Simple Plan - Save You

A couple of years ago when Andy was driving me up to the Huntsman for a doctors appointment. We were listening to music and a song came on by Simple Plan, Save you. I hadn't heard before. He turned it up and said to listen to the lyrics. I listened intently. At the end of it he turned it off and said "This is exactly how I feel about you." Tears streamed down my face.
I cannot imagine how Andy has felt these last 5 years. All of the late nights, praying, care taking, loving, cleaning, restlessness, uncertainty, researching, hoping, pressing forward... He has been a constant in my life, and for this I am thankful. He is my love story. He is part of the reason I am here at this moment. I have never once heard him complain or ask why. Has he struggled? Yes, but he keeps going. I am so grateful he has put his faith in God... in me, NEVER giving up. I am blessed to know him. Thank you for keeping me alive in so many ways...When you think about it, don't we all need saving at one time or another?

Kisses from the sun

The other night when I was putting Ella to bed she asked me why my hands were rough. I told her it was because I washed them a thousand times a day... from cleaning, working in the yard, working at the market, from just being a Momma. She looked at me for a moment then asked "Why do you have so many dots on your face?" I smiled and said "Freckles? They are kisses from the sun." That sufficed her for a moment...she then looked at me and said; "When I grow up, I want to have dots on my face and rough hands like you." I chuckled and told her that I hope she did...
I've been thinking about those comments the last few days. My first reaction from hearing this was: "I'm not getting old!" The deeper I've thought about it I've realized that these hands I have are a blessing to me and my family. I'm grateful that they are rough. They tell a story about my life. I work hard. I play hard. I love hard. I learn the hard way (My dad always told me that). I have held my babies, wiped away tears, held hands with Andy. I've been able to do so much.
I'm grateful for these kisses from the sun on my skin...I've been able to experience the outdoors, explore, live, run, swim, be, work, build, garden. Stand in the earth and feel the sun on my face, my skin. my soul. I feel grounded. I feel whole. I have nothing to hide...just look...it shows on my rough hands and kissed face.

Unexpected Gifts

The other day I received some gifts. I had my scans done at the Huntsman, my Doctor walked in and said "it's stable". These words echoed over and over again in my mind. What a relief. What a blessing. What a gift. Thank you God...thank you.
The other came when my two sweet nieces Jade and Lilli came over. They had a present, and a card they wanted to give me. They were so excited and thrilled about this gift. I opened the present and inside was a beautiful piece of material. It was folded carefully, I let it fall open. It read: "Sarah We Believe In You". Tears streamed down my face. I was overcome with this amazing feeling of peace, and pure love. I reached out and embraced them...Jade jumped up and down and said again; "We believe in you Sarah, we believe in you!" Jade had just gotten a sewing machine for her birthday. I talked to her Mom later and she said that it was their idea, they came up with it themselves, it was their first project! She told me that her and Lilli had cut out each letter, without a pattern and Jade had sewn it together with her machine. I thought it was so cute that the U was sewn together because they had run out of room for it. I look at it often and I see love in it. I see hope. I see a better tomorrow. It's so nice to have this unexpected gift...of two sweet angels believing in me. Thank you sweet girls, thank you.

This is the life

Today the kids and I were driving in the car, the windows down, wind blowing our hair, and touching our faces. We put our arms out the windows and let the warm air swarm around us. During that time I told the kids how wonderful it felt to feel the fresh air, drive in the car, see the beautiful things God has given to us. We drove by a field of sunflowers, a field of dirt, of hay, each sight the kids were equally thrilled to see. I was filled with gratitude and love to my Heavenly Father for this good life I get to be a part of. That I get to share this beautiful world and simple moments with my sweet kids.
We arrived at my Aunt Sandy and Uncle Noels home. Uncle Noel set up a tent in the backyard, tables, chairs, a stove with pots full of water boiling for the 24dozen ears of corn they were getting ready to cook and freeze. Nicoel was there with her kids, and Candi came with Jack and Miles. We got to talk, eat, visit, sweat a lot, laugh, listen to the kids play, catch up, reminisce...I ate so much corn I had a stomach ache that night! But you know? It was worth it! It felt so good to be together, with the people I love. To work side by side. To laugh with each other. I thought to myself several times and even said out loud: "This is the Life"...you know, it really is. I'm happy to be a part of it.

Milestones

A few years ago, when I was very sick I remember having a particularly rough day. I was talking with my sister, expressing to her my deepest and darkest fears... I was so unsure about the future and If I was going to make it. She said something that has stuck with me the last five years. "Sarah, just picture Ella at her first birthday, then her big 5 year old party, and how happy you will be to celebrate her life. Think of when she turns 8 and Andy will baptize her. Picture her 16th birthday and getting her ready for her first date. Picture her getting married, and being there with her. Picture her having her first baby and you holding her or him...can you see those things? Picture you and Andy growing old together. Just take it step by step, one foot in front of the other...you can do this." I have thought of that conversation thousands of times, and it has helped me more then I can express. They are not just words to me, they are my goals. Not just with Ella, but with Noah and Andy.
This year when we celebrated Ellas 5th birthday, it was a milestone for me. We had a big celebration, with so many friends and cousins. Andy thought I was crazy for having such a big party. Ella wanted a pirate theme, cupcakes, swimming, games, the whole shabang! As I have reflected on that day, those moments... I think that it wasn't just for Ella, it was for me to. I'm so very grateful I was here to celebrate her big day...I had envisioned it for so many years, and I feel so blessed and fortunate to have made it! Now onto the next day. the next moment. the next great milestone. xoxo

thoughts

I am sad tonight. I am sad because my good friend Jon lost his "second Dad" to cancer. I am sad tonight because my good friend Teresa is dying from Cancer. I am sad because so many people are hurting from this terrible disease. I wish I could take away the pain and hurt. I would if I could. No questions asked. I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, and my heart breaks. I carry a prayer in my heart at all times for all people...whom I know and don't know. May their pain be lessened. May their lives be enriched. May their time be used wisely. May they know they are loved, if not by close family and friends, but by me. I love you. I will fight for you. I will fight like hell. You will not be forgotten. You will be remembered by loved ones, by your courage, by your faith, by your grace, by your determination, and will. I hope I will be able to help a little...even if it is by a small prayer, which I carry in my heart.

All you need is love

I've been thinking a lot lately about 3 simple, yet powerful words. I Love You. How often do I say them? Do I say it enough? Show it enough? We never know what life will hand us. I remember when I was first diagnosed, one of the first things Andy and I said to each other was "I love you", that is what we needed to hear, needed to be shown. Those 3 words comforted us. There are so many ways to do both. Whether it is a simple touch, a smile, showing real interest in someone, or something a person is doing, stopping to help another, listening. The list can go on and on and on! I know that we all need love, we all want to be loved, we all deserve to be loved. I thank my Heavenly Father every day that I can express the love I have to my sweet family and friends. He has blessed us with a great gift...I hope we never stop using it.