Ingrained

Gosh, sometimes life is HARD. I mean, really HARD. Sometimes life is out of our hands and the things that happen we have no power over...and it can bring us overwhelming heartache, and you just wonder how much you can bare...but you wake up every day and get up, even tho you might not want too, get dressed and go thru the motions, even tho your heart is breaking. You put on a smile and a happy face and just push thru, and you keep going...because that's what you have chosen to do-keep going. Even when life brings you to your knees and you talk till you're out of breathe and can't talk anymore and just hope God knows your heart and can make sense of what you're trying to make sense of yourself. You just keep hoping and just keep going, because you have chosen too, and maybe that's all you can do, and that's all that makes sense to do. Because you've been a fighter all your life, it's ingrained in you, you were taught to not give up, you were taught to pick yourself up, you were taught to keep going and you will keep going-even when it's hard...because that's what you have chosen to do, and no matter what-the light will come.

Heart

Sadness seeps in the light of my heart. Covers my eyes to hope. Leaving me gasping for air and thrashing...empty and alone. I hear a cry, it's my own heart pleading, pushing, standing, breathing, alive...even amidst the turmoil, questions, heartache. It beats for me, for hope, for love. It beats, and I remember for a moment that I am strong, even tho broken, I'm strong. I remember and the light wakes me up to hope...it wakes me up. The sadness fades, the light shines, and my heart beats. I'm alive.

Kenny

It seems like a lifetime ago when I was a kid...I remember some things very clearly. Going on road trips with our little family. My parents would listen to Dolly Parton, The Oakridge Boys and good ol' Kenny Rogers. We would listen to all of their cassette tapes over and over again. I'm pretty sure we knew all of the words to each song. All these years later when I play or hear certain songs it reminds me of those good ol' times, and good ol' memories. In fact, we listened to The Gambler the other day with our kids and we talked about those road trips, and memories associated with the song. It also reminds me of my Mommas, Daddy...boy, do we miss them both. I honestly think this song has some really good advice in it for us to follow. To me it is not just about gambling, it's about LIFE...just knowing when to hold on, walk away, knowing when to run. I mean, Life feels like a gamble at times, but we keep going, and we don't give up until it's done.  Every single day we have choices before us, and at times we may feel like we have a losing hand, but we play what we have and do the best we know how...and the rest we just gotta let go sometimes. As my daddy always tells me; "It will work out", and you know what? It always does...especially with Kennys help.

Photograph

I get teased often because I take a million pictures. I don't even really ask people to pose or to look at the camera, I just take it as is. In the moment. I used to get asked a million times why I needed to take so many dang photos. Now, it's just known that I am that gal who does.
To be honest the reason I do it, is to capture the moment, the second where everything is still and we are happy. Where we can look back on them when life is hard, and we can feel all of the love that is in these photos...we can share memories and stories of young and old.
The first time I heard Ed Sheerans song, Photograph I cried. He said everything that I feel when I look at the photographs of my loved ones. We all have hard things to face in this life. Life is hard, and in the same breathe it is beautiful. I strive each day to find love and point it out to my family. Love is everywhere and in everything, and in really dark and bleak days it can be in that photograph...which can remind us of happy times, of being care free, living and enjoying each other...giving us that warm hug we just need sometimes. I want my babies to know and remember this, all of this is for them, all I have chosen to do is for them...they are my everything...they are the reason I feel alive. Even though life is not perfect, I want them to have these photographs to look back on, to remember, to remind them of the love that we have...the hope in our eyes. It's always been there, and will be there till the end and beyond. It's intertwined in each part of our lifes...it's in all of us. It is one of the greatest gifts we have.

The power to choose

I can only hope to teach my children to think of others, rather then themselves. To reach out, even when you may feel you have nothing to give. Being thought of, and acting on that thought is a very powerful tool. It can brighten someones day, when they might feel alone or hopeless. It can give light to someone who may be enveloped in darkness. It can boost the confidence of a young lady or a young man who may feel lost or lonely in their group of friends. To be thought of by another human being and to act on that thought for another human being is one of the most powerful things we can do to change someones life...sometimes even in a completely different direction. Over the years, I consider our family truly blessed from the kindness of others, it's been given so freely, and at times has been so desperately needed. It can be so simple to choose kindness, to choose good, to choose to include, to choose to make that call, to choose to open your heart, to choose to show up, to choose to listen, to choose to support, to choose to love, to choose to sacrifice...even if you may think you have nothing, you do. Just look inside and you will find it.

