Perspective

On December 5th I went in and had an MRI and talked with my Oncologist. For weeks before I was having trouble sleeping, concentrating...I was worried. I spent a lot of time on my knees asking God for peace. On that day I was so grateful...I felt it. The tumors are slowly growing, and they found a new lesion. Initially I was quite sad, but after thinking about it for a bit I was grateful. Grateful that they are "slow growing". Grateful we have time to find a different treatment path. Grateful I have Andy by my side. Grateful I could go home and hold my babies. Grateful that I feel good, and am not having symptoms. Grateful for prayers from family and friends...even strangers. Grateful I have a loving Heavenly Father who gave me peace this day...and who helps me have a better perspective of my beautiful life. It's a good, good life.

11-11-11

11 things I'm grateful for:

God
Birthdays
Bowling
Laughter
Hope
Holding hands
Kisses
Notes
Paper Turkeys
Dancing
Sweet family

I am happy. Today was the best day I've had in a long time. Thank you to all who made it so very special...I'll never forget it. xoxo

Simple Plan - Save You

A couple of years ago when Andy was driving me up to the Huntsman for a doctors appointment. We were listening to music and a song came on by Simple Plan, Save you. I hadn't heard before. He turned it up and said to listen to the lyrics. I listened intently. At the end of it he turned it off and said "This is exactly how I feel about you." Tears streamed down my face.
I cannot imagine how Andy has felt these last 5 years. All of the late nights, praying, care taking, loving, cleaning, restlessness, uncertainty, researching, hoping, pressing forward... He has been a constant in my life, and for this I am thankful. He is my love story. He is part of the reason I am here at this moment. I have never once heard him complain or ask why. Has he struggled? Yes, but he keeps going. I am so grateful he has put his faith in God... in me, NEVER giving up. I am blessed to know him. Thank you for keeping me alive in so many ways...When you think about it, don't we all need saving at one time or another?

Kisses from the sun

The other night when I was putting Ella to bed she asked me why my hands were rough. I told her it was because I washed them a thousand times a day... from cleaning, working in the yard, working at the market, from just being a Momma. She looked at me for a moment then asked "Why do you have so many dots on your face?" I smiled and said "Freckles? They are kisses from the sun." That sufficed her for a moment...she then looked at me and said; "When I grow up, I want to have dots on my face and rough hands like you." I chuckled and told her that I hope she did...
I've been thinking about those comments the last few days. My first reaction from hearing this was: "I'm not getting old!" The deeper I've thought about it I've realized that these hands I have are a blessing to me and my family. I'm grateful that they are rough. They tell a story about my life. I work hard. I play hard. I love hard. I learn the hard way (My dad always told me that). I have held my babies, wiped away tears, held hands with Andy. I've been able to do so much.
I'm grateful for these kisses from the sun on my skin...I've been able to experience the outdoors, explore, live, run, swim, be, work, build, garden. Stand in the earth and feel the sun on my face, my skin. my soul. I feel grounded. I feel whole. I have nothing to hide...just look...it shows on my rough hands and kissed face.

Unexpected Gifts

The other day I received some gifts. I had my scans done at the Huntsman, my Doctor walked in and said "it's stable". These words echoed over and over again in my mind. What a relief. What a blessing. What a gift. Thank you God...thank you.
The other came when my two sweet nieces Jade and Lilli came over. They had a present, and a card they wanted to give me. They were so excited and thrilled about this gift. I opened the present and inside was a beautiful piece of material. It was folded carefully, I let it fall open. It read: "Sarah We Believe In You". Tears streamed down my face. I was overcome with this amazing feeling of peace, and pure love. I reached out and embraced them...Jade jumped up and down and said again; "We believe in you Sarah, we believe in you!" Jade had just gotten a sewing machine for her birthday. I talked to her Mom later and she said that it was their idea, they came up with it themselves, it was their first project! She told me that her and Lilli had cut out each letter, without a pattern and Jade had sewn it together with her machine. I thought it was so cute that the U was sewn together because they had run out of room for it. I look at it often and I see love in it. I see hope. I see a better tomorrow. It's so nice to have this unexpected gift...of two sweet angels believing in me. Thank you sweet girls, thank you.

