Thoughts of the heart

To my everything,
There will be those that will tell you, you will fail and not to try.  Don't listen to them. They may say hurtful things and say things that aren't true, learn to let it go, don't believe it.  Decide what you want in your mind and go for it. Work for it. Do it. Be it. Believe it. Live it. You are capable of doing whatever you desire to do, as long as you put your mind and heart into accomplishing it. You can do hard things! I am living proof that I want to live. That miracles happen on this earth, that God is good and He hears us, that there are good people on this earth.  I've been told many, many times that I am dying, that there is no hope, that I should go and get "comfortable". I choose not to listen, we choose not to listen. Instead, I've said to myself thousands of times; I will live, I will survive, I will get better, I will be happy, I will have another child, I will watch them grow, I will love, I will live. I will. I will. I will...and I have. Has this journey been easy? No. Would I do it again? Yes, I would... I have you. My three sweetest blessings. You are everything to me. Everything. Always believe. Never give up, even when life's heaviness is upon your back, look towards the sun. Look to our God, trust in Him and let go.

All my love to you,
Momma, Sarah

Friends forever

Over my life time I've had hundreds of close friends and angels in my life. They sometimes come for a time, and leave a mark on my heart and soul...we may lose touch for a while and meet again at  the most random places to reconnect...time seems like it didn't even pass, and we were where we were years ago. Not too long ago, I met one of these angels, my soul sister. I swear we knew each other before we were born. Just reconnected, and I am forever grateful for the imprint she has made on my heart and on my families. Words cannot express the feelings in my heart.
It has not only been sweet for me, but for my sweet babe. I held her  in my arms tonight and sang to her. Tears fell down her face and her little heart broke before my eyes, because her best friend moved away too. She expressed how she wouldn't get to see her everyday, and how there is no person like her! I was touched by her simple, yet profound words...I felt happiness and sadness at the same time. Happiness that she had connected to someone at such a young age, and sadness that life is hard sometimes. I explained to her that people will come and go. Life will be kept living. Time continues to move forward, but tried to reassure her that distance and time doesn't break the bonds of friendship. True friendship is what we found, and that goes on forever.  

The Mundane

Today was busy,  to some it may sound mundane...driving to and from lessons, carpool, laundry, impromptu breakfast with extended family, visiting, grocery shopping, homework, fixing lunch, dinner, carpool again.. at our final lesson I was able to sit still and watch my babies and nephews at their swim lessons. I was alone, while they were in the pool with their teacher. Smiling happy faces, so excited to show me what they were accomplishing. In a split second It was as if the room stood still for a moment and my heart swelled up. Tears came to my eyes and I felt gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to be there, right in the moment. No phone. No distractions. Just me and my sweet side kicks. I felt pure joy for the opportunity.  Immediately I whispered a thank you to Heavenly Father for the gift of living this day. For these moments I could feel joy! It felt so good to be there. A part of their life's. How lucky am I to get to be able to be busy and do the mundane things of life? I am so lucky. I love living. Love it.

5 days

 My MRI results finally came back this afternoon, after 5 long days. No new tumors, all other tumors are stable. I can breathe. Tears roll down my cheeks. I said a small prayer thanking God for this gift. I was out and about when I received the news. I called my Dad, and then the tears really came, flowing. I am not ashamed to show my heart...I always wear it on my sleeve. How do I express the thoughts from my soul? From my heart? Thank you. Thank you my friends for making this Cancer I carry on my back lighter, that I cannot feel how heavy it can be on my soul. As soon as I'm able, I kneel down in prayer before my God and weep. He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He heard you. I thank Him...and like you, I feel like thank you doesn't adequately express how I feel. I will show Him my gratitude in the way I live. My soul is at peace. My heart is still. The rain washes over me and I am clean.

Thursday

It's a humbling experience getting MRI scans. I knew it would be coming up soon, but tomorrow is so quick. Tomorrow. It will be here before I know it...after my dreams and my much needed sleep. I will arise just like every Thursday, but this one will start different.  It will also end differently. I can only hope and pray for the best.  I know God knows my heart.  I also know that I will do what He asks of me. That is why it's humbling for me. It reminds me of where I have come and the journey I have ahead.  It reminds me to stop and listen harder. To block out all of the noise in this life that surrounds us, and focus on what is important. Living. The now. Family. People. Moments. Time. Reaching out. Helping others. Being. I am touched by the simple reminders of how life is hard, but beautiful and worth it at the same time. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of me. Who loves me no matter what. I am blessed. Peace knocks on the door of my heart and I let it in.