Memories

Memories are so powerful. They can invoke so much emotion in seconds...sometimes they are happy and joyful, or remind us of sadness and hurt. Recently, I was reflecting and suddenly overcome by such a powerful emotion of sadness and joy at the same time. Tears ran down my face as I recalled the memory of the parting of my sweet momma at such a young age...yet thru it all the memories brought me to joy of all of the memories I had left of her. In her short life she lived. She was fierce, loyal and strong. She loved passionatley, had a unique laugh, fought hard, and loved. Loved. That is what I remember the most, is that she loved, and she wanted to stay on this earth, but she didn't. Now, I teach my babies what I remember about her. I see her strength in them, in me, in my siblings. She is in our hearts, in our memories, an angel to watch over us, and carry us thru. I value my memories. I value the experiences we make together as a family. Whether they are good, hard, happy or sad. We are creating memories to carry us thru our lives. I can only hope that my babies will remember the moments we experience, the challenges, heartache, loss, hope, the love I have for them, the bond which cannot ever be broken. Thru it all, we have each other, and the memories that no one can take away from us.

Good Life

I am blessed. Sometimes I have to remind myself how lucky I am. Perspective is everything. I have loved this message and song for years. I have chosen that whatever life throws in my direction, I will persevere, I will do what needs to be done, even when it is so hard, I will find the good in each day, move forward, love, embrace, live and remember the good life I have been blessed with.

Again

I've never figured out how many tests and scans I've had over the years. It seems like so many, more then my fingers and toes combined. I've asked hundreds, and thousands of times it seems for prayers, and to be honest. I have appreciated every.single.one.of.them. This is why I cannot deny that there is a greater power on this earth and above. Because, I have felt carried by love and angels, by others prayers and faith. Carried, even in my deepest of sorrows, that the heart cannot explain. I have been carried by strangers, loved ones, family, friends, and God. Carried...and thru it all, I ask again for your prayers. Because I am going in today for my 100th scan, to see my progress, to detect a change...to see where the cancer is, to see if it's grown, to see if it's not, to see where it's located, to see what I need to do, to see where my blood is...is it normal, is it not, is it good, to see why I am tired, to answer the question everyone has, has the cancer spread? Is it stable, is it active, is it dormant, is it, is it, is it...and the question I have is, please send a prayer. Thank you for helping me all of these years. It's one of the greatest gifts you've ever given to me...again, and again.

The Ride

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into my parents. I guess it's that I'm getting older, and realizing what I used to think was important way back when, is really not as important as I once thought. At times I've found myself saying things that my parents used to say to us as kids, and I'm like: What the hell? But, I end up saying it anyways...then laugh to myself. It's not that my parents were bad parents or anything...but some of the things they said to us drove me crazy! For instance: "Use your head for more then a hat rack." or, "Don't wear your emotions on your sleeve."  Or, "Money doesn't grow on trees!" Or, "I hope you have a kid like you someday!" Which, actually has come true! Karma has come back around, in a full circle. It's days like today that I'm really grateful for my parents. One, that they didn't give up on any of us kids. Two, that they taught us we could and can do hard things. Three, that even tho we aren't perfect, we all get along pretty well, and it's so nice to know we have each other. I recognize that I'm pretty blessed. Not only with parents who love me, but with brothers and sisters, and sister in laws, brother in laws...family. Family means more to me then the stars in the sky. It's nice knowing none of us are perfect. It's nice knowing we can lean on one another. It's nice knowing we turned out pretty good, even tho I'm not sure our parents thought we would when we were younger. It's nice knowing I can trust someone. It's nice knowing I can ask for help and one of them would be there. I'ts nice to have each other. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard, and the good again. The ride has been worth it, and I'm ok with turning into my parents, especially knowing we all have each other. It's been a hell of a ride, and I'm glad it's not over.

