datestampWednesday, October 28, 2015

What a ride

It has been quite the ride the last few weeks...difficult, but beautiful. This last week we were able to meet up with an educated Doctor up at the Huntsman, who took the time to review my case and history to give us a second opinion.  Who took my many scans, and labs, and, and, and in front of a panel of Doctors to discuss my body. I received a call back from her this week with good news. They determined it was not in my bone, nor in the marrow. How is this so different from the last radiologist? You have a rare type of cancer that is hard to detect to someone not familiar with my case. My cause. My life. But, you have a mass in your pelvis...and we will monitor it...and you will come back soon...and we will see what happens...In all of this of course you know by now the tears are falling. I praise my God, for He has shown mercy on me. For there is light even in darkness. For there is good even in the bad. These past few weeks many wonderful people whom I love have reached out to us. Sending good thoughts, prayers, uplifting me. Guiding me on this journey in love and kindness. The only way I can explain this feeling is that I have been sustained. Sustained. This feeling has nourished my soul, empowered me, lifted me up. Gratitude has filled my heart a thousand times over. Gratitude.  It has made me ponder the power of many, how we can help each other.  Love lifted up in a higher power. How it can change a person. How it is changing me...and I am thankful.  I am thankful for this life I have been given to live. I am thankful that I can taste the bitter to know the sweet. I am thankful that having Cancer makes me see life clearer. I am thankful for each moment...the good and the bad, because it is helping me grow. What a ride it's been, what a ride it is. What a ride it will be and I'm sure as hell happy to be on it.

datestampThursday, October 8, 2015

I will Live

Today I received the results back from my 6 months scans. I don't know what I was expecting to hear, just hoping for good news. I have been surprised with how much peace I have felt over the last few days. Getting scans are so hard, and the waiting game is usually more difficult. I have most likely cried a thousand tears today, and I'm sure I have a thousand more that will come. Things are looking better in my Liver and abdomen, for this I am in awe and so grateful. They are seeing some shrinkage in both of them. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard my Doctor say that to me, but there was more to come. It was my pelvis, irregular bone marrow, probably metastatic disease...Irregularity in the peritoneal my bones. What does that even mean?? What are you trying to tell me? I asked again. The cancer has spread to your bone marrow in your pelvis. Silence. Shock. Amidst all of that I felt a form of peace. This same peace I had felt when I knelt in prayer before my God pouring out my heart to Him. I know He knows my heart and what I desire in this life. I know He heard me. I told Him not my will but His, and whatever the outcome I would do what needs to be done. I will fight. I will live to see my babies grow up. I will. I will keep going even when it is hard. I will not give up. I will not let this cancer beat me. I am stronger then this cancer. Of course a part of me is heartbroken, of course. Of course I thought of my sweet babies, and my heart hurt. They make me stronger. They make me want to hold on tighter. Cancer can't take that away from me. I will continue to live. I will live harder, love harder, hold longer, forgive easier, smile more, be more, do more, listen more, give more. I will keep going no matter the cost. I have been so blessed. God has given me 9 beautiful and heartbreaking years to watch my babies be with my husband, my soul mate. Cancer can't take that away from me. I can only hope and fight for more. I will not be afraid, for my God is on my side. He is aware of me. He is aware of you...a tear drops from my face... I let go and soar.......