This is the life

Today the kids and I were driving in the car, the windows down, wind blowing our hair, and touching our faces. We put our arms out the windows and let the warm air swarm around us. During that time I told the kids how wonderful it felt to feel the fresh air, drive in the car, see the beautiful things God has given to us. We drove by a field of sunflowers, a field of dirt, of hay, each sight the kids were equally thrilled to see. I was filled with gratitude and love to my Heavenly Father for this good life I get to be a part of. That I get to share this beautiful world and simple moments with my sweet kids.
We arrived at my Aunt Sandy and Uncle Noels home. Uncle Noel set up a tent in the backyard, tables, chairs, a stove with pots full of water boiling for the 24dozen ears of corn they were getting ready to cook and freeze. Nicoel was there with her kids, and Candi came with Jack and Miles. We got to talk, eat, visit, sweat a lot, laugh, listen to the kids play, catch up, reminisce...I ate so much corn I had a stomach ache that night! But you know? It was worth it! It felt so good to be together, with the people I love. To work side by side. To laugh with each other. I thought to myself several times and even said out loud: "This is the Life"...you know, it really is. I'm happy to be a part of it.

Milestones

A few years ago, when I was very sick I remember having a particularly rough day. I was talking with my sister, expressing to her my deepest and darkest fears... I was so unsure about the future and If I was going to make it. She said something that has stuck with me the last five years. "Sarah, just picture Ella at her first birthday, then her big 5 year old party, and how happy you will be to celebrate her life. Think of when she turns 8 and Andy will baptize her. Picture her 16th birthday and getting her ready for her first date. Picture her getting married, and being there with her. Picture her having her first baby and you holding her or him...can you see those things? Picture you and Andy growing old together. Just take it step by step, one foot in front of the other...you can do this." I have thought of that conversation thousands of times, and it has helped me more then I can express. They are not just words to me, they are my goals. Not just with Ella, but with Noah and Andy.
This year when we celebrated Ellas 5th birthday, it was a milestone for me. We had a big celebration, with so many friends and cousins. Andy thought I was crazy for having such a big party. Ella wanted a pirate theme, cupcakes, swimming, games, the whole shabang! As I have reflected on that day, those moments... I think that it wasn't just for Ella, it was for me to. I'm so very grateful I was here to celebrate her big day...I had envisioned it for so many years, and I feel so blessed and fortunate to have made it! Now onto the next day. the next moment. the next great milestone. xoxo

thoughts

I am sad tonight. I am sad because my good friend Jon lost his "second Dad" to cancer. I am sad tonight because my good friend Teresa is dying from Cancer. I am sad because so many people are hurting from this terrible disease. I wish I could take away the pain and hurt. I would if I could. No questions asked. I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, and my heart breaks. I carry a prayer in my heart at all times for all people...whom I know and don't know. May their pain be lessened. May their lives be enriched. May their time be used wisely. May they know they are loved, if not by close family and friends, but by me. I love you. I will fight for you. I will fight like hell. You will not be forgotten. You will be remembered by loved ones, by your courage, by your faith, by your grace, by your determination, and will. I hope I will be able to help a little...even if it is by a small prayer, which I carry in my heart.

All you need is love

I've been thinking a lot lately about 3 simple, yet powerful words. I Love You. How often do I say them? Do I say it enough? Show it enough? We never know what life will hand us. I remember when I was first diagnosed, one of the first things Andy and I said to each other was "I love you", that is what we needed to hear, needed to be shown. Those 3 words comforted us. There are so many ways to do both. Whether it is a simple touch, a smile, showing real interest in someone, or something a person is doing, stopping to help another, listening. The list can go on and on and on! I know that we all need love, we all want to be loved, we all deserve to be loved. I thank my Heavenly Father every day that I can express the love I have to my sweet family and friends. He has blessed us with a great gift...I hope we never stop using it.

