datestampThursday, March 30, 2017

Show up

Sometimes things happen that are hard. Transitions are happening all of the time where people pass on from this life who may be young, old, suffering or not. Someone may be struggling emotionally, mentally, loneliness, a diagnosed illness, a terminal illness, a broken heart...where the eye doesn't see. There is so much going on in others lives that we just really have no idea of. We really have no idea, and I think sometimes we think to ourselves that "they will be ok", "someone else" will take care of them. They must have "family" to help them. All of this matters, but doesn't. I've been trying to teach my kids when things happen to people that are hard, or sad, or whatever may be the case to SHOW UP. Show up. Whether it's standing on someones doorstep with nothing in your hands, but everything in your heart. Reach out, and do more then "let me know if you need anything." I am guilty of this line...I have used it many times in my life. Of course, most people don't let you know, they don't ask...they suffer.  Sometimes quietly, sometimes outwardly, but it happens. We are all human and have a connection with one another whether we acknowledge it or not. We need each other. We need that phone call, that acceptance, that hello, that hug, that dinner, that smile, that I am here, right here, I am are not alone...we can do it, we can help each other. We can Show up in each others lives, and make a difference.

datestampSaturday, February 25, 2017


This last while I've been in hibernation. I have chosen to be still, quiet and listen more. To my thoughts, my body, my soul. I have needed to rest more...plan my days out accordingly to how my body feels. I've had to slow down and I have noticed a change in me.  I have let myself feel all of the feels that I tend to hold in. I have let fear in for a day or two, and it does more harm then's not good for my thought processes, but it is necessary in some crazy way. Because I am human, I let myself feel these feelings that are so hard to really hear from someone you love, or roll off the tongue into the Universe. No matter what I am feeling inside, it is the truth before us, behind us, entwined in us. I have chosen to move forward, I have let change wash over me. I put a smile on my face, and hold my sweet babes, for they are my everything...and for a short while I am their everything. I step out into the light and wake up.

datestampFriday, December 23, 2016


Life has had a lot of ups and downs the last few months. I had an experience which kind of led to a snowball effect of several incidents that rocked my world. Looking back, and after thinking about it for quite a long time. I let them rock my world, heart and my mindset. Sometimes the things that people you love say, or do things that cut so deeply that it is hard to see the light...when really it was there the whole time. I just wasn't able to find it. I found myself at a crossroads that I felt I had been at before...almost in another lifetime, but I chose to go left, instead of right. My choice to let it hurt me was devastating for my soul, and I felt alone for the first time in a long time.
The things that we experience either make or break us. I believe that there is balance in all things. Sometimes you have to go through the bitter, to know the sweet, and to appreciate the good things. I did not realize that the way I was handling it was affecting my little family...until one evening not to long ago I was talking to my baby girl. She was talking about Papa and how much she missed him...and how it was hard to understand why he died, and why he was gone from this earth. We got to talking and I found myself giving her advice that I myself needed to hear, and I finally listened. I told her that Life was hard, but God has given us so many good things to make Life a little easier. Like a new day, and the sun rising, the sun setting and the light we enjoy over the mountains. A thoughtful person who says hello, or gives a smile. It's our job to find the good amidst the difficult things that we encounter on our journey...because Life isn't easy, so God makes up for it in all of the little things, to help us along the way. It is our job, to find the good, and to be the good. That night, It was like a light bulb went off in my head and heart...yes, that is what I needed to do as well! I knelt before my God and asked for His let go, to forgive, to be forgiven, to live better, to find the good. I found myself at the crossroads again, and I am choosing to find the light.

datestampMonday, September 26, 2016

It is what it is

I have a terminal least that is what the Doctors told me years ago. We chose not to believe that news. We chose to focus on the positive, focus on what I can do, what we can do together. Over the years, I have learned that there is power in many. There is also power in one. There is power in perspective, and being positive. Power. Hope. so many things and people. I would be lying if I were to tell you that it was easy having cancer, because it is not easy. There are days that are good, and I am so grateful for those days. I take advantage of them, I soak the moments in and share them with my beautiful babies and family. There are days that are hard, where I feel as if I cannot breathe, where much rest is needed for my body, where sometimes tears flow...but I have chosen for the most part to push forward, keep going, keep breathing, keep living... I remember the good days and they give me comfort, strength and clarity.
It's been two weeks since I went in for my several blood tests, scans, doctor visits, and it's been two weeks since I have been waiting for the news of my scans and results. During this time many have reached out to me and asked how things have been. We've felt so much love, and been the recipient of sweet messages and kindness. It's been overwhelming, in a good way. I've had the privilege of feeling love...genuine love and peace.  I thank my God for He has walked with me, and it has been a privilege to lean on Him, and all of you. I recognize how blessed I am...and that there is power and hope in many. My Oncologist said that things were still considered stable...even tho there were some changes. She said this was good news all things considering. Sometimes the desires that you want are good, but they aren't what you have in the end...and I'm learning that I'm okay with that, I'm letting go and letting God lead the way...That it is, what it is. I will do what needs to be done. I will continue to do my best and live the best way I know how. Love as hard as I can, cry when I feel tears coming, enjoy each moment that I have been given. Work hard and enjoy the sweat running down my back. Hold my babies longer, be present. I will continue fighting like hell...because that's all I know how to do. As I sit here I can feel my heart beating, and a smile crosses my feels so good to be alive. I am blessed.

