Sundays

I love Sundays. We get up late.  Stay in our pj’s.  I make a big breakfast.  Today I made waffles. The kids were thrilled and while we were eating (I was slurping down my shake) Ella announced that she was on a “special diet.” She said she could only eat certain foods, and only drank water. I asked: “Oh, really?” A few moments passed and she said:  “I have Cancer just like Mommy!”  My heart stopped.  What seemed like 5 minutes, was only a few seconds…Daddy said to never say that again, and that the conversation was over…but it wasn’t for me.  I told her that Mommy wanted to be healthy, so that is why I ate the things that I did…it wasn’t fun to have Cancer.  It reminded me when I was a kid, and I wanted to be just like my Momma.  I followed her around, and wanted to go everywhere she went. I mimicked her every move.  The thought had never occurred to me that my Ella wanted to be just like me in every sense.

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Tonight while I was tucking her into bed, she asked me if I was doing a treatment.  I told her yes, and explained what I was doing. Her tiny face scrunched up like she was going to cry, her lip trembled...she said "Momma, when you get better from this Cancer, will you be able to stop wearing your oxygen?" I told her "Yes, yes I will." She was trying to be brave...I told her to cry, just let it all out...she put her head in my lap and cried. I wept with her. My dear sweet little baby girl, oh how I love you so. I cradled her in my arms and rocked her like a baby, holding her close, singing her lullabies, tracing her face with my fingers, in awe of how much she has grown since she was just a babe.  We helped comfort each other.  A few minutes passed, and soon she was talking about the tooth fairy, and she wondered out loud what the color of her hair was? I laid her down, gave her kisses, and hugs, wished her sweet dreams, and left...my heart still aching. I have so many hopes and dreams for her, for us...It will all be okay sweet girl, it will all be okay. I promise. xo