I Know.

I know God lives. I know He is real. There have been times in my life where I know He, and His son Jesus Christ have carried me thru...to brighter days, and has given me an amazing amount of love.  Helped me feel important, cared for, given me hope in dark moments, led me to the light. I am so grateful for this. I know that families are forever. I know that I can be with my family if I live righteously on this earth. I want to be. I am so grateful for my two beautiful babies. They are a gift.  My treasures here on this earth. I am grateful for my husband, he is my rock, he is my Knight in shining armor. I am so very blessed. I am grateful for this life I've been given. I am grateful for each moment, each breathe, for this time I have to live. I am so very grateful to my brother Jesus Christ, for making the ultimate sacrifice for me, that I am able to be here on this earth, and be able to return back to Heavenly Father. I am grateful that I know these things are true. God lives. He is real. He loves us all. My life is so much better with Him in it. I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sundays

I love Sundays. We get up late.  Stay in our pj’s.  I make a big breakfast.  Today I made waffles. The kids were thrilled and while we were eating (I was slurping down my shake) Ella announced that she was on a “special diet.” She said she could only eat certain foods, and only drank water. I asked: “Oh, really?” A few moments passed and she said:  “I have Cancer just like Mommy!”  My heart stopped.  What seemed like 5 minutes, was only a few seconds…Daddy said to never say that again, and that the conversation was over…but it wasn’t for me.  I told her that Mommy wanted to be healthy, so that is why I ate the things that I did…it wasn’t fun to have Cancer.  It reminded me when I was a kid, and I wanted to be just like my Momma.  I followed her around, and wanted to go everywhere she went. I mimicked her every move.  The thought had never occurred to me that my Ella wanted to be just like me in every sense.

I I

Tonight while I was tucking her into bed, she asked me if I was doing a treatment.  I told her yes, and explained what I was doing. Her tiny face scrunched up like she was going to cry, her lip trembled...she said "Momma, when you get better from this Cancer, will you be able to stop wearing your oxygen?" I told her "Yes, yes I will." She was trying to be brave...I told her to cry, just let it all out...she put her head in my lap and cried. I wept with her. My dear sweet little baby girl, oh how I love you so. I cradled her in my arms and rocked her like a baby, holding her close, singing her lullabies, tracing her face with my fingers, in awe of how much she has grown since she was just a babe.  We helped comfort each other.  A few minutes passed, and soon she was talking about the tooth fairy, and she wondered out loud what the color of her hair was? I laid her down, gave her kisses, and hugs, wished her sweet dreams, and left...my heart still aching. I have so many hopes and dreams for her, for us...It will all be okay sweet girl, it will all be okay. I promise. xo

Gramps

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can hear him saying "Honey, it will  be okay, it will all work out...keep your chin up!"  Today I really miss that man, my Gramps.  He was spectacular in every sense, honest, plain spoken, said it like he saw it. He knew how to shoot the breeze, with the best of em,  you couldn't bull shit him around, and he sure as hell wouldn't let you! He was direct and to the point, stubborn!  He served in the war, the Navy, he was proud.  I called him many times and thanked him for his service, for Grandmas as well. While he was in the Service, my Grandma went on a mission to Illinois, Gramps paid for her mission...they were both serving in some way. I loved hearing those stories. He worked from dawn to dusk, missed dinner a thousand times...kept going, until he wasn't able to. Never giving up. Never. He was humble...I remember hearing him pray, it was like God was sitting right in front of him, hearing that changed the way I looked at prayer, and I am thankful. He lived for his kids, and grandkids. He worked so hard for all of us, sacrificed so much on our behalf...we never even knew how much, until he was gone. I miss him so much.  Sometimes I feel his prescence near, and I hear his voice....this is what I can hear him saying:

"How you doin honey?" "I'm good Gramps!" "How's Andy doin?" "He's good." "You're not treating him bad are you?" "No, I'm not!" "Well, you've got a temper...it's in your blood!" "I know Gramps, I get it from you!" (laughing on his end) "I hope you're not putting nails in your matrimonial coffin!  Every time you say something mean, or hurtful....or do something that isn't nice, you are putting another nail in that matrimonial coffin!" "I know, I know! I'm not being mean, I promise!" "Well, I want you to think about that for a while...I remember Momma making dinner for me so many times and not showing up till late, and not giving her flowers on a special day...and when she was gone, it was to late.  I'm trying to make up for it now. I take flowers to her grave all of the time, and try to live better...so I can be with her again." (I'd be crying, like I am now) "I love you Gramps!" "I love you to honey."

