Presence

One of the greatest gifts I feel I can give to my babies is my presence. To be present when I am with them. To put down my electronics, or whatever may have my attention and focus solely on them. To enjoy the everyday, even when it may feel like the same day over and over again. This is a concept I have worked so hard on for many years...especially because I do not know how much time I will have with them...the love I have for them is as big as this world, and beyond...it has been one of my greatest gifts I have ever received to be their Momma on this earth. I know, that they know I love them...that they are my reasons, that they are my everything and they will always be my babies, even when they are old. For whatever reason, God has shown mercy on me and I have been blessed to live throughout these years, watch my babes grow, and I am grateful. Time is an interesting thing. It goes on, even after tragedy strikes, or hearts are broken. It goes on, and people go on as well...and they forget, as I do at times that people need us...that we need us...that our families need us...our babies need us...that a stranger needs us, a neighbor, a friend. That we can be present, at this moment in time...and it is a gift.

Last breath

Sometimes it takes me a while to process information, especially the past few weeks. Emotions, wonder, sadness, peace. It seems complicated in my mind and can only hope my thoughts make sense. This past month I got my scans done, and met with the Huntsman. Each time I go in, I honestly think they will tell me the cancer is gone. Each time...but, that is not the case. I guess it is my heart ever hoping, and it will never stop. It was hard to hear him say that they do not have a cure for my type of Cancer. He is hoping that with time, they will find one. The treatments that they do have are meant to help stabilize the cancer...which what I am currently doing, is doing, and we are grateful. He also said he really hoped someone would find a cure by the time I needed one...because eventually the time would come that I will need to go that route. I asked him if he would find one? He kind of laughed and said he'd start working on that...I guess what has been hard for me is actually hearing him say those words...again. I have chosen not to believe them for many years. I have chosen to do an alternate route, but still go in to maintain, discuss options, and do check ups. My better half always tells me "Knowledge is power." It really is.  For whatever reason, God has shown me mercy. Given me time, given me more then I could have possibly ever asked for. I am living a blessed life. It's just the coming to terms that hurts sometimes...that makes me really think and pause and takes my breath away. Ultimately, I've chosen to let go, let go of those things that don't make sense, and be...just be. It is the process of living, of loving, of fighting...and I won't stop until my last breath.

Alive

So many feelings. So many emotions. I initially started this blog to share my story, which my family felt was important to share. Over time it has become an outlet for me to express my innermost thoughts on life, love, living, dreams, hurt and more life. I do not call myself an expert in any one thing, just a girl living the best I know how. I hope that someday my babies will read through my posts and recognize that their Momma was strong, that their Momma was weak, that their Momma hurt, that their Momma let people into her heart, loved passionately, and felt things. That I felt life, grief, pain, hope and happiness...that they can find hope even when they might feel broken. I hope they will always choose to embrace the light in life. In my opinion there is always light and love surrounding us. As a human being on this earth we each experience emotions that are so profound and at times cut like a knife to our hearts. It makes life...life, and we can choose to keep going, even when we don't know how, we do. We get up, we get dressed, we live and we fight...for love, for hurt, for another day, for another moment, for a warm embrace, for ourselves, so we can feel, so we can live, so we can be. It makes us human. It makes us real. It makes us alive.

Show up

Sometimes things happen that are hard. Transitions are happening all of the time where people pass on from this life who may be young, old, suffering or not. Someone may be struggling emotionally, mentally, loneliness, a diagnosed illness, a terminal illness, a broken heart...where the eye doesn't see. There is so much going on in others lives that we just really have no idea of. We really have no idea, and I think sometimes we think to ourselves that "they will be ok", "someone else" will take care of them. They must have "family" to help them. All of this matters, but doesn't. I've been trying to teach my kids when things happen to people that are hard, or sad, or whatever may be the case to SHOW UP. Show up. Whether it's standing on someones doorstep with nothing in your hands, but everything in your heart. Reach out, and do more then "let me know if you need anything." I am guilty of this line...I have used it many times in my life. Of course, most people don't let you know, they don't ask...they suffer.  Sometimes quietly, sometimes outwardly, but it happens. We are all human and have a connection with one another whether we acknowledge it or not. We need each other. We need that phone call, that acceptance, that hello, that hug, that dinner, that smile, that I am here, right here, I am here...you are not alone...we can do it, we can help each other. We can Show up in each others lives, and make a difference.

