Movin on...

My last CT scan didn't go as I had envisioned. We were told that the tumors were still growing and I needed to decide asap when I wanted to start chemotherapy. We were given 2 different types of chemo to choose from, both in there first phase of testing (which means they haven't been tested on humans yet). We were given a lot of information to read about each one and they wanted us to come back in a month to discuss our decision. Of course we were a little dissapointed, and I cried a little but I decided that wasn't going to help me with anything...so we move forward.
Andy suggested we re-evaluate our course of action. Get rid of the stuff that isn't working, keep the stuff that is, and find new things to try. I've been on my "special" diet for 3 months now, which consists of alkaline vegetables, unrefined oils, quinoa, millet, amaranth, and buckwheat, and I added eggs the past month (which are DELICIOUS)! I get colonics twice a week, which help me feel so much better, I'm taking a green drink, several supplements, and eating A LOT of super foods. I'm doing an alternative treatment every 25 days which is called: The Life Vessel, it's located in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It's light, sound and vibrational therapy. We feel like it's been helping me as well. I've also been doing a treatment called EVOX, and ASYRA. There is so much information out there and so many things to explore and try. It's just figuring out what is the best thing for me, for us.
We have been doing so much the last few months, and we have so much more to do. I feel like my Dr's. are really pushing me to do chemo, which really pushes me to find an alternative to it. A lot of people don't realize that if I start the chemo, they tell me I will be on it the rest of my life. I don't want that.
We are moving forward, with Faith, Hope, and Dedication. I'm not giving up, neither is Andy. We will find a cure. We will. May God continue to bless us all.

Andy

I wrote this to Andy on April 26, 2007, I still feel the same today.

Dear Andy,
I am awake at 7am this morning looking at you and thinking of the future. So many people are telling us it is bleak, but God isn't. I would rather believe Him.
I hope you know that you are the love of my life. I never knew that life could be so good and that I would be granted a second chance. I guess we are given trials to make us squeaky clean for the Lord.
My heart is full. I love you so much, more then I can explain, my whole being. You have made this trial so much easier and you have carried this burden with me. Thank you. Thanks for believing and trusting in me. I want to grow old with you. I want to have more children here on this earth. I want to raise Ella. Oh how much I lover her.
I know that God lives. I know that our Elder brother Jesus Christ is my Savior, and if He has gone below us all, I feel like I can do this. For some reason, some purpose we have this trial. We have learned so much. That life is too short to be angry, that Ella is so precious to us. These things are making us stronger.
You are an amazing Dad. I am so proud of you and how much you have grown. It has been wonderful seeing us as parents, I never knew it was so good. I never knew we could be so blessed, beyond measure. And here we are asking for another miracle.
Sometimes I worry because my main concern is you and Ella. I can't bare the thought of leaving you and my baby, but I have to put those fears in Gods hands. He knows the desires of our hearts. He knows that I want to live, I feel it in my whole being.
I am so grateful, grateful to you for your faith and strength. I have drawn from it many times. I need you, I love you, I want you, I am thankful for you. You have been so strong and amazing. We are so blessed Andy. We have such a good life. I look forward to many more years with you. I love you to the moon and back baby. You are always in my heart. Thanks for being my best friend.
Love you,
Sarah

May 3, 2010

Dear Andy,
Ditto, but with one more kid! I love you so much baby! We're gonna do this!
Love,
Sarah

Remember

Once in a while I feel this overwhelming sadness. It comes from deep within and comes out of my soul and body. I feel overpowered by it, almost knocking me down. I have this surge of emotion where I feel and think a million things at once...My mind is usually racing with thoughts of; "What Ifs?", doubt, worry, and grief...followed by tears of sadness and loneliness...and then the word "remember" comes to my mind. I remember the many blessings which I have received that have given me words of comfort. I remember the promises given in those blessings upon my being faithful. I remember that I'm not alone. I remember that God is with me and will not leave. My tears stop, because I've remembered...followed by peace.

Lucky

This past Saturday I was privileged to be able to attend the Hope For Sarah garage sale. There was one in Payson and in Orem. I call it a privilege because I was able to meet so many amazing and wonderful people. I was surrounded by loving family and friends who spent an entire Saturday donating their time and treasures for me and my family. They had everything there you could possibly imagine from hand dipped chocolate covered oreo's (thanks Candi) to pink disposable razors that sold like hotcakes! We were able to learn a lot of good skills from our top saleswoman Linda, who actually sold a box of razors to a bald man! I was also able to talk to quite a few people who themselves are struggling to fight cancer or have a loved one fighting. I was humbled that so many people cared and were so willing to help. I shed many tears that day, and my heart is overflowing with love. My daughter Ella asked me several times why they were having a sale. I told her it was to help Mama get better. That night in her prayers she said: "Thank you for the garage sale, and for all of the people who helped." I feel pretty lucky, and better already.

Time

Time. I think about this word often, maybe to much. It goes on with or without you. Moment to moment. Breath to breath. How am I spending it? What am I doing with it? What have I done with it? Time. We only have so much of it. Some longer then others, some shorter then others. It is so precious. Cancer has helped me to hug a little tighter, love a little harder, cry a bit easier, say I'm sorry quicker, hold my babies a little longer, and sing just one more lullaby Mama, and when that one is over then sing again. Time. What do you do with it?

Some days I feel like this...

A week after we heard the news from my PET scan I started a new diet. I jumped in full force and have hardly looked back...well to be honest the first few weeks I dreamed of doughnuts a lot! The diet is called an Alkaline diet. I have known about this type of diet for years but never had the desire to do it...here is why: I can only eat land and ocean vegetables, almonds, unrefined oils, quinoa, millett, amaranth, and most seeds and herbs. Which has been very difficult some days, but worth it. I've been completely off of Dairy, Meats, Grains and Sugar for 31 days. Looking back on this month I am amazed and relieved that I've been able to do it. Since starting I've learned a lot of different ways to cook vegetables and they taste good! Which has been exciting for me because I love food and finding new recipes.
I'm planning on doing this phase of the diet for 3 months, and we will see where I am at that time and how I'm feeling. I have felt very strongly that I needed to change what I was putting into my body. I've asked Heavenly Father to heal my body, and in doing so I feel a great responsibility with how I am taking care of myself, and what I am eating. My Dad always taught me that "God helps those who help themselves." I know that this is true.

2 of the reasons why I'm thanking YOU

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank ALL of you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for helping me to bare this burden. Thank you doesn't seem enough, I hope it will do.