Journey of living

I think I would feel lost in this life and journey, with out believing in something greater then myself, greater then my experiences, greater then what I am taught, or what I understand. I honestly feel like we as human beings have a higher power that we can ask for help, for guidance, for light. We really may not all believe in the same things, and we may even disagree at times in our theories, beliefs, the way we choose to live our lives...but I feel like we are all connected by a greater power beyond anything we understand. I believe it is a Heavenly Father who loves us infinitely, another may believe in Mother earth as the divine, or the universe calling you one way or the other. No matter what one believes or chooses to believe, I have learned over these years that God is real, and He loves us, and it is okay to believe differently. I know that I have the power to find hope in each new day, or night as it comes to an end. If I feel defeated, I can find light in even the smallest things, in humans, in humanity. Not anything by my own doing, but in the light I was born with. The light we are all born with. I find myself as of late praying for peace, for peace in who I am, peace in raising our children, peace in each other, for peace in accepting. For remembering that everyone we see, or know has their own battles that they fight, to see past the outside and look into the heart...because really, that is what truly matters. It gives me comfort to know that this greater power, knows our hearts, and loves us all for who we are and who we are becoming on our journey of living. I cannot deny this.

Rain

I'm not going to lie, sometimes life and things that happen in life are so hard and difficult. Sometimes I feel so sad, lonely, and tired...for whatever reason it is, the way it is. Rain is a good reminder to me of the way life is at times. As I was walking outside with my kids one of them said to me; "It's been raining all day, and I've been looking for a rainbow every time I'm outside."  Way to bring it to my heart little one...I needed to hear that. It's so much better to Look for the bright, beautiful, and promising rainbow that comes each time it rains to the earth. To be reminded of the good, to look for the good, even if is just a rainbow for that day...that lifts you, that brings you up, that reminds you that even tho life can be hard, there is a rainbow that can be found, a light at the end of the tunnel. I still know there will be hard days, we all have them in our own ways, but for a moment, I was reminded of the simplicity of a loving child, and the rainbows that I already have...right in front of me. I cannot thank God enough for them.

Karma

This morning as I was asking several times, then raising my voice, then asking again for my kids to practice their piano. One of said children had a lot of attitude for me in return. Right then, I had a vivid memory pop into my mind. It was of my Mother standing at the top of our basement stairs, and I was at the bottom of them. We were arguing about me needing to practice my piano! I was hollering at her and she hollered back for me to get my behind upstairs and practice the dang piano! I think her words went something like this: "O.G. Ornery gut, get up here and practice your piano!!" According to my dad, I guess I had attitude as a kid and I was ornerier then hell. Over the years I really have tried to work on my disposition. I look at myself now as a pretty happy and positive person, which I'm happy about. I was a bit caught off guard by this memory, but it made me laugh. Even though my Momma died years ago...here I am, with my own children, acting just like her...and my baby was acting like me as a child. I talk about time a lot on here, but I am truly fascinated with it. It goes on, even after tragedy may strike, a loved one passes on, or heartache happens, it goes on. We go on...we adapt to life, and adapt to our situations...but some things seem to not change. We have our memories and our experiences to carry us thru this life. I'm so happy to find comfort and joy in this memory, and to be able to laugh about how karma has come back to me after all of these years.

Presence

One of the greatest gifts I feel I can give to my babies is my presence. To be present when I am with them. To put down my electronics, or whatever may have my attention and focus solely on them. To enjoy the everyday, even when it may feel like the same day over and over again. This is a concept I have worked so hard on for many years...especially because I do not know how much time I will have with them...the love I have for them is as big as this world, and beyond...it has been one of my greatest gifts I have ever received to be their Momma on this earth. I know, that they know I love them...that they are my reasons, that they are my everything and they will always be my babies, even when they are old. For whatever reason, God has shown mercy on me and I have been blessed to live throughout these years, watch my babes grow, and I am grateful. Time is an interesting thing. It goes on, even after tragedy strikes, or hearts are broken. It goes on, and people go on as well...and they forget, as I do at times that people need us...that we need us...that our families need us...our babies need us...that a stranger needs us, a neighbor, a friend. That we can be present, at this moment in time...and it is a gift.

