5 weeks

5 weeks ago I went up to the Huntsman to get some genetic testing done. Since they have re classified the cancer I have as being a "wild strain" they wanted to be sure I didn't have 6 mutations which can occur with this type of Cancer. While I was there they explained to me if I tested positive for 1 of the mutations then the chances of my children getting this type of cancer would be 50%. If I tested positive for 2 of the mutations, then their chances would go up. Which would mean that they would need to go through getting blood draws, scans, and all of the hell that cancer can cause. We chose to receive these tests because my husband said a long time ago that "knowledge is power". Having the knowledge that we do, or will receive will help us make the proper decisions for the future. Needless to say, I was heartbroken after the appointment and I cried the whole way home. All I could think about were my babies, my sweet babies. This cancer can do whatever the hell it wants to do to me, but not my babies. The last 5 weeks have been difficult waiting for the results, and I have cried a thousand tears. I called those who were close to me and shared the news, they were heartbroken as well. During these last weeks I held my babies closer, prayed harder, pleaded, bargained, sent out good thoughts. Enjoyed my life more. I was humbled. So humbled. As I have said before God knows me and knows the desires of my heart. He was near. I felt Him.
We had my appointment this past week. Both my husband and I felt that I would most likely have one of the mutations...since this journey has already been a hell of a ride. We sat down with the Doctor, she first said that my scans looked like everything was still stable...but they were going to send my scans to a panel of doctors just to make sure. Relief and what a blessing. Thank you for all of your sweet thoughts, messages and prayers. The next genetic Doctor sat in front of us and made small talk. She then said that I surprisingly didn't have any of the mutations. The tears flowed, my gasp of relief was audible. I looked at my love and he was just as relieved. The Doctor said that if I was to have tested positive that in actuality my babies would have had the cancer...my heart felt like it skipped a few beats. The room was silent. In my mind and heart I thought that God is good. He is aware of me. He loves you. He loves me. Life isn't always what we expect it to be. Life is hard, mixed with happy, sad, tragedy, triumph, pain, power, love...so much love. We have to find it, we have to be it. We all have hard things to deal with in life. The question I ask myself all of the time is How will I deal with it? How will I let this experience mold me? At times I have failed miserably. At times I have stumbled and have fallen...but there has always been good in the darkness, light when I felt like there was none to be found...yet I have chosen to get up...and I'm not stopping.

I've Gotta Be Me

Sometimes the best talks I have with my kids are when we are driving in the car. Tonight was the perfect example. My baby girl asked me if I was ever going to get better from being sick? This topic has come up several times over the years. We always are direct and frank with them. They are aware when "Mommy needs to rest" or "Mommy doesn't feel well" or "Mommy has a doctors appointment". I told her I had a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I think it was on her mind. Maybe they are too aware, but I want to be open with them...because Life is fragile. Life can change in a moment. second. breathe. I told her that yes, I wanted to get better, of course I want to get better. That is why mommy does what she does...because I want to Live. I have to believe that I will get better...but I live my life each day the best that I can. I work hard. I play hard. I live hard. This is me. I am me and I am happy. I told her all of these things and that that is how she needs to live her life. Do her best. Be her best, if you fall, you get back up and fight harder. Believe in yourself and be happy with being you. My brother made a cd and this song was on it. In fact, we were listening to it tonight when she was asking me these questions. I told her to listen to the words, feel them. Believe, don't merely survive. Be yourself. All will fall into place...it always does, and not always the way you think it will. Roll with it. Let life lift you.  It will work out. I've gotta believe.