Thursday, February 7, 2013
Sometimes...
Sometimes I let myself mourn for the life I would have had. I long for one more baby, to have the choice to have another child, and not have to answer all of the difficult questions...What if there are complications? Is it selfish for me to desire another...would I chance leaving my babies alone on this earth? My heart breaks...literally breaks, and I weep, and somehow find comfort, and a still heart thru my tears. So much talking, and getting nowhere but the beginning...the same beginning. I long for the day where my life isn't filled with Dr. visits, iv's, shots, illness...where my life doesn't revolve around if Mommy isn't feeling well. I try so hard to look at the good things, for there are so many blessings I have....but sometimes these thoughts creep up on me and I need to release them. For so long I held them inside, pushed them down, but they always come back to me...Now, I'm letting them go...one by one. God knows my heart, and He is good...He always finds a way to take care of me...and I am grateful and happy that He cares. In the meantime I wipe my last tears away, and move on...living.
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4 comments:
I once read that unmet expectations were the hardest trials, and I had to agree. You do a great job of acknowledging your blessings, and it's okay to mourn for what you might have had.
There was an article in the ensign this month about the refining fire of grief. It really touched me, and it talked about grieving over unmet expectations, about grieving/mourning being completely normal and how emotional pain is still pain, it still hurts. And the fact that only the person who feels it truly knows the depth of the pain. (does that make any sense at all....it made sense to me) But I've come to the same conclusions, God knows us each individually, our Savior knows each and every one of our pains- he knows, he cries out with us when we don't think we can take it anymore. Keep moving forward, I will too.
I. Love. You. Oh your words resound in my head! Our trials are different but these feelings you describe perfectly...I feel some too. Mourn Sarah...if yoh must you must. The bitter with the sweet. Xoxo
I love you so much Sarah, you are always such an inspiration. Thank you so much for taking your tremendously hard trial and learning from it and in the process allowing us all to learn from it as well. Mourning with those that mourn is truly inspired doctrine from Heavenly Father. It is what connects us all to each other as brothers and sisters. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.
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