Hope For Sarah 5k

We woke up this morning to snow on the ground, and a light snowfall. It was the 5k today and I had been praying for warmer weather. We got the kids ready, and began our drive to Payson. The weather worsened the further South we drove, until we reached the first Payson exit. It was wild, the clouds were moving at a slow and steady pace North, and there were blue skies the rest of the drive. I told Andy that God heard our prayers, it was an amazing thing to see. We arrived and there were familiar faces putting things into place, there was a feeling of excitement in the air, kids running around, volunteers cooking, people prepping, it was a surreal experience.
9am rolled around and Heath gathered the runners together for a pre-race talk. There were familiar faces, and many whom I had never met, different ages, with kids, without, young, and old. Heath said "Go", those of us staying behind lined up behind the fence cheering them on as they ran by. I had tears running down my face, my heart was bursting from it's seams. I was overcome with peace, and love. It was palpable, you could feel it all around. Some of the runners had tears as well. I realized at that moment, that this wasn't just about me. These people were running for a purpose, a cause, to raise awareness, to give hope...so freely, of themselves to another in need, to fight together.
A few minutes later they started a fun run for the kids, which I did with my son Noah, and many others. My nephew Jack was next to us, running as fast as his 5year old legs could run. Do you know what? He didn't stop once. He ran the whole mile. He didn't give up. He didn't cry or complain. He kept running...and he finished, and he was so proud, and I was proud...What a beautiful boy, oh how I love him.
We were there to cheer the runners coming in. I tried to talk to each one of them, and say thank you. Each person that started the race, finished it, I was inspired by there tenacity. It was an eye opening experience, my life will never be the same.
We ate breakfast (which smelled delicious, and I was told it was), and then they had an auction after. Many said that was the funnest part! Brad and Julie Silcox who are professional auctioneers donated there time to help! Before they started Heath and Mahogani gave me a beautiful plaque, and I was able to say thank you to the many who came out to support us. So many people had given there services, time, gift baskets, food, and love, it seemed like everything you could think of was there! I think one of the best parts about the auction was my Uncle Noel. He is hilarious and is always good for a joke or two...in fact he started out walking the 5k with a walker, and ended with it to! My cousin Kristie was bidding on an item and "someone" kept on raising the price on it. Finally she looked around and saw Noel. He laughed, and laughed, we all did, it felt good to laugh. Well he did that on almost every bid! You really had to fight for it if you wanted something! What a character, I sure love him. That is what was wonderful. I was surrounded by friends, new and old, I was happy. We were together. I was at peace, and I savored each moment, I will never forget this day. I will remember it when life gets difficult, and It won't feel so difficult after all.
After it was finished, and we were saying goodbye to friends. Heath came up to me, and we embraced. I sobbed in his arms, saying thank you over and over again. "Keep fighting" he said, "You can do this...we are here for you, and will do whatever it takes to help you get better...we love you". I told him I loved him, and Mahogani and wished I could give them the world, he told me I already had, by fighting to live...I walked inside and saw my family. Words cannot express properly the love I have for these beautiful people...I just want to tell them thank you...and that we did it! We won the race! Whether you come in first or last, it doesn't matter, it just matters that you come in, do your best, endure to the end, and finish...just like my nephew Jack did. Thank you to everyone for giving me the hope I need to win this race. I love you all. May God continue to Bless us all, like He has today.

Rain

We went on a walk today and it started raining. Instead of bolting for the door, I told the kids we should try to catch the drops in our mouth. With open mouths we stood in the rain, water splashing on our faces. Each kid would squeal in delight when they "caught" a rain drop. Trying harder and harder to "catch" another one. For a moment time seemed like it stood still for me. I closed my eyes, lifted my head to the sky and felt the rain on my face and body. I felt clean, new, invincible. I stretched out my hands to the sky, soaking the moment in. Kids laughter in the background put a smile on my lips, and brought me back. My babies were smiling, giggling, and dancing in the rain. We were wet, but not cold. Our hearts were warmed from the rain, the moment. As we found our way back home. I thanked God for the little piece of Heaven we got to experience today...tiny rain drops.

