datestampTuesday, September 29, 2015

Almost there

Sometimes I can't breathe.  Literally. My mind, heart and soul. I am so tired and the tears fall down my cheeks. I think about running away, just leaving everything. I mean do you think I'd be able to take a vacation from cancer? From reality? Sometimes it is hard to face what is before us.  I try so hard each day to live life to the fullest. I'm calculated with my time. I think about it everyday. I hold a lot in. I mean, I can just feel myself pushing everything down inside at throat is so tight and my tears are on the surface, ready to explode...most times that is where they stay, is inside. This past week they overflowed, and I cried and was sad, and felt lost, alone and broken. Broken from the heaviness of terminal. Broken from finding a new treatment path. Broken with my reality. I just couldn't get out of the damn, dark hole. I just couldn't find the light. Yet somehow over the last few days I've been able to see and feel better. I received a note from an old friend, was able to visit with my sisters, I felt loved...better yet, I let myself feel loved. I was reminded of my sweet blessings and the treasures that I do have from my sweet kids who can just sense when I need a little extra help. Who hugged me a little longer, and gave so much love. Then my sister said something to me and it just clicked. It's ok for me to let myself feel these things once in a while...but it's more important to not let it get in my way of living. Feel it, then be done with it, get up and get here it is. Here I am. I'm going...I'm almost there.