datestampThursday, August 11, 2016

Blessed life

I live a blessed life. I often reflect in the moment how lucky I am. I have beautiful, healthy babies. My husband has a job and he works so hard for us, plus an awesome bonus is that he loves us unconditionally. We have everything that we would ever want or need, especially each other. I have a loving family, and extended family and we are close. I live a blessed life and I thank God for this second, third and fourth chance I've gotten. I am feeling grateful for the joy that I get to experience in living, in working, in sweating, in hoping, in being, in loving, in seeing, in crying, in sharing, in doing, in teaching, in becoming, in learning, in life, in failing, in getting back up, in keeping going even if it is hard, in experiencing and in hoping.  For those of you who know me, I am a morning person, and I wake up happy 99% of each new day. This hasn't always been the case and I have evolved over the years! (Just ask my dad!)  My love asked me the other day how I can be so happy in the morning? I tell him that we have a new day! We get to start over and do better if we had a tough one the day before! Wow, a new day! God definitely knew what He was doing when he created the Sun, to rise before our eyes and awake our souls. Seriously. I thank Him everyday for it. A new chance. A new beginning. A new breathe. A new perspective. God is good. He is aware of us. I live a blessed life.

datestampFriday, May 27, 2016

5 weeks

5 weeks ago I went up to the Huntsman to get some genetic testing done. Since they have re classified the cancer I have as being a "wild strain" they wanted to be sure I didn't have 6 mutations which can occur with this type of Cancer. While I was there they explained to me if I tested positive for 1 of the mutations then the chances of my children getting this type of cancer would be 50%. If I tested positive for 2 of the mutations, then their chances would go up. Which would mean that they would need to go through getting blood draws, scans, and all of the hell that cancer can cause. We chose to receive these tests because my husband said a long time ago that "knowledge is power". Having the knowledge that we do, or will receive will help us make the proper decisions for the future. Needless to say, I was heartbroken after the appointment and I cried the whole way home. All I could think about were my babies, my sweet babies. This cancer can do whatever the hell it wants to do to me, but not my babies. The last 5 weeks have been difficult waiting for the results, and I have cried a thousand tears. I called those who were close to me and shared the news, they were heartbroken as well. During these last weeks I held my babies closer, prayed harder, pleaded, bargained, sent out good thoughts. Enjoyed my life more. I was humbled. So humbled. As I have said before God knows me and knows the desires of my heart. He was near. I felt Him.
We had my appointment this past week. Both my husband and I felt that I would most likely have one of the mutations...since this journey has already been a hell of a ride. We sat down with the Doctor, she first said that my scans looked like everything was still stable...but they were going to send my scans to a panel of doctors just to make sure. Relief and what a blessing. Thank you for all of your sweet thoughts, messages and prayers. The next genetic Doctor sat in front of us and made small talk. She then said that I surprisingly didn't have any of the mutations. The tears flowed, my gasp of relief was audible. I looked at my love and he was just as relieved. The Doctor said that if I was to have tested positive that in actuality my babies would have had the heart felt like it skipped a few beats. The room was silent. In my mind and heart I thought that God is good. He is aware of me. He loves you. He loves me. Life isn't always what we expect it to be. Life is hard, mixed with happy, sad, tragedy, triumph, pain, power, much love. We have to find it, we have to be it. We all have hard things to deal with in life. The question I ask myself all of the time is How will I deal with it? How will I let this experience mold me? At times I have failed miserably. At times I have stumbled and have fallen...but there has always been good in the darkness, light when I felt like there was none to be found...yet I have chosen to get up...and I'm not stopping.

datestampSunday, May 22, 2016

I've Gotta Be Me

Sometimes the best talks I have with my kids are when we are driving in the car. Tonight was the perfect example. My baby girl asked me if I was ever going to get better from being sick? This topic has come up several times over the years. We always are direct and frank with them. They are aware when "Mommy needs to rest" or "Mommy doesn't feel well" or "Mommy has a doctors appointment". I told her I had a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I think it was on her mind. Maybe they are too aware, but I want to be open with them...because Life is fragile. Life can change in a moment. second. breathe. I told her that yes, I wanted to get better, of course I want to get better. That is why mommy does what she does...because I want to Live. I have to believe that I will get better...but I live my life each day the best that I can. I work hard. I play hard. I live hard. This is me. I am me and I am happy. I told her all of these things and that that is how she needs to live her life. Do her best. Be her best, if you fall, you get back up and fight harder. Believe in yourself and be happy with being you. My brother made a cd and this song was on it. In fact, we were listening to it tonight when she was asking me these questions. I told her to listen to the words, feel them. Believe, don't merely survive. Be yourself. All will fall into always does, and not always the way you think it will. Roll with it. Let life lift you.  It will work out. I've gotta believe.