I Am a Child of God

I am a Child of God, and He
has sent me here,
has given me an earthly home
with parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me,
walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
to live with Him someday.

I sing this song to Noah almost every night. (He actually sings along with me.) It is a beautiful song with an amazing message. The lyrics give me comfort and remind me that He has given us so many blessings. I want to live with Him someday.

A new phase

As many of you know I've been doing an Alkaline diet for the last 4 1/2 months. I was following The Body Ecology diet, and protocol. In the beginning of this diet I was extremely ill. My body was going through a "healing crisis". I was exhausted, cranky (so sorry Andy), and worn down. I also lost about 15 pounds. Slowly but surely I began to get stronger and stronger. I felt more balanced and really started loving the lifestyle change. When we went back in May to the Huntsman and didn't see any changes we knew we needed to reevaluate the course of action we were taking.
Andy started researching a couple of different alternative therapies. We had a consultation scheduled for a Dr. out in North Carolina, and then a good friend of mine called me and told me to watch this clip on you tube about a Dr. Robert Young. After watching it I started researching him and his protocol. Out of the 2 Dr's. I felt that Dr. Youngs protocol made more sense and it felt right. On July 2, I had the amazing opportunity to meet with Dr. Young, he wrote The PH Miracle Diet. He also did a live blood cell analysis, which was fascinating. He gave me some guidelines that I will be following for the next 3 months. Today is actually my 9th day, and for the most part I feel really good. For the next 81 days I will be on a "liquid feast". Which means that everything I consume is pureed (certain veggies), and I am allowed to eat tomatoes, cucumbers, and avocados, in moderation. I do a combination of diet, exercise, massage, sauna, colonics, and sunshine...as well as supplements.
Overall, I've had good days and some rough days...life has been made much easier by loving friends and family who have reached out to help make our load lighter, thank you! I have been humbled and been brought to my knees, thanking Heavenly Father for this opportunity...that I may learn and become what He would like me to be. I am excited to be on this journey and am thrilled to have the ability to do this process. I know it is the right path for me to follow. I am blessed by a loving husband who works so hard taking care of me and our babies. He makes our lives easier. One thing is certain that I know with all of my being is that God lives, and he will not leave us alone. May God continue to watch over us all, may we let Him in. May we always find hope in our lives.

The best thing ever..

Each night when it's time for bed, when stories and scriptures have been read, we say "Night, night" to Ella and Daddy, give hugs and kisses. Noah comes with me in his room and Ella stays with Daddy to read a story (Noah insists on me putting him to bed, which I love). I wrap Noah up in his blanket and he has to have his "baby" with him (which is a white lamb), and a drink. I rock him in the rocking chair and ask him what his favorite part of the day was. He says things like Grammy, Papa, Ella, Daddy, swing, pool, play. We talk about his day and what he did. Sometimes I have know idea what he's saying, but we carry on talking with each other. I then sing him lullabies, and before he falls asleep I tell him that he is the best thing that has ever happened to Momma and Daddy. I kiss his sweet head, and face, gently lay him in his crib, tell him I love him, and walk out of the room.
Next stop Ellas. She is usually playing quietly waiting for me. I get her situated and ask her what her favorite part of the day was. She says things like being with her cousins, spending time together as a family, being outside. She tells me what she has done that day, and the things that she would like to do another day. We talk. It is quiet. No noise, just the two of us, we are connected. I ask her what lullaby she wants me to sing...even though I already know which one she will choose. I sing "Lullaby, don't you cry, go to sleep little baby...I touch her face, outlining it with my fingers. I move the hair out of her eyes, and she smiles. She touches my face, and rubs my arm. After a few minutes of singing I tell her that she is the best thing that has ever happened to Momma and Daddy. She gets a huge smile on her face and usually says that she knows! I tell her I love her to the moon and back and she says the same to me. We hug and I kiss her face and head. "Night, night", I say as I walk out of her room. I smile, so thankful our kids know they are the best things that has ever happened to us.

Beauty, is in the eye of the beholder

After my first consultation with my first oncologist 3 1/2 years ago, my biggest concern was, When was I going to lose my hair? His answer: 14 days. At the time that was forefront on my mind, and a major concern. I started my first infusion and was sick, tired, and sick some more. Each day would be 1 day closer to the magic number 14. It was like a count down. I first began noticing a bit falling out when I was in the shower, or brushing it, or when I would pull it back more came out. I had it cut to my shoulders, and had our good friend Jon Canlas come over and take photos of our family to help me remember what I looked like, what we looked like together.
Before day 14 I'd finally had enough. I told Andy I was ready for him to shave it off! He looked at me surprised, and said okay. We waited until Ella was asleep and I sat down at the kitchen table. He got his clippers and started cutting. He made a mullet first (for some strange reason I think mullet's are hilarious) we took some photos, and laughed a lot. My brother Matt wanted me to email him the photos, I told him there was no way in hell I was going to do that! Then Andy gave me a buzz... I thought that I would cry, but I didn't. It was invigorating, I was in control, I was bald, so what! I was still me! I will always remember that moment because Andy and I embraced, he took my head in his hands and kissed my bald head. I have never felt more beautiful in my entire life then when I was bald...This may seem strange to hear, but it is true.

