Living with gratitude

It's been a rough few days, and some long nights since doing my last treatment.  I've struggled to see the light at moments. Today I was reminded by all that I have been given...just by hearing this powerful man share his thoughts on gratitude. Instantly I felt better and remembered there is good in everything...even when things are hard, there is good.  I am grateful for a new night that darkness brings and a new day tomorrow for living and finding joy in all I have.

I Lived

This morning when I awoke I bowed my head and kneeled...thanking my sweet Heavenly Father for another day of life.  For another year. What a gift He has given to me.  I am so grateful for this life that I have...I couldn't have asked for a better one.  I've been blessed beyond more then I could have ever imagined to experience so much...to feel.  I've felt Joy. Hope. Pain. Sorrow. Empathy. Been broken. Healed.  Felt the bitter, to know the sweet. Felt the magic of the Earth. Warmth.  Rain. Wind. The Hope of new life. Freedom. Happiness. Darkness. Light. My absolute favorite; Love. I hope to live many, many, many more days on this earth.  I have so much to look forward too.

Healing

I get to hold a little piece of heaven almost everyday.  I smother him with kisses. Hold him against my heart and listen to him giggle. Sometimes he snuggles me, and I swear he is hugging me! As soon as I see him he brightens up the room with his smile. We are connected.  He is not my baby...but he is healing my heart.  A while ago I mentioned in one of my posts that I longed for another child, and knew I would not have one again on this earth. Which is hard sometimes, but I am living. My sweet sister had a beautiful baby boy a few months ago. We were all thrilled for her...

A while back as we were sitting together with her new babe I told her something that was on my heart and mind since he was born. "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, or think it's weird, but I feel like you had this baby for me too. I get to hold him, love him, kiss him, feel his sweet spirit and soul. He is healing my heart...God gave me a gift through you." Being the lovely and in tune sister she is, she said she was so happy she could "share" him with me...she knew this sweet spirit was here to help me too. He is oh so young, but has accomplished much in his short life. How grateful I am for this blessed chance I get to love and hold on to him for little moments...What an honor it is for me to be in his life. Peace has surrounded my soul. Healing engulfs my heart...living feels so good.

Life is good, even when it's hard.

Sometimes life brings us a pay day and when they come I soak it all in...today was one of those days.  For months we have been working with the kids to learn how to ride their bikes on their own. They just weren't interested in it. Last week my sweet Ella had her friends over to play.  They took off her training wheels themselves (tools and all) and were teaching her the things she needed to do.  I stood back and let it happen. I've noticed if I say too much then she usually backs down, so I watched.  She tried a few times and the excitement puttered out and they were onto something different.  The next day I'd told Andy about her adventure. He asked her if he could see her ride and she said sure. She got onto her bike and was a bit wobbly at first. Andy held onto her seat and talked with her...soon she was trying.  Again and again and again...and then it came, she was off Andy running next to her.  I was screaming and clapping; you're doing it baby girl, you're doing it! I was so happy.  We were thrilled!  Noah saw his sister and he ran to his Daddy and told him he wanted his wheels off too! After 3 times of falling and getting up again he did it, he was riding on his own! I probably looked like a lunatic from how excited I was yelling and jumping up and down! We loaded our bikes in the truck and headed out to an open space.  All of us got on our bikes and road around together. It was nice to just be.
I was so proud of my sweet husband teaching our babies how to ride a bike.  Grateful I was blessed to be apart of this moment that I'll never forget, and most likely they won't either. Proud that they didn't give up, and kept going....until they reached their goal.  Grateful I could watch them learn something new.  Thankful to have the blessing to be alive in that moment. To feel what I was feeling.  Pure. Joy. Peace in knowing that life is good, even when it's hard...it's still good.

Rocks

We love collecting rocks...well my kids and I do! I have jars and jars of them.  They have found there way into the strangest places. The other day I found one in my sons bed. He has them scattered on his dresser, and amongst his toys.  I did laundry and there were loud noises coming from the dryer. I opened it up and found 4 rocks! I had to chuckle, and I took a picture of them so I'd remember. My daughter has a huge collection and they are all lovingly placed in my Grandmas old jewelry box, it has so many drawers. Quite a few years ago before we had kids, Andy was moving us into an apartment.  I was the packer and he was the loader.  He picked up this particularly heavy box and asked me what I had in there because it was so heavy? I just shrugged my shoulders and said stuff! Well, he opened the lid and about had a heart attack because it was full of rocks! He exclaimed: "What? I've been packing out rocks this whole time?" He said a few choice words and then threatened to throw them in the back yard! Thank goodness he didn't, but I did learn my lesson; to disperse the rocks into several boxes, not just one! I'm laughing just thinking about it and seeing his face.  It was hilarious. While walking home from school the other day my sweet girl had picked up a rock and was showing it to me.  She had "found it in someone's front yard (oops). By looking at it, it was quite plain, but then she pointed out to me that when she put it into the sun something magical happened...it sparkled! I was so touched by her thought that I began to tell her that people are a lot like rocks.  Sometimes they may seem plain, hard and ordinary on the outside,  but when you put them in the sun they shine. They are beautiful.  They radiate. We never know what someone is like until we really get to know them and give them a chance. Our conversation started and finished within a minute...we held hands and walked home.  A few days later I asked her where her shimmering rock was?  She opened a few tiny boxes and handed it to me..."It's beautiful Mom, isn't it? Look at it in the light...So many lessons to learn from my sweet babies. I am Happy. This is what living is about.

One day at a time

While driving in the car with my baby girl today this was our conversation: "Momma, were you sick a lot when I was younger?" I said "Yes, I was." She then asked me: "Momma, were you gone a lot to the Doctor?" "Yes, I was." "Momma, I remember you taking me to all of these peoples houses because you couldn't take care of me...you were SO sick.  I am so happy now that you get to spend so much time with me now, and I get to stay with you.  I know you still get sick, but now we get to do a lot of fun things together and we get to be together."  "I know baby girl, it is so nice." I then explained to her that sometimes in life you have hard things that you have to deal with, but you keep going.  You never, ever give up, even if it might feel hard you just keep living each day and you do your best.  Today I had some hard minutes, yet I'm grateful for these quiet moments that I can reflect with my sweet girl. That I can remember where I've been, enjoy the present and look forward to the future one day at a time.

Reflections

Today I felt joy. My heart beat was fast. I worked hard. I breathed hard. I lived hard. I talked with good people. I laughed. I shed a tear or two. I smiled. I reflected on this earth...this life...this journey.  I felt joy.  I let it in and it engulfed me. I saw God in many things: people, children, the grass, earth, the sun on my back. It felt so good to sweat.  To work.  To live in each moment.  To experience life.  I received love, sweet hugs, saw old friends, made new ones.  Living.  I am content...happy.  Ate sweet fruit.  Shared stories.  Shared. Met survivors, warriors and fighters.  I felt hope.  I felt peace.  I witnessed the human spirit and it amazed me.  I felt peace. I was connected. I am blessed.  Today I felt joy. How lucky am I? Very.