datestampThursday, October 8, 2015

I will Live

Today I received the results back from my 6 months scans. I don't know what I was expecting to hear, just hoping for good news. I have been surprised with how much peace I have felt over the last few days. Getting scans are so hard, and the waiting game is usually more difficult. I have most likely cried a thousand tears today, and I'm sure I have a thousand more that will come. Things are looking better in my Liver and abdomen, for this I am in awe and so grateful. They are seeing some shrinkage in both of them. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard my Doctor say that to me, but there was more to come. It was my pelvis, irregular bone marrow, probably metastatic disease...Irregularity in the peritoneal coverings...in my bones. What does that even mean?? What are you trying to tell me? I asked again. The cancer has spread to your bone marrow in your pelvis. Silence. Shock. Amidst all of that I felt a form of peace. This same peace I had felt when I knelt in prayer before my God pouring out my heart to Him. I know He knows my heart and what I desire in this life. I know He heard me. I told Him not my will but His, and whatever the outcome I would do what needs to be done. I will fight. I will live to see my babies grow up. I will. I will keep going even when it is hard. I will not give up. I will not let this cancer beat me. I am stronger then this cancer. Of course a part of me is heartbroken, of course. Of course I thought of my sweet babies, and my heart hurt. They make me stronger. They make me want to hold on tighter. Cancer can't take that away from me. I will continue to live. I will live harder, love harder, hold longer, forgive easier, smile more, be more, do more, listen more, give more. I will keep going no matter the cost. I have been so blessed. God has given me 9 beautiful and heartbreaking years to watch my babies grow...to be with my husband, my soul mate. Cancer can't take that away from me. I can only hope and fight for more. I will not be afraid, for my God is on my side. He is aware of me. He is aware of you...a tear drops from my face... I let go and soar.......

15 comments:

Kim Orlandini said...

I love you my dear friend Sarah. Fighting with you and sending every ounce of faith and hope to Heaven on your behalf. Miss you.

Toad said...

You have such an amazing outlook on life! I'm so sorry for your trials...keep fighting and hold your little ones close!

Chelsi said...

You are simply amazing! ❤❤❤

Chelsi said...
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Janean said...

You are amazing!! Love your positive outlook on life! Such a great example to anyone who knows you! I want to be more like you! Hugs dear friend! ❤

Janean said...
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Stacey said...

what an amazing woman you are. I am so impressed by how positive you are about everything. You are always so worried about everyone else and doing for everyone else. When you come into the school you bring such a sweet spirit with you. I feel so blessed to know you. Thank you for all you do and for the wonderful presence you are!!

Courtney said...

Oh Sarah. This breaks my heart. I know you are strong and a fighter and that you will do all you can to beat this. You are an amazing person and you and your family are in our prayers.

gmabob said...
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Lisa Emang Pollock said...

Sarah- Thank you for being a wonderful example to me of how to truly live. None of us know how long we have on this earth but we don't all have constant reminders of how fragile mortality is like you do at this time in your life. Thank you for sharing your feelings and for looking for and sharing the positive that you find throughout your battle. YOU ARE AMAZING!

Lisa Emang Pollock said...
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Cheltz said...

So strong. With God you are becoming so strong. Hold on!

Leslie Loftin said...

Sarah, You are such an amazing lady and an example to us all! Love you!

ShayLynn said...

Thinking of you! You WILL and you CAN do all things through Christ! Sending prayers, hugs and peace!!

peter said...

Sarah I love you with all my heart. You are my hero. You inspire me with your faith as you walk with Christ. You and your family have moved to the top of our prayer list. Clixie and Pete

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