Goodnight

My sweet Aunt Myrl passed from this life a few short weeks ago. It was a bittersweet day for me. Sweet that she was free from the pain she was living with. Bitter because I will miss her presence in my life and my children's. She was so patient with my babies and I. Some of our favorite memories of our sweet Aunt was going to the Oak Crest Inn, to eat their yummy scones. Oh, how she loved that place! We would pick her up and go as quick as we could to make it before the lunch menu changed! We had to plan it out exactly after the kids would come home from school. She dressed up and looked nice with her pink lipstick on and bright eyes. Only kind words passed her lips, I don't ever recall hearing a negative word come from her mouth. My babies would bounce around on the booth, and I'd ask Aunt Myrl all types of questions about her childhood. We loved hearing her stories. She had lived such a rich and full life, and it was a treat to hear her retell her experiences. We also loved visiting her at home. She was always out picking up twigs in her yard, weeding her flowerbeds, planting flowers, and tending to her chores. She took such great care of her home, and was very proud of it, as well of all of the memories inside. She always had a treat waiting for whomever came to visit, a werthers candy or popcorn!  My kids knew exactly where to go to find her stashes of werthers, she had a never ending supply! She would talk about her Grand kids and Great grand kids, her children...oh, how she adored each and every one of them! She was so proud. Everyone knew how much they were loved by sweet Aunt Myrl. She wasn't afraid to give a hug, or say I love you. When she said it, we knew she meant it. We loved visiting her. I miss her so. We miss her so. When she was really ill I took the kids to see her, we fed her and held her hand. My son was more quiet this visit, and played contently. My daughter helped feed her as well. We tried to make her comfortable. We visited and we mostly talked...about life and the things we had done that day. She always loved to hear what we had been up to, and took an interest in what the kids were doing. When we were driving home, my sweet girl softly started crying. My boy asked if Aunt Myrl was dying and I said, yes. It was quiet for a moment, and then we talked about what happens when someone we love dies...yes, she will see her husband and twin sister! Yes, she won't be in anymore pain. Yes, she will be able to walk and run. Yes, she will remember us. Yes, she loves you. Yes, we will see her again. Yes.
 A couple days later I went to see her alone. She was in some sort of coma. I think she knew I was there and could hear me. I talked to her and cried the whole time. I held her hand, and rubbed her soft arm. Touched her forehead, whispered how much I loved her. What a gift she was to us. As I was getting ready to leave I told her I didn't like goodbyes, I wasn't good at them, so I said Goodnight and kissed her forehead. I would see her when she woke up.
 We dressed nice, got ready, stood in line, saw family and friends. So many people. We signed her book, all of our names in a row. Baby boy found her candy box and took a werthers, gave one to sister. Walked through the line. Gave meaningful hugs, received them back. I usually don't like to go to viewings. I don't like to have that as my last memory, but this was different. Aunt Myrl was beautiful, no lines on her face. She looked so peaceful. So happy. I bent down and kissed her forehead, and my sweet baby girl said Goodnight. Goodnight sweet Aunt Myrl, until we see you again.

Imprinted

My heart has been bursting with joy today. Pure joy. I would be ungrateful if I didn't express the feelings that I have in my soul. My sweet baby girl chose to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I was able to witness it. I was here, what a tender mercy. I took it all in, each moment was fulfilling a dream I've had for years. As I helped her get into her beautiful dress that she was twirling in the last time she wore. The thought overcame me, that the next white dress I will help her get into will be her wedding dress (in at least 20 years)! We embraced, and I whispered how proud of her I am and how much I love her. Peace. Stillness. My heart, so full. My baby has grown before my eyes. I will savor each moment more. Embrace her longer. Sing a little more. Forgive easier. She has taught me more then I could have ever imagined. What an honor it is for me to be her Momma. I tell her often that she made me a Momma, and that was the best gift I've ever been given. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of us. I am grateful that I have the knowledge that families are forever. I take it in. This day has been imprinted in my heart, never to be forgotten. I am happy that I have been given the gift of life. Living is good...so, so good. 

Letters

My Dear sweet babies,

 Oh, how I love and adore you. I am so lucky to be your Momma. So lucky. What a wonder it is to watch you grow and learn. I am in awe of you. I enjoy your voices. I love your giggles and laughter. You make me strong, when I feel weak. You hug me when I am struggling. You lift me up. I fight for you everyday. I live for you everyday. I am honored to get to raise such strong little people. I want you to know how special you are. I want you to know how loved you are. I want you to know how worth it you are to me. So worth every moment. I yearn to be here for all of your life's experiences.  I know it is hard sometimes to understand Cancer. To comprehend why Momma has it. It will all work out my loves. We each have something to learn on this earth. That is why I do my treatments. That is why I won't give up. Because of you. I am so grateful and so happy that I am here to be a part of your journey. I am grateful for our memories we are making, our moments we live.  I want you to know that you will always be my babies. Always. Even when you're all grown up. You will always be mine. We are part of something magical and great. We all have a gift each day. Use it. Love it. Hold it close. Live it. My dreams have come true through you. You are my dreams. My loves. My light. My reasons. 

I love you to the moon and back,

Love,

xoxoxo

Momma,

Because of Him

I am in wonder of this life. How blessed I feel to breathe, live, and to be here, because of Him.  As simple as weeding in the yard, feeling the earth on my hands, walking on the grass with bare feet, being embraced by the light which surrounds me, all because of Him.  Hearing my babies calling for me Momma. Momma. What a beautiful sound...it is an honor to raise these sweet little ones, and it is all because of Him. I am alive because of Him. I am given another day, another chance, another moment, because of Him. I am found when I am lost in the darkness, because of Him. I am reassured all will be well, because of Him. I am given hope, when the hardships of this life are heavy on my back, because of Him. I know I will see my sweet Mother again and we will embrace because of Him. I stand in awe as His daughter, He is everything. He has shown me how to love. accept. live. let go. be still, this life is all because of Him. I know He lives. I know He lives. For this I am eternally grateful,  I know that my Redeemer Lives!