Last breath

Sometimes it takes me a while to process information, especially the past few weeks. Emotions, wonder, sadness, peace. It seems complicated in my mind and can only hope my thoughts make sense. This past month I got my scans done, and met with the Huntsman. Each time I go in, I honestly think they will tell me the cancer is gone. Each time...but, that is not the case. I guess it is my heart ever hoping, and it will never stop. It was hard to hear him say that they do not have a cure for my type of Cancer. He is hoping that with time, they will find one. The treatments that they do have are meant to help stabilize the cancer...which what I am currently doing, is doing, and we are grateful. He also said he really hoped someone would find a cure by the time I needed one...because eventually the time would come that I will need to go that route. I asked him if he would find one? He kind of laughed and said he'd start working on that...I guess what has been hard for me is actually hearing him say those words...again. I have chosen not to believe them for many years. I have chosen to do an alternate route, but still go in to maintain, discuss options, and do check ups. My better half always tells me "Knowledge is power." It really is.  For whatever reason, God has shown me mercy. Given me time, given me more then I could have possibly ever asked for. I am living a blessed life. It's just the coming to terms that hurts sometimes...that makes me really think and pause and takes my breath away. Ultimately, I've chosen to let go, let go of those things that don't make sense, and be...just be. It is the process of living, of loving, of fighting...and I won't stop until my last breath.

Alive

So many feelings. So many emotions. I initially started this blog to share my story, which my family felt was important to share. Over time it has become an outlet for me to express my innermost thoughts on life, love, living, dreams, hurt and more life. I do not call myself an expert in any one thing, just a girl living the best I know how. I hope that someday my babies will read through my posts and recognize that their Momma was strong, that their Momma was weak, that their Momma hurt, that their Momma let people into her heart, loved passionately, and felt things. That I felt life, grief, pain, hope and happiness...that they can find hope even when they might feel broken. I hope they will always choose to embrace the light in life. In my opinion there is always light and love surrounding us. As a human being on this earth we each experience emotions that are so profound and at times cut like a knife to our hearts. It makes life...life, and we can choose to keep going, even when we don't know how, we do. We get up, we get dressed, we live and we fight...for love, for hurt, for another day, for another moment, for a warm embrace, for ourselves, so we can feel, so we can live, so we can be. It makes us human. It makes us real. It makes us alive.

Show up

Sometimes things happen that are hard. Transitions are happening all of the time where people pass on from this life who may be young, old, suffering or not. Someone may be struggling emotionally, mentally, loneliness, a diagnosed illness, a terminal illness, a broken heart...where the eye doesn't see. There is so much going on in others lives that we just really have no idea of. We really have no idea, and I think sometimes we think to ourselves that "they will be ok", "someone else" will take care of them. They must have "family" to help them. All of this matters, but doesn't. I've been trying to teach my kids when things happen to people that are hard, or sad, or whatever may be the case to SHOW UP. Show up. Whether it's standing on someones doorstep with nothing in your hands, but everything in your heart. Reach out, and do more then "let me know if you need anything." I am guilty of this line...I have used it many times in my life. Of course, most people don't let you know, they don't ask...they suffer.  Sometimes quietly, sometimes outwardly, but it happens. We are all human and have a connection with one another whether we acknowledge it or not. We need each other. We need that phone call, that acceptance, that hello, that hug, that dinner, that smile, that I am here, right here, I am here...you are not alone...we can do it, we can help each other. We can Show up in each others lives, and make a difference.

Hibernation

This last while I've been in hibernation. I have chosen to be still, quiet and listen more. To my thoughts, my body, my soul. I have needed to rest more...plan my days out accordingly to how my body feels. I've had to slow down and I have noticed a change in me.  I have let myself feel all of the feels that I tend to hold in. I have let fear in for a day or two, and it does more harm then good...it's not good for my thought processes, but it is necessary in some crazy way. Because I am human, I let myself feel these feelings that are so hard to really hear from someone you love, or roll off the tongue into the Universe. No matter what I am feeling inside, it is the truth before us, behind us, entwined in us. I have chosen to move forward, I have let change wash over me. I put a smile on my face, and hold my sweet babes, for they are my everything...and for a short while I am their everything. I step out into the light and wake up.

