datestampMonday, March 19, 2018

Journey of living

I think I would feel lost in this life and journey, with out believing in something greater then myself, greater then my experiences, greater then what I am taught, or what I understand. I honestly feel like we as human beings have a higher power that we can ask for help, for guidance, for light. We really may not all believe in the same things, and we may even disagree at times in our theories, beliefs, the way we choose to live our lives...but I feel like we are all connected by a greater power beyond anything we understand. I believe it is a Heavenly Father who loves us infinitely, another may believe in Mother earth as the divine, or the universe calling you one way or the other. No matter what one believes or chooses to believe, I have learned over these years that God is real, and He loves us, and it is okay to believe differently. I know that I have the power to find hope in each new day, or night as it comes to an end. If I feel defeated, I can find light in even the smallest things, in humans, in humanity. Not anything by my own doing, but in the light I was born with. The light we are all born with. I find myself as of late praying for peace, for peace in who I am, peace in raising our children, peace in each other, for peace in accepting. For remembering that everyone we see, or know has their own battles that they fight, to see past the outside and look into the heart...because really, that is what truly matters. It gives me comfort to know that this greater power, knows our hearts, and loves us all for who we are and who we are becoming on our journey of living. I cannot deny this.

datestampWednesday, March 14, 2018


I'm not going to lie, sometimes life and things that happen in life are so hard and difficult. Sometimes I feel so sad, lonely, and tired...for whatever reason it is, the way it is. Rain is a good reminder to me of the way life is at times. As I was walking outside with my kids one of them said to me; "It's been raining all day, and I've been looking for a rainbow every time I'm outside."  Way to bring it to my heart little one...I needed to hear that. It's so much better to Look for the bright, beautiful, and promising rainbow that comes each time it rains to the earth. To be reminded of the good, to look for the good, even if is just a rainbow for that day...that lifts you, that brings you up, that reminds you that even tho life can be hard, there is a rainbow that can be found, a light at the end of the tunnel. I still know there will be hard days, we all have them in our own ways, but for a moment, I was reminded of the simplicity of a loving child, and the rainbows that I already have...right in front of me. I cannot thank God enough for them.

datestampThursday, March 1, 2018


This morning as I was asking several times, then raising my voice, then asking again for my kids to practice their piano. One of said children had a lot of attitude for me in return. Right then, I had a vivid memory pop into my mind. It was of my Mother standing at the top of our basement stairs, and I was at the bottom of them. We were arguing about me needing to practice my piano! I was hollering at her and she hollered back for me to get my behind upstairs and practice the dang piano! I think her words went something like this: "O.G. Ornery gut, get up here and practice your piano!!" According to my dad, I guess I had attitude as a kid and I was ornerier then hell. Over the years I really have tried to work on my disposition. I look at myself now as a pretty happy and positive person, which I'm happy about. I was a bit caught off guard by this memory, but it made me laugh. Even though my Momma died years I am, with my own children, acting just like her...and my baby was acting like me as a child. I talk about time a lot on here, but I am truly fascinated with it. It goes on, even after tragedy may strike, a loved one passes on, or heartache happens, it goes on. We go on...we adapt to life, and adapt to our situations...but some things seem to not change. We have our memories and our experiences to carry us thru this life. I'm so happy to find comfort and joy in this memory, and to be able to laugh about how karma has come back to me after all of these years.

datestampFriday, February 16, 2018


One of the greatest gifts I feel I can give to my babies is my presence. To be present when I am with them. To put down my electronics, or whatever may have my attention and focus solely on them. To enjoy the everyday, even when it may feel like the same day over and over again. This is a concept I have worked so hard on for many years...especially because I do not know how much time I will have with them...the love I have for them is as big as this world, and has been one of my greatest gifts I have ever received to be their Momma on this earth. I know, that they know I love them...that they are my reasons, that they are my everything and they will always be my babies, even when they are old. For whatever reason, God has shown mercy on me and I have been blessed to live throughout these years, watch my babes grow, and I am grateful. Time is an interesting thing. It goes on, even after tragedy strikes, or hearts are broken. It goes on, and people go on as well...and they forget, as I do at times that people need us...that we need us...that our families need us...our babies need us...that a stranger needs us, a neighbor, a friend. That we can be present, at this moment in time...and it is a gift.