Memory Jar

Today I gave Ella her own "Memory Jar". It looks like a regular old mason jar, but what it holds inside is priceless. I have several of them. To a stranger it may seem like a lot of rocks and maybe even junk, but to me each item inside holds special memories. When I opened mine to show her what was inside she was so excited. She put her tiny hand in the jar and began pulling out rocks, marbles, sea shells, and a flood of memories poured threw my mind and heart. I pointed out the feather that was inside, telling her that while her Daddy and I were dating I found that feather on the sidewalk. I wanted to keep it because it was beautiful and I thought of him when I saw it. There was a rock that had a smiley face drawn on it. Ella had given it to me a long time ago, it is special because she drew on it. She pulled out a blue stone that my Aunt Lorraine had given to me years ago, she collected these and shared one with me, I felt special. I see a few seashells that my dear friend Trudi had given me, when she had traveled to Australia. Each piece I hold or see brings me back to the moment I received it, or found it. I see each face as clear as day, I hear the words that were spoken, I feel the love that was shared between us. My heart is filled with love and I am so happy to have these beautiful memories. Especially since My Aunt Lorraine, and dear friend Trudi have moved onto the next life.
I pulled out a "Memory Jar" for my little Ella, opened it and gave it to her. I told her that this jar was "Special", and she could put all of her "Memories" that she wanted to put inside. Whenever she felt sad or lonely she could open this jar and remember special things about each object, remember the person, animal, or thing. This was something she didn't have to share with her brother, it was her own. She asked me if she could have some of my stones, and shells. I thought for a moment and said "Yes." She carefully put each item into her jar, then added a few things of her own. A favorite plastic spider a friend gave to her, a pine cone she found at my Mothers grave, a rock she found in the backyard...I asked her where she wanted to put it. Up with mine she said, so I placed it on the window sill where she could look at it everyday, where I could look at it everyday, and be reminded of the beautiful memory we just made.

Movin on...

My last CT scan didn't go as I had envisioned. We were told that the tumors were still growing and I needed to decide asap when I wanted to start chemotherapy. We were given 2 different types of chemo to choose from, both in there first phase of testing (which means they haven't been tested on humans yet). We were given a lot of information to read about each one and they wanted us to come back in a month to discuss our decision. Of course we were a little dissapointed, and I cried a little but I decided that wasn't going to help me with anything...so we move forward.
Andy suggested we re-evaluate our course of action. Get rid of the stuff that isn't working, keep the stuff that is, and find new things to try. I've been on my "special" diet for 3 months now, which consists of alkaline vegetables, unrefined oils, quinoa, millet, amaranth, and buckwheat, and I added eggs the past month (which are DELICIOUS)! I get colonics twice a week, which help me feel so much better, I'm taking a green drink, several supplements, and eating A LOT of super foods. I'm doing an alternative treatment every 25 days which is called: The Life Vessel, it's located in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It's light, sound and vibrational therapy. We feel like it's been helping me as well. I've also been doing a treatment called EVOX, and ASYRA. There is so much information out there and so many things to explore and try. It's just figuring out what is the best thing for me, for us.
We have been doing so much the last few months, and we have so much more to do. I feel like my Dr's. are really pushing me to do chemo, which really pushes me to find an alternative to it. A lot of people don't realize that if I start the chemo, they tell me I will be on it the rest of my life. I don't want that.
We are moving forward, with Faith, Hope, and Dedication. I'm not giving up, neither is Andy. We will find a cure. We will. May God continue to bless us all.

Andy

I wrote this to Andy on April 26, 2007, I still feel the same today.

Dear Andy,
I am awake at 7am this morning looking at you and thinking of the future. So many people are telling us it is bleak, but God isn't. I would rather believe Him.
I hope you know that you are the love of my life. I never knew that life could be so good and that I would be granted a second chance. I guess we are given trials to make us squeaky clean for the Lord.
My heart is full. I love you so much, more then I can explain, my whole being. You have made this trial so much easier and you have carried this burden with me. Thank you. Thanks for believing and trusting in me. I want to grow old with you. I want to have more children here on this earth. I want to raise Ella. Oh how much I lover her.
I know that God lives. I know that our Elder brother Jesus Christ is my Savior, and if He has gone below us all, I feel like I can do this. For some reason, some purpose we have this trial. We have learned so much. That life is too short to be angry, that Ella is so precious to us. These things are making us stronger.
You are an amazing Dad. I am so proud of you and how much you have grown. It has been wonderful seeing us as parents, I never knew it was so good. I never knew we could be so blessed, beyond measure. And here we are asking for another miracle.
Sometimes I worry because my main concern is you and Ella. I can't bare the thought of leaving you and my baby, but I have to put those fears in Gods hands. He knows the desires of our hearts. He knows that I want to live, I feel it in my whole being.
I am so grateful, grateful to you for your faith and strength. I have drawn from it many times. I need you, I love you, I want you, I am thankful for you. You have been so strong and amazing. We are so blessed Andy. We have such a good life. I look forward to many more years with you. I love you to the moon and back baby. You are always in my heart. Thanks for being my best friend.
Love you,
Sarah

May 3, 2010

Dear Andy,
Ditto, but with one more kid! I love you so much baby! We're gonna do this!
Love,
Sarah