Crossroads

Life has had a lot of ups and downs the last few months. I had an experience which kind of led to a snowball effect of several incidents that rocked my world. Looking back, and after thinking about it for quite a long time. I let them rock my world, heart and my mindset. Sometimes the things that people you love say, or do things that cut so deeply that it is hard to see the light...when really it was there the whole time. I just wasn't able to find it. I found myself at a crossroads that I felt I had been at before...almost in another lifetime, but I chose to go left, instead of right. My choice to let it hurt me was devastating for my soul, and I felt alone for the first time in a long time.
The things that we experience either make or break us. I believe that there is balance in all things. Sometimes you have to go through the bitter, to know the sweet, and to appreciate the good things. I did not realize that the way I was handling it was affecting my little family...until one evening not to long ago I was talking to my baby girl. She was talking about Papa and how much she missed him...and how it was hard to understand why he died, and why he was gone from this earth. We got to talking and I found myself giving her advice that I myself needed to hear, and I finally listened. I told her that Life was hard, but God has given us so many good things to make Life a little easier. Like a new day, and the sun rising, the sun setting and the light we enjoy over the mountains. A thoughtful person who says hello, or gives a smile. It's our job to find the good amidst the difficult things that we encounter on our journey...because Life isn't easy, so God makes up for it in all of the little things, to help us along the way. It is our job, to find the good, and to be the good. That night, It was like a light bulb went off in my head and heart...yes, that is what I needed to do as well! I knelt before my God and asked for His help...to let go, to forgive, to be forgiven, to live better, to find the good. I found myself at the crossroads again, and I am choosing to find the light.

It is what it is

I have a terminal illness...at least that is what the Doctors told me years ago. We chose not to believe that news. We chose to focus on the positive, focus on what I can do, what we can do together. Over the years, I have learned that there is power in many. There is also power in one. There is power in perspective, and being positive. Power. Hope. Love...in so many things and people. I would be lying if I were to tell you that it was easy having cancer, because it is not easy. There are days that are good, and I am so grateful for those days. I take advantage of them, I soak the moments in and share them with my beautiful babies and family. There are days that are hard, where I feel as if I cannot breathe, where much rest is needed for my body, where sometimes tears flow...but I have chosen for the most part to push forward, keep going, keep breathing, keep living... I remember the good days and they give me comfort, strength and clarity.
It's been two weeks since I went in for my several blood tests, scans, doctor visits, and it's been two weeks since I have been waiting for the news of my scans and results. During this time many have reached out to me and asked how things have been. We've felt so much love, and been the recipient of sweet messages and kindness. It's been overwhelming, in a good way. I've had the privilege of feeling love...genuine love and peace.  I thank my God for He has walked with me, and it has been a privilege to lean on Him, and all of you. I recognize how blessed I am...and that there is power and hope in many. My Oncologist said that things were still considered stable...even tho there were some changes. She said this was good news all things considering. Sometimes the desires that you want are good, but they aren't what you have in the end...and I'm learning that I'm okay with that, I'm letting go and letting God lead the way...That it is, what it is. I will do what needs to be done. I will continue to do my best and live the best way I know how. Love as hard as I can, cry when I feel tears coming, enjoy each moment that I have been given. Work hard and enjoy the sweat running down my back. Hold my babies longer, be present. I will continue fighting like hell...because that's all I know how to do. As I sit here I can feel my heart beating, and a smile crosses my lips...it feels so good to be alive. I am blessed.

Blessed life

I live a blessed life. I often reflect in the moment how lucky I am. I have beautiful, healthy babies. My husband has a job and he works so hard for us, plus an awesome bonus is that he loves us unconditionally. We have everything that we would ever want or need, especially each other. I have a loving family, and extended family and we are close. I live a blessed life and I thank God for this second, third and fourth chance I've gotten. I am feeling grateful for the joy that I get to experience in living, in working, in sweating, in hoping, in being, in loving, in seeing, in crying, in sharing, in doing, in teaching, in becoming, in learning, in life, in failing, in getting back up, in keeping going even if it is hard, in experiencing and in hoping.  For those of you who know me, I am a morning person, and I wake up happy 99% of each new day. This hasn't always been the case and I have evolved over the years! (Just ask my dad!)  My love asked me the other day how I can be so happy in the morning? I tell him that we have a new day! We get to start over and do better if we had a tough one the day before! Wow, a new day! God definitely knew what He was doing when he created the Sun, to rise before our eyes and awake our souls. Seriously. I thank Him everyday for it. A new chance. A new beginning. A new breathe. A new perspective. God is good. He is aware of us. I live a blessed life.