Last breath

Sometimes it takes me a while to process information, especially the past few weeks. Emotions, wonder, sadness, peace. It seems complicated in my mind and can only hope my thoughts make sense. This past month I got my scans done, and met with the Huntsman. Each time I go in, I honestly think they will tell me the cancer is gone. Each time...but, that is not the case. I guess it is my heart ever hoping, and it will never stop. It was hard to hear him say that they do not have a cure for my type of Cancer. He is hoping that with time, they will find one. The treatments that they do have are meant to help stabilize the cancer...which what I am currently doing, is doing, and we are grateful. He also said he really hoped someone would find a cure by the time I needed one...because eventually the time would come that I will need to go that route. I asked him if he would find one? He kind of laughed and said he'd start working on that...I guess what has been hard for me is actually hearing him say those words...again. I have chosen not to believe them for many years. I have chosen to do an alternate route, but still go in to maintain, discuss options, and do check ups. My better half always tells me "Knowledge is power." It really is.  For whatever reason, God has shown me mercy. Given me time, given me more then I could have possibly ever asked for. I am living a blessed life. It's just the coming to terms that hurts sometimes...that makes me really think and pause and takes my breath away. Ultimately, I've chosen to let go, let go of those things that don't make sense, and be...just be. It is the process of living, of loving, of fighting...and I won't stop until my last breath.

Alive

So many feelings. So many emotions. I initially started this blog to share my story, which my family felt was important to share. Over time it has become an outlet for me to express my innermost thoughts on life, love, living, dreams, hurt and more life. I do not call myself an expert in any one thing, just a girl living the best I know how. I hope that someday my babies will read through my posts and recognize that their Momma was strong, that their Momma was weak, that their Momma hurt, that their Momma let people into her heart, loved passionately, and felt things. That I felt life, grief, pain, hope and happiness...that they can find hope even when they might feel broken. I hope they will always choose to embrace the light in life. In my opinion there is always light and love surrounding us. As a human being on this earth we each experience emotions that are so profound and at times cut like a knife to our hearts. It makes life...life, and we can choose to keep going, even when we don't know how, we do. We get up, we get dressed, we live and we fight...for love, for hurt, for another day, for another moment, for a warm embrace, for ourselves, so we can feel, so we can live, so we can be. It makes us human. It makes us real. It makes us alive.

Show up

Sometimes things happen that are hard. Transitions are happening all of the time where people pass on from this life who may be young, old, suffering or not. Someone may be struggling emotionally, mentally, loneliness, a diagnosed illness, a terminal illness, a broken heart...where the eye doesn't see. There is so much going on in others lives that we just really have no idea of. We really have no idea, and I think sometimes we think to ourselves that "they will be ok", "someone else" will take care of them. They must have "family" to help them. All of this matters, but doesn't. I've been trying to teach my kids when things happen to people that are hard, or sad, or whatever may be the case to SHOW UP. Show up. Whether it's standing on someones doorstep with nothing in your hands, but everything in your heart. Reach out, and do more then "let me know if you need anything." I am guilty of this line...I have used it many times in my life. Of course, most people don't let you know, they don't ask...they suffer.  Sometimes quietly, sometimes outwardly, but it happens. We are all human and have a connection with one another whether we acknowledge it or not. We need each other. We need that phone call, that acceptance, that hello, that hug, that dinner, that smile, that I am here, right here, I am here...you are not alone...we can do it, we can help each other. We can Show up in each others lives, and make a difference.

Hibernation

This last while I've been in hibernation. I have chosen to be still, quiet and listen more. To my thoughts, my body, my soul. I have needed to rest more...plan my days out accordingly to how my body feels. I've had to slow down and I have noticed a change in me.  I have let myself feel all of the feels that I tend to hold in. I have let fear in for a day or two, and it does more harm then good...it's not good for my thought processes, but it is necessary in some crazy way. Because I am human, I let myself feel these feelings that are so hard to really hear from someone you love, or roll off the tongue into the Universe. No matter what I am feeling inside, it is the truth before us, behind us, entwined in us. I have chosen to move forward, I have let change wash over me. I put a smile on my face, and hold my sweet babes, for they are my everything...and for a short while I am their everything. I step out into the light and wake up.