We probably had that conversation a hundred plus times...he was always worried about my Andy. He always said I picked a good one! He liked that boy! Oh, how I love him...He wasn't ever one for attention, didn't like all of the fuss.  He would quietly serve in his own way. Whether it was helping out a neighbor with car problems, giving away boxes and boxes of his beautiful tomatoes he would grow every year to anyone.  I remember sitting at his kitchen table, and him and Grandma were talking about taking a bunch of food to a family in need...and they did, and she wasn't even home to thank them. That's just how they worked. I miss the visits to Chuck a Rama, he knew what was on the menu every night...I think "White Fish Friday", was his favorite night. Andy and I would chuckle because he would put about 2 inches of tartar sauce on top of the fish...I'd ask him if he could even taste the fish? He looked up from cutting it long enough to call me a smart ass! I'd call him up during the week and ask if he wanted to go out on a particular day...he would say he had to think about it and see if he got a better offer! He would turn almost everyone down for a chance to go to my Aunt Sylvias house! She would play "Oh My Father", on the piano for him...over, and over again.  He would sit in a side chair, and I'd kneel next to it, and put my head next to him. He would rub my head, tell me he loved me...I knew he did, and that's what mattered...and it still matters.  Before he died, we got to talk to him.  It was so special, he bore his testimony of his beliefs. (lds.org)  He asked that we never stop believing...

With many tears shed, I told him it was Cancer that I had, and I had started treatments, and I was scared.  He said; "Honey, it will be okay, it will all work out..."  And, I knew it would be okay, and it is.

I'm just so lucky that I got to know my Gramps, that I know that he loves me, that I'm able to feel him around every so often and I embrace those moments...that I have so many amazing and funny memories of him. Thank you Gramps, my life will never be the same because of you!

Penelope's Pad: Guest Story: Dandelions

 My sweet friend Chelsey asked if I'd write a guest post for her blog! I was surprised and honored. She is an amazing Momma, and a great gal! I hope you enjoy it! Much love to you on this beautiful day!  Sarah, xoxo.
Penelope's Pad: Guest Story: Dandelions

Write It Down...

4 years ago, I had a desire to start a little journal for my kids. I was pregnant with my second, and was unsure of what the future would hold for me. I wanted to have something the kids and my husband could read in the future... I wanted them to remember the things that I saw, felt, thought were funny, cried about.  Little things I wish I could ask my Momma about. These are a few of the things I've written over the years. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. xo
PS: Mullets are hilarious...

2007: I walked into the front room and saw Ella giving Jesus a drink from her sippy cup. (It was a ceramic figurine of him kneeling) It was so sweet, she said he was "thirsty".
2008: I asked Ella what she was looking at 2 different times, she said: "An angel and a dog". We think it was Andys brother that died of Leukemia when he was a kid, and their dog Buffy that had passed as well.
2009: I was reading a book about Jesus to Ella.  She said; "Mom, why does Jesus have marks on his hands and feet? I don't like bad guys all of the time." I started to cry, because of her pure heart, and the picture we were looking at did not have any marks that you could see on his feet or hands...
* One day I tapped Ella on her shoulder.  I asked her, "who tapped it?"  She said "Jesus"! I laughed aloud!
* Ella and her cousin Jackson were playing together, I heard her tell him; "You're my best friend!" They still are today.
* Today Ella said she wanted to wear "Brown" like "Nephi!"
* I asked Ella if she needed a napkin at dinner, she said: "I don't need a napkin, I have a long mouth like Daddy!"
2010: I'm so happy I have Noah to help me go to the bathroom...he is always there to flush it for me when I'm finished! What would I do without him?
* Today Ella told me I had a big bum, because I didn't need to hold onto the toilet with my hands!
* Noah loves Ellas hair! He pulls it every chance he can get, he is mesmerized by it! We don't know how to stop him...he loves teasing and irritating her!
* I was helping Ella get dressed, the shirt she was wearing was to long so I tucked it in. She looked at it and said: "I look like a Grandpa!", and un-tucked the shirt!
* Ella told me we should make a vegetable cake for my Birthday!
*  One day Bonnie and I were downstairs and we saw Noah holding onto the railing while walking down the stairs! We were both shocked! He never crawled down the stairs again, only walked. He is so eager, and quick to learn.
* Ella told me she wanted a pillow pet for Christmas. She said they were machine washable, and I could get them on pillowpets.com! Just like the commercial!
2011: The kids were playing in the pool, Noah kept splashing Ella. She kept saying: ETR, ETR! I finally figured out she was saying CTR!
* When getting ready to go outside and play in the snow, Noah kept asking me to put on his "glubs", for gloves! He still says it that way! I just can't correct him, it's to cute!
* Ella started asking when her Birthday would be...keep in mind this was the day after she had her Birthday party! She has asked me about a thousand times since then!
2012: Ella told us at breakfast one morning that she was on a "special" diet...a moment later she said: "I have cancer like Mommy." My heart broke...IamgettingbetterElla.I.Love.You.
* Noah's new saying to everything is: "Easy peazy lemon squeezy!"
* Noah told me he could still speak "baby anguage" (launguage).
* Ella wondered why she only got $1 from the tooth fairy, and not 5 nickels and a quarter like her cousin Jackson?
* Ella came up to me today and told me she had a special surprise to show me. She made my bed, her brothers, and hers! It was so sweet!