datestampMonday, October 30, 2017

Last breath

Sometimes it takes me a while to process information, especially the past few weeks. Emotions, wonder, sadness, peace. It seems complicated in my mind and can only hope my thoughts make sense. This past month I got my scans done, and met with the Huntsman. Each time I go in, I honestly think they will tell me the cancer is gone. Each time...but, that is not the case. I guess it is my heart ever hoping, and it will never stop. It was hard to hear him say that they do not have a cure for my type of Cancer. He is hoping that with time, they will find one. The treatments that they do have are meant to help stabilize the cancer...which what I am currently doing, is doing, and we are grateful. He also said he really hoped someone would find a cure by the time I needed one...because eventually the time would come that I will need to go that route. I asked him if he would find one? He kind of laughed and said he'd start working on that...I guess what has been hard for me is actually hearing him say those words...again. I have chosen not to believe them for many years. I have chosen to do an alternate route, but still go in to maintain, discuss options, and do check ups. My better half always tells me "Knowledge is power." It really is.  For whatever reason, God has shown me mercy. Given me time, given me more then I could have possibly ever asked for. I am living a blessed life. It's just the coming to terms that hurts sometimes...that makes me really think and pause and takes my breath away. Ultimately, I've chosen to let go, let go of those things that don't make sense, and be...just be. It is the process of living, of loving, of fighting...and I won't stop until my last breath.

datestampFriday, October 6, 2017


So many feelings. So many emotions. I initially started this blog to share my story, which my family felt was important to share. Over time it has become an outlet for me to express my innermost thoughts on life, love, living, dreams, hurt and more life. I do not call myself an expert in any one thing, just a girl living the best I know how. I hope that someday my babies will read through my posts and recognize that their Momma was strong, that their Momma was weak, that their Momma hurt, that their Momma let people into her heart, loved passionately, and felt things. That I felt life, grief, pain, hope and happiness...that they can find hope even when they might feel broken. I hope they will always choose to embrace the light in life. In my opinion there is always light and love surrounding us. As a human being on this earth we each experience emotions that are so profound and at times cut like a knife to our hearts. It makes, and we can choose to keep going, even when we don't know how, we do. We get up, we get dressed, we live and we fight...for love, for hurt, for another day, for another moment, for a warm embrace, for ourselves, so we can feel, so we can live, so we can be. It makes us human. It makes us real. It makes us alive.

datestampThursday, March 30, 2017

Show up

Sometimes things happen that are hard. Transitions are happening all of the time where people pass on from this life who may be young, old, suffering or not. Someone may be struggling emotionally, mentally, loneliness, a diagnosed illness, a terminal illness, a broken heart...where the eye doesn't see. There is so much going on in others lives that we just really have no idea of. We really have no idea, and I think sometimes we think to ourselves that "they will be ok", "someone else" will take care of them. They must have "family" to help them. All of this matters, but doesn't. I've been trying to teach my kids when things happen to people that are hard, or sad, or whatever may be the case to SHOW UP. Show up. Whether it's standing on someones doorstep with nothing in your hands, but everything in your heart. Reach out, and do more then "let me know if you need anything." I am guilty of this line...I have used it many times in my life. Of course, most people don't let you know, they don't ask...they suffer.  Sometimes quietly, sometimes outwardly, but it happens. We are all human and have a connection with one another whether we acknowledge it or not. We need each other. We need that phone call, that acceptance, that hello, that hug, that dinner, that smile, that I am here, right here, I am are not alone...we can do it, we can help each other. We can Show up in each others lives, and make a difference.