Hibernation

This last while I've been in hibernation. I have chosen to be still, quiet and listen more. To my thoughts, my body, my soul. I have needed to rest more...plan my days out accordingly to how my body feels. I've had to slow down and I have noticed a change in me.  I have let myself feel all of the feels that I tend to hold in. I have let fear in for a day or two, and it does more harm then good...it's not good for my thought processes, but it is necessary in some crazy way. Because I am human, I let myself feel these feelings that are so hard to really hear from someone you love, or roll off the tongue into the Universe. No matter what I am feeling inside, it is the truth before us, behind us, entwined in us. I have chosen to move forward, I have let change wash over me. I put a smile on my face, and hold my sweet babes, for they are my everything...and for a short while I am their everything. I step out into the light and wake up.

Crossroads

Life has had a lot of ups and downs the last few months. I had an experience which kind of led to a snowball effect of several incidents that rocked my world. Looking back, and after thinking about it for quite a long time. I let them rock my world, heart and my mindset. Sometimes the things that people you love say, or do things that cut so deeply that it is hard to see the light...when really it was there the whole time. I just wasn't able to find it. I found myself at a crossroads that I felt I had been at before...almost in another lifetime, but I chose to go left, instead of right. My choice to let it hurt me was devastating for my soul, and I felt alone for the first time in a long time.
The things that we experience either make or break us. I believe that there is balance in all things. Sometimes you have to go through the bitter, to know the sweet, and to appreciate the good things. I did not realize that the way I was handling it was affecting my little family...until one evening not to long ago I was talking to my baby girl. She was talking about Papa and how much she missed him...and how it was hard to understand why he died, and why he was gone from this earth. We got to talking and I found myself giving her advice that I myself needed to hear, and I finally listened. I told her that Life was hard, but God has given us so many good things to make Life a little easier. Like a new day, and the sun rising, the sun setting and the light we enjoy over the mountains. A thoughtful person who says hello, or gives a smile. It's our job to find the good amidst the difficult things that we encounter on our journey...because Life isn't easy, so God makes up for it in all of the little things, to help us along the way. It is our job, to find the good, and to be the good. That night, It was like a light bulb went off in my head and heart...yes, that is what I needed to do as well! I knelt before my God and asked for His help...to let go, to forgive, to be forgiven, to live better, to find the good. I found myself at the crossroads again, and I am choosing to find the light.

It is what it is

I have a terminal illness...at least that is what the Doctors told me years ago. We chose not to believe that news. We chose to focus on the positive, focus on what I can do, what we can do together. Over the years, I have learned that there is power in many. There is also power in one. There is power in perspective, and being positive. Power. Hope. Love...in so many things and people. I would be lying if I were to tell you that it was easy having cancer, because it is not easy. There are days that are good, and I am so grateful for those days. I take advantage of them, I soak the moments in and share them with my beautiful babies and family. There are days that are hard, where I feel as if I cannot breathe, where much rest is needed for my body, where sometimes tears flow...but I have chosen for the most part to push forward, keep going, keep breathing, keep living... I remember the good days and they give me comfort, strength and clarity.
It's been two weeks since I went in for my several blood tests, scans, doctor visits, and it's been two weeks since I have been waiting for the news of my scans and results. During this time many have reached out to me and asked how things have been. We've felt so much love, and been the recipient of sweet messages and kindness. It's been overwhelming, in a good way. I've had the privilege of feeling love...genuine love and peace.  I thank my God for He has walked with me, and it has been a privilege to lean on Him, and all of you. I recognize how blessed I am...and that there is power and hope in many. My Oncologist said that things were still considered stable...even tho there were some changes. She said this was good news all things considering. Sometimes the desires that you want are good, but they aren't what you have in the end...and I'm learning that I'm okay with that, I'm letting go and letting God lead the way...That it is, what it is. I will do what needs to be done. I will continue to do my best and live the best way I know how. Love as hard as I can, cry when I feel tears coming, enjoy each moment that I have been given. Work hard and enjoy the sweat running down my back. Hold my babies longer, be present. I will continue fighting like hell...because that's all I know how to do. As I sit here I can feel my heart beating, and a smile crosses my lips...it feels so good to be alive. I am blessed.