Worth it...

Tonight I was lucky...I had a house full of kids. Oh, they were wild, but were having so much fun. They played hard, running, jumping, skipping, riding bikes, trying to talk louder then the person talking at the time, imagining. At dinner, everyone wanted to say the prayer...I mean every kid. I picked a number and whispered it in Andys ear. Each kid took a guess, the number was picked, and he was SO happy to pray.  And, I was happy. After dinner and clean up, more play. Upstairs, downstairs, backyard, the garage, they were running past me. I really don't think kids walk very much...mine seem to run everywhere they go! So many places to be, and things to do. Tonight I had Bat Man at my house, Spider Man, Thor, and several Princesses. I watched sword fighting, monsters fighting, baby kittens meowing, and best friends playing. I witnessed sharing, trading of treats, bargaining of toys, yelling, occasional bickering, and then making up.  All of this was accompanied by the Scooby Doo music playing in the background, from a movie that seemed to be getting louder each moment. I wiped faces, gave out snacks, (even as early as 20 minutes after dinner!) held hands to go up stairs, kissed cheeks, held a sweet baby and rocked him in my arms, picked up toys, sang a lullaby...and, I was happy...and it was chaotic, and I was tired at the end of the night, but I was living, and I am so happy to do it. It's totally worth every second. I can't wait until next time...

Sweet Whispers

My sister always teases me about the way I put my kids to bed. She thinks it takes FOREVER! I on the other hand, LOVE our bed time routine. We get in our pj's (me included) and pick out an outfit for the next day. This helps the kids get dressed quicker in the morning. Brush our teeth, etc. We meet in my baby girls room...and we each take a turn telling each other our "favorite" part of the day.  It's so fun to hear what the kids come up with...seeing Daddy come home, playing with friends, being outside, being together. We get to share one thing, but it usually ends up being many, many things. Scriptures are read, prayers are said, and it's time to be tucked in. I take my baby boy into his room, and he snuggles up with his "baby". It is a little white lamb, named lambie (which is permanently gray, and has been washed a thousand times...to no avail)! I sing him a couple of lullabies, and rub his back. He holds my hand. I tell him I love him, give him many kisses, and say goodnight. I then walk into my baby girls room, she snuggles with her "baby", which ironically is a lamb as well, but is still the same color it was when we got it years ago! There are such big differences between boys and girls! We talk about her day, then she asks me to sing her lullabies. She tells me she just CAN'T go to sleep without her lullabies! I kiss her a thousand times and say goodnight till morning...They fall asleep.
During the next few hours, before I go to bed.  I check on them 5 or 6 times, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and peek in on them to! What am I doing? I kiss their sweet cheeks, cradle their faces..., put their heads back on their pillows, adjust their blankets, watch them dream. When I tip toe in I whisper in their ears "You are special, I love you, You are beautiful, You are my princess, You are my prince, Tomorrow will be a good day, You are a good boy, good girl, I love you, I'm so happy you're my baby, (My daughter asks me if she will still be my baby when she is old like me, I tell her yes, of course!)  I pray for them to have good dreams, and pray they will remember the things I'm telling them., because they are true! That they will know they are special, and adored...that their Momma loves them so much.  As I watch them sleep, I know that I am the luckiest Momma alive. xo