The Earth

I've tried to teach my children to respect the earth...to love it, to enjoy it, to feel it.  I am so grateful for this beautiful earth. Grateful I am blessed to have the opportunity to live on it. Grateful to see the beauty of it everyday.  A few weeks ago my sweet girl was asked to give a talk in church. It could be on any topic. To my surprise she picked; The Earth. I helped her write her thoughts down and she drew pictures and spoke on her own.
                              
                                                       The Earth
Heavenly Father gave us this earth for a reason, because He loves us so much.  He wanted us to have a place to learn and grow.  These are some of the reasons why I love our earth.

1. I love the warm sunshine shining on my back.
2. I love the feel of the grass when I lay down on it.
3. I like to feel the dirt on my hands when I plant a seed.
4. I like to dance and play in the rain.
5. I like it when the wind blows in my hair and face.
6. I like it when I hear the birds chirping.
7. I like to play in the snow and touch the icicles.
8. In the Summer I love to run and play tag with my friends.
9. I like to watch my garden grow every day.
10. I like to go on bike rides and explore.

This earth is a beautiful gift from our Heavenly Father.  I am so grateful for it. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

While she spoke, I was beaming with pride, felt love...joy...peace. Her thoughts rang true in my heart. I have so much to learn from my sweet babe and her spirit.  What an amazing gift we all have been given. I am happy we can share it together.

Grace

When I wrote my last post, I second guessed myself. It sat for hours without me publishing. I felt strange asking for prayers.  After hours of going back and forth in my mind I fell asleep. I awoke around 2:45am to the thought that I absolutely HAD to push the publish button...the feeling overcame me and I did it. I realized that I need you. I needed these prayers and good thoughts. I've felt a lot of peace over the years, but the last 3 days have been phenomenal. No late nights worrying, no anxiety, just peace. Oh, how sweet it has tasted. I am forever indebted to you all.
Today I found out that some of my tumors have calcified and are in necrosis, which means they are dead. I also learned that several are vascular, which means they're alive and have their own blood supply, but they are STABLE!  This is AMAZING news! The treatment that I've been doing for the last year and a half is working! We saw a light at the end of the tunnel...and it felt so good embracing it. I know we have a long journey ahead of us, but I know we are being blessed along the way. Words cannot adequately express my thoughts and feelings.  This I know with every fiber of my being that God lives. I know He is aware of each of us. I know that I'm living because of His grace. I know He hears us. We are not alone. Thank you for being a part of our journey. Much love to you my friends.

real

I know a few things in this life are real.  One of those thing being prayer. For me, I know that God hears me and listens to my pleas. I know He hears you. I have a simple request... If just for a moment would you please say a prayer in my behalf? Is it strange to ask? Maybe...but I know He will listen. Call it what you may. A higher power. Being. Universe. Prayer. Thought. Will.  I know there is power in many.  I'm being honest. Asking real questions. Do I have Cancer? Yes. Should I still be alive with the type of Cancer I have? No, but I am living by the grace of God. Do I have my CT scans in 36 hours? Yes. Am I human and need peace? Yes. Am I afraid at times? Yes...but tonight...tonight I'm focusing on what is real. I need you...for a moment. Please. I have Hope. I know He will listen.

Alive

I love to dream...it keeps me grounded. I love looking forward to the next moment. Life has so much to experience...so much living to do. I talk often with my sweet man about our dreams.  Where we see ourselves in years to come...in moments...in time.  I get to hold my sweet babies. I see Joy in their eyes. I embrace it and hold on tight to the memories we are making. I look back and feel so much...wow. We are blessed. I feel happy. Peace. I am in awe to be on this earth;  Here. Now. Alive. I've dreamt of this life for years...and I get to be here. I embrace life and live. It feels so good.  I can breathe.

yesterday

Sometimes it just hits me...moments where I remember how far I've come.  Quite a few years ago, when I was really struggling, and oh so sick from the chemo. My sweet brothers and sisters came to our home with a warm meal, smiling faces, encouraging words. They set up the tables and chairs. Warmth and voices filled our home. Light. It was time to eat and they came to my bed...lifted me up and carried me. I shed many tears and cried out in pain.  "I cannot do this!"  "I am so tired." My sweet sisters said: "Yes, you can...you can do this.  We love you...you are strong."  For a moment time stood still. I remember looking around; there was so much love surrounding me...us. Everything was okay in that moment. Peace swept my soul. Love engulfed me. Hope filled my heart. Doubt and fear left. I was still.
I wept when this memory came to my mind. Wept. Some memories are hard to relive, but necessary to remember. I am grateful for these moments to remind me of how blessed I am. What a gift my sweet family gave me that day. I am so grateful they believed in me, and continue do so. From the bottom of my heart and soul. I love you. I love you. I love you.