The Journey

Wow, what a journey this is. This great experience called life. Where you learn what love is, pain, friendship, desire. Where you learn that laughter does make things easier. Where you learn that people are more important then things. Where you learn how to give, and how to receive. Where you get a chance to find out who you are, and the reason you are put on this earth. Where you are tested beyond anything you think you can endure. Where you get the opportunity to know God. I believe that everyone who is on this earth is here for a purpose. You have a purpose. I have a purpose. You have a choice. I have a choice. A reason to live. A reason to love. I have had a great opportunity to live, and I desire a lot more time. I'm not finished with my journey. I have so much to see and do. So much to feel and be a part of. So much to learn. No, this isn't the way I thought life was going to be for me...for us, but I have come to realize that this is the life I chose, and I accept it, and I love it. I am enjoying this gift. It's been an amazing ride, and I look forward to the rest of the journey.

Bonnie

I meet with my sister Bonnie at least once a week, and we sometimes talk a couple of times a day. We do all sorts of things together. A few weeks ago we met at IKEA, and fed the kids lunch before we browsed the store. In between 3 kids and 2 adults (not including me) they consumed 45 meatballs, Yowza! We go to each others houses and let the kids run wild in the backyard, or in the basement. While the kids are playing Bonnie and I talk about what we are making for dinner that night, what's new and exciting that we didn't talk about the day before, our kids, our life's, our plans for the warm weather, we reminisce about memories we have made. Sometimes we just sit and watch the kids, enyoying each others company.
One of my favorite things to do with my sister is dance. She always tells our nieces and nephews that she tried out for "So you think you can dance" and didn't make it. I'm always in the background supporting her claim 100%...you should ask her about it sometime. Most afternoons that we hang out, after the kids have napped and had "quiet time", Bonnie turns on the music and we jam out with the kids. They love it. We love it. I remember dancing with Bonnie when we were probably 8 and 10yrs. old in our play room. We would make up different dance moves to Madonnas, Material Girl song, among many others. We thought we were so cool...what am I saying, we WERE cool! When we go to my brothers house and pull out our dance moves we get a lot of strange looks from our nieces and nephew but we don't really care, we're having the time of our life's. It's so nice to spend time together laughing and smiling, just living in the moment and enjoying each other. I'm grateful for her and her sweet family in my life. I look forward to the new experiences and memories we will make, like dancing in the kitchen together with our grand kids, and eating meatballs at IKEA. Heres to you sister! I.Love.You.

Second chances

Yesterday, I had a rough day...Today I'm grateful for second chances. I'm grateful the sun came up, and we had blue skies. I'm grateful that I woke up. I'm grateful I could talk to an old friend. I'm grateful my kids could play with there friends. I'm grateful I could go on a drive. I'm grateful my kids were so happy. I'm grateful we weeded the garden together. I'm grateful for the sunshine on my back. I'm grateful for little kisses and hugs. I'm grateful for my better half. I'm grateful I could sit and be still. I'm grateful I could talk to my sister, I love her. I'm grateful I could use my body. I'm grateful for my green shake. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my voice. I'm grateful for this journey and experiences life is giving me. I'm grateful for the time I've been given. I'm grateful for second chances.

Mirrors

In our home we have sliding door mirrors that cover our closets. They are plastered with kids slobbery kisses, imprints of hands, smudges of tiny lips, and faces. To a "normal" person I'm sure they look dirty, ie; Andy, but not to me! I clean them maybe once a month (if that) when it gets hard to see yourself in them...but in the meantime I'm enjoying those mirrors, and tiny prints. Because someday, they won't be there anymore, they won't need to be cleaned, they won't be kissed, or used for pretend play, or hide and seek. The other day my Mother in law pointed out that there were "a lot" of hand prints on the big mirror in our living room. I just smiled and said I know! Isn't it wonderful? I didn't wash them off, I think I'll enjoy them a little bit longer.

