Last breath

Sometimes it takes me a while to process information, especially the past few weeks. Emotions, wonder, sadness, peace. It seems complicated in my mind and can only hope my thoughts make sense. This past month I got my scans done, and met with the Huntsman. Each time I go in, I honestly think they will tell me the cancer is gone. Each time...but, that is not the case. I guess it is my heart ever hoping, and it will never stop. It was hard to hear him say that they do not have a cure for my type of Cancer. He is hoping that with time, they will find one. The treatments that they do have are meant to help stabilize the cancer...which what I am currently doing, is doing, and we are grateful. He also said he really hoped someone would find a cure by the time I needed one...because eventually the time would come that I will need to go that route. I asked him if he would find one? He kind of laughed and said he'd start working on that...I guess what has been hard for me is actually hearing him say those words...again. I have chosen not to believe them for many years. I have chosen to do an alternate route, but still go in to maintain, discuss options, and do check ups. My better half always tells me "Knowledge is power." It really is.  For whatever reason, God has shown me mercy. Given me time, given me more then I could have possibly ever asked for. I am living a blessed life. It's just the coming to terms that hurts sometimes...that makes me really think and pause and takes my breath away. Ultimately, I've chosen to let go, let go of those things that don't make sense, and be...just be. It is the process of living, of loving, of fighting...and I won't stop until my last breath.