kids could play with there friends. I'm grateful I could go on a drive. I'm grateful my kids were so happy. I'm grateful we weeded the garden together. I'm grateful for the sunshine on my back. I'm grateful for little kisses and hugs. I'm grateful for my better half. I'm grateful I could sit and be still. I'm grateful I could talk to my sister, I love her. I'm grateful I could use my body. I'm grateful for my green shake. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my voice. I'm grateful for this journey and experiences life is giving me. I'm grateful for the time I've been given. I'm grateful for second chances.

Mirrors

In our home we have sliding door mirrors that cover our closets. They are plastered with kids slobbery kisses, imprints of hands, smudges of tiny lips, and faces. To a "normal" person I'm sure they look dirty, ie; Andy, but not to me! I clean them maybe once a month (if that) when it gets hard to see yourself in them...but in the meantime I'm enjoying those mirrors, and tiny prints. Because someday, they won't be there anymore, they won't need to be cleaned, they won't be kissed, or used for pretend play, or hide and seek. The other day my Mother in law pointed out that there were "a lot" of hand prints on the big mirror in our living room. I just smiled and said I know! Isn't it wonderful? I didn't wash them off, I think I'll enjoy them a little bit longer.

2/28/2011

Every few months I get to go to the Huntsman and get a CT scan, or an MRI to check the status of my "Cancer". If you are dealing with an illness like this, you probably know the drill...The Doctor puts in an order for you to get a scan months in advance, you get to drink a delicious drink called barium (sarcasm here) over a period of an hour and a half before your test, they inject you with a dye which makes you feel like you are wetting your pants, and then you get the scan. The rest of the day you get to deal with all of the junk coming out of your system, it's really quite lovely. This last test my Oncologist suggested I get an MRI because I've gotten so many CT scans and with those scans had a lot of radiation exposure. With an MRI you need to fast 4hours before the procedure, you get to lay super still on a table, strapped down (I guess they are afraid you will jump off), with an IV, wear headphones to block out the sound of the machine. (It sounds like a jack hammer, I'm not joking). The test lasts about an hour. While laying there your mind can run in several different directions. I have learned over the years that it doesn't do me a damn bit of good to think negatively. I let my mind relax, and then my body followed...all the time thinking that I have done everything in my power to get better to follow a healthy lifestyle, to make good choices for myself, body, soul, and spirit. It's almost surreal really, because you are at the mercy of God, of this machine. It's going to give you results, whether they be good or bad, whether they make you happy or sad...you will get results...And you will go forward, and you will keep living, no matter what the results are. You have to.
After checking into my Oncologists office, we wait in the waiting area. There are so many different types of people there. Young, old, middle aged, with hair, without, families, friends...some make small chat, but mostly it is quiet. There is an underlying bond, we're all there for the same thing, going thru similar situations, fighting for our lives. Although I don't know anyone in that room but Andy, I feel like I do, I feel like they are my friends, we are connected.
We are called to the back by our nurse Vanessa. We have known her for 3 plus years, she is a beautiful girl and we exchange what has been going on in our lives. She weighs me, checks my blood pressure, temperature, I get my blood drawn, I'm ready. She leads us back to a room, chats some more and leaves to find our Oncologist. At this point in our visit my heart is racing, and I'm praying...for peace, understanding, insight, love, the prayers pour out of my heart, and cover my soul. I'm fidgety, Andy holds my hand, and we look at each other.
The Doctor comes in, I try to read her face, her movements. After a few pleasantries, we ask, So, how is it? It's stable. Andy squeezes my hand, my heart is racing, I tear up, smile, give thanks to God, and feel like I can breathe. After all day, I can breathe. She does an exam and tells us again. "Sarah, keep proving us wrong, keep proving us wrong." I tell her I will...because that's what I want to do, and I will do it. She tells us we are good for another 4months. I can live with that. We embrace, and tell her thank you. I feel like she cares, I know our team of Doctors care...I am very blessed.
We walk out, and I look around the waiting area, I wonder about all of the others sitting in that room...and I hope that they will receive good news, either way we keep walking, we keep going, we keep living.

Music

My Mother loved music. She grew up taking piano lessons and singing at different functions with her twin sister. As a child I remember her listening to Anne Murray, The Oak Ridge Boys, blaring on the record player while cleaning, and singing along. I know she instilled in us kids the love for music. My Dad told us, that one year my Mom wanted a baby grand piano, so she worked very hard until she saved enough money to buy one....it was beautiful, a treasure. We all got to practice playing on it...I miss those days.
After our Mom died, my Dad set up a music scholarship in her name and memory at Payson High School. My siblings and I are blessed to present it to a recipient each year. Last year my brother Matt gave it out. He said some profound things which touched my heart. I was so proud of him, I'd like to share some of his thoughts with you...they made a huge impact on me.

"As you sit there I ask a question, how many times have you heard a song and were taken to a distant memory? Yanni, the self taught pianist, keyboardist, and composer stated: "Whether a person is spiritual or not, we all seek to get away from the stress, anger, and anxiety of everyday life. Some people drink, do drugs, or do worse to escape, and they hurt themselves in the process. Some people listen to music and feel better."
Our mother loved music. There are times in my life where I can close my eyes and remember her singing a particular song sharing her talents with those around her. This scholarship is one way that we try to help that song carry forward. We have been giving this award for over 25 years...As you listen to music may you ponder these words from the French poet Victor Hugo. "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." We ask you to express your song as out mother expressed hers."

Of course, I cried. I still do. Thank you Mom for bringing music into our lives. Thank you Matt for helping us not forget. I love you brother.

Live Like You Were Dying

Have you ever heard of the song written by Tim McGraw; "Live Like You Were Dying?" Honestly, it's gone thru my mind more then once. A couple of years ago I heard it on the radio, at first the lyrics bothered me, the song hit to close to my heart. I'd push the lyrics out of my mind. After a while they began to pierce my heart. Was I living like I was dying? Doing the things that I truly desired to do? My Oncologist has told me that I was "terminal", and not"going" to get better... I of course disagree. It really got me down one day so I called my Daddy to talk about it. he said; "Sarah, aren't we all terminal? We don't know how much time we have on this earth...life can change in an instant for anyone. Live each day." His words rang true in my soul. For this New Year I've made some resolutions that I look forward to experiencing more in my Life:

Be. Do. Smile. Hope. Peace. Laugh. Give. Run. Grace. Pray.
Receive. Breathe. Travel. Meditate. Experience. Love. Feel.
Joy.
Live.
Live more.
Live life to the fullest.

I look forward to every moment, breath, touch, smile...with Ella, Noah, Andy, family, friends. This will be the best year of my life. I hope it will be yours as well.