2/28/2011

Every few months I get to go to the Huntsman and get a CT scan, or an MRI to check the status of my "Cancer". If you are dealing with an illness like this, you probably know the drill...The Doctor puts in an order for you to get a scan months in advance, you get to drink a delicious drink called barium (sarcasm here) over a period of an hour and a half before your test, they inject you with a dye which makes you feel like you are wetting your pants, and then you get the scan. The rest of the day you get to deal with all of the junk coming out of your system, it's really quite lovely. This last test my Oncologist suggested I get an MRI because I've gotten so many CT scans and with those scans had a lot of radiation exposure. With an MRI you need to fast 4hours before the procedure, you get to lay super still on a table, strapped down (I guess they are afraid you will jump off), with an IV, wear headphones to block out the sound of the machine. (It sounds like a jack hammer, I'm not joking). The test lasts about an hour. While laying there your mind can run in several different directions. I have learned over the years that it doesn't do me a damn bit of good to think negatively. I let my mind relax, and then my body followed...all the time thinking that I have done everything in my power to get better to follow a healthy lifestyle, to make good choices for myself, body, soul, and spirit. It's almost surreal really, because you are at the mercy of God, of this machine. It's going to give you results, whether they be good or bad, whether they make you happy or sad...you will get results...And you will go forward, and you will keep living, no matter what the results are. You have to.
After checking into my Oncologists office, we wait in the waiting area. There are so many different types of people there. Young, old, middle aged, with hair, without, families, friends...some make small chat, but mostly it is quiet. There is an underlying bond, we're all there for the same thing, going thru similar situations, fighting for our lives. Although I don't know anyone in that room but Andy, I feel like I do, I feel like they are my friends, we are connected.
We are called to the back by our nurse Vanessa. We have known her for 3 plus years, she is a beautiful girl and we exchange what has been going on in our lives. She weighs me, checks my blood pressure, temperature, I get my blood drawn, I'm ready. She leads us back to a room, chats some more and leaves to find our Oncologist. At this point in our visit my heart is racing, and I'm praying...for peace, understanding, insight, love, the prayers pour out of my heart, and cover my soul. I'm fidgety, Andy holds my hand, and we look at each other.
The Doctor comes in, I try to read her face, her movements. After a few pleasantries, we ask, So, how is it? It's stable. Andy squeezes my hand, my heart is racing, I tear up, smile, give thanks to God, and feel like I can breathe. After all day, I can breathe. She does an exam and tells us again. "Sarah, keep proving us wrong, keep proving us wrong." I tell her I will...because that's what I want to do, and I will do it. She tells us we are good for another 4months. I can live with that. We embrace, and tell her thank you. I feel like she cares, I know our team of Doctors care...I am very blessed.
We walk out, and I look around the waiting area, I wonder about all of the others sitting in that room...and I hope that they will receive good news, either way we keep walking, we keep going, we keep living.

Music

My Mother loved music. She grew up taking piano lessons and singing at different functions with her twin sister. As a child I remember her listening to Anne Murray, The Oak Ridge Boys, blaring on the record player while cleaning, and singing along. I know she instilled in us kids the love for music. My Dad told us, that one year my Mom wanted a baby grand piano, so she worked very hard until she saved enough money to buy one....it was beautiful, a treasure. We all got to practice playing on it...I miss those days.
After our Mom died, my Dad set up a music scholarship in her name and memory at Payson High School. My siblings and I are blessed to present it to a recipient each year. Last year my brother Matt gave it out. He said some profound things which touched my heart. I was so proud of him, I'd like to share some of his thoughts with you...they made a huge impact on me.

"As you sit there I ask a question, how many times have you heard a song and were taken to a distant memory? Yanni, the self taught pianist, keyboardist, and composer stated: "Whether a person is spiritual or not, we all seek to get away from the stress, anger, and anxiety of everyday life. Some people drink, do drugs, or do worse to escape, and they hurt themselves in the process. Some people listen to music and feel better."
Our mother loved music. There are times in my life where I can close my eyes and remember her singing a particular song sharing her talents with those around her. This scholarship is one way that we try to help that song carry forward. We have been giving this award for over 25 years...As you listen to music may you ponder these words from the French poet Victor Hugo. "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." We ask you to express your song as out mother expressed hers."

Of course, I cried. I still do. Thank you Mom for bringing music into our lives. Thank you Matt for helping us not forget. I love you brother.

Live Like You Were Dying

Have you ever heard of the song written by Tim McGraw; "Live Like You Were Dying?" Honestly, it's gone thru my mind more then once. A couple of years ago I heard it on the radio, at first the lyrics bothered me, the song hit to close to my heart. I'd push the lyrics out of my mind. After a while they began to pierce my heart. Was I living like I was dying? Doing the things that I truly desired to do? My Oncologist has told me that I was "terminal", and not"going" to get better... I of course disagree. It really got me down one day so I called my Daddy to talk about it. he said; "Sarah, aren't we all terminal? We don't know how much time we have on this earth...life can change in an instant for anyone. Live each day." His words rang true in my soul. For this New Year I've made some resolutions that I look forward to experiencing more in my Life:

Be. Do. Smile. Hope. Peace. Laugh. Give. Run. Grace. Pray.
Receive. Breathe. Travel. Meditate. Experience. Love. Feel.
Joy.
Live.
Live more.
Live life to the fullest.

I look forward to every moment, breath, touch, smile...with Ella, Noah, Andy, family, friends. This will be the best year of my life. I hope it will be yours as well.

From the bottom of my heart

My cup runneth over today. My heart is bursting from the seams. I am overcome with gratitude for the kindess of friends, family, and strangers. My good friends Heath and Mahogani Thurston are putting on a 5k for me and my family, in April. I've known them for years, we go way back. In fact our Mothers were best friends when we were growing up. I know if she was alive today they still would be best friends. I just want to say thank you to Heath and Mahogani, and thank you to everyone; for caring enough to do something. For being involved in our lifes, for making a difference, for reaching out. One question that we have heard over and over again from people is "What can we do?" Thank you to everyone for asking. Thank you for doing. Thank you for being. Thank you for making a difference. Thank you for giving us hope. Thank you for helping us to feel that we aren't alone in this. Thank you for making this burden lighter. I am going to beat this. We are going to beat this together...wow, it's so nice to say that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Soup for the Soul

I don't know how many of you would be interested in this, but I'm going to share a recipe with you that I created. I love food, and I'm obsessed with food blogs. I love trying new things and sharing the good ones! TO all of you who know I love broccoli, I'm sure you're not surprised that it's the main ingredient! Here goes!

Creamy Broccoli Soup

Melt 1 T. Coconut oil in large sauce pan
Add 1 T. Coconut butter, stir together
Add 1 diced medium yellow onion
Add 4-6 cloves garlic, minced
Add 1lb. or more broccoli florets
Saute lightly
Add 2 bay leaves
Add 2c. homemade veggie broth
Add 2c. homemade almond milk
Add 1 pinch nutmeg, ground black pepper and sea salt to taste
Place lid on pot and cook on low for 5 minutes. Take soup off of heat and leave the lid on for 1o minutes or more (depends on how soft you like your broccoli, I like mine fairly crisp)
When ready to eat, salt and pepper to taste, and remove bay leaves!
Delish, and creamy!

Let me know what you think!

Slowing down

There are days where I'm not feeling to hot. When I have to slow down and take it easy. I honestly don't get sick that often, but when I do both Andy and I start to wonder if it is "Cancer" related, or not. This past week has been like that. By slowing down it has helped me to be grateful for when I do feel good. When I do have the energy to take care of our home, children, husband, and myself. My health is invaluable, priceless. Times like these I'm so grateful for good neighbors, family and friends. I'm grateful I can call a friend for help, or my Mother in law ( I got lucky to have a wonderful one). No, it's not very fun being sick, but maybe a good reminder for me to slow down and enjoy all that I have. I am blessed, so very blessed.

Angels among us

A few days before Christmas we heard a knock at our door. Andy answered it and called for me to come and see. On the porch there were 2 boxes of wrapped gifts with our names on them. We both looked at each other in surprise. The kids were ecstatic, they were jumping up and down asking if Santa had come early this year?! We were shocked, and brought them in the house. We decided the kids could each open 1 gift before Christmas. Ella opened a game, Noah opened some spider man boots (which he has worn day and night since that day). Ella asked again if Santa had come early. We had the privilege of explaining to her that there were "Angels" on earth. These "Angels" were watching over us and gave us all of these gifts. She asked if "Angels lived in Heaven? We said yes, and they are on earth as well...they were sent from Heaven. "So, these angels love us?" she said, "Yes, they love us, was our reply." During this entire time tears were streaming down my face, my heart was filled with love, bursting with gratitude. We knelt and thanked Heavenly Father for such kindness. Andy and I are so grateful, so touched that someone took the time to think of us, and give us such special and thoughtful gifts. We had a wonderful, and memorable Christmas. May God Bless those Angels among us.