All These Things That I've Done...

I received my last injection in the middle of November. I'm not going to lie, it was very difficult, I was so ill, and was having a hard time recuperating...to where I felt semi normal! While reflecting this past month or so I've realized that it had been one of the most difficult injections for some reason.  Maybe, so I could see more clearly the sweet things in this life.  I relied a lot on others, especially my family. What a gift they are to me. I would not be here if not for them...
I also had a reason to celebrate this month, it was my birthday! This year my sweet family went all out for me. They got tickets for Andy and I to go to The Killers concert, with some of my siblings and cousins! We were thrilled! That night we went to dinner and were having so much fun. Such excitement in the air. I was so happy to be with them. We finally arrived at the concert and I can honestly say that I had the time of my life. We had the time of our lives! We danced, sang, jumped, screamed...we probably looked like crazy people, yet amiss all of the excitement I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. This was where we were supposed to be at this moment. Sharing this experience with my family...I felt like God was telling me it was going to be alright...I was LIVING. I was HAPPY. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was. It was so nice to forget for the night that I was sick.  The song that was playing at the time was: "All These Things That I Have Done." Listen to it...feel the excitement...that is what it felt like that night! I heard this song the other day and teared up...I felt JOY, so many amazing memories. Such an amazing night, one that will never be forgotten, for many, many years.

Little Wonders...

Having cancer has opened my eyes...to what is really important in this life. It's like waking up, after being asleep for a very long time. A constant reminder of what wonders this life brings to us...like being woken up at night to comfort my baby, after a bad dream. Making ghost pancakes for Halloween, and seeing their happy faces, packing a lunch, and eating at school together, watching my kids dream, create, play. Receiving sweet notes and artwork from my little ones, long hugs, holding hands, watching the sunset, feeling the warmth of this earth, enjoying the stillness. When I sit back and think about what I've been given, I am in awe of the beauty of this world. Of the gift I am living everyday...of what really is important, and what I'm feeling in my heart.  At times I find myself closing my eyes, just to open them, and take it all in...over and over again. So many wonders...

Wishes for you

Do you know what's hard? Watching my son act out while I'm doing my treatment...because he doesn't know how to handle Mommy being sick...heart wrenching actually.  Tonight, I silently was talking to myself in my head, after a particularly difficult day..."I can't do this. I am so sick, I am so tired, this is so hard." As these thoughts were running through my head, my boy climbed into my lap. He was happy to have me hold him...just hold him. I prayed for strength, and that I don't mess up my kids lives, from being so ill, while they are young. I want them to have a happy and memorable childhood. I wish, I wish, I wish, that they didn't have to see me like this....but that won't take it away. It's now. It's time. I'm living it...and I will make it. And, I will hold my babies more, even if I am sick...and I will do it. My best. For them, for them, and for me. Even if it is hard. I will do it. I will live it. I will be. I can do hard things. A new sunrise will come tomorrow, it will be a fresh, clean day...and I will live it. I know I can.

Giving back

Justin and his sweet family


Justin with his siblings and Mom


We have been blessed beyond words these past 6 years. We have received an outpouring of  love, hope, prayers, and kindness. It is hard to express the gratitude we have felt many times in our hearts. Many, many times we weren't even aware of who has reached out...
A few years ago, in December, I was in the kitchen, and there was a loud knock at the door. It took me a minute to get there, but when I did open it there were boxes and boxes of food, gifts, money. I was in shock, just standing with the door wide open...tears of pure joy running down my cheeks. My sweet  neighbor stopped by at that moment and said: "Someone really, really loves you, and is watching out for you." I nodded in agreement.  Angels stopped by our home that day, and left a mark on my heart.
 I had gotten my scans. The news was not good, more tumors had grown, and others had gotten bigger. We were beside ourselves with what to do. I definitely didn't want to do chemotherapy again...we did not have the resources to do an alternative treatment we were wanting to do. With heavy hearts we turned to God, asking for some direction. The next day I went to go get our mail. On our front porch was a white envelope...inside was the exact amount I needed to complete my treatment. Was this a coincidence  No...again, so thankful.
Time, after time, after time experiences like this have happened to our family. We have been shown the pure love of Christ. I am so grateful that people have listened...have followed there hearts in helping human beings who are in need of help. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Andy and I have always talked about paying it forward. And, while it may not always be monetary, it will be in love...kindness, respect...a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, in being a friend...Right now, some friends of ours are in need. My brother in law Matt Hargreaves has a brother named Justin. A few years ago, he survived a stroke, which led to an  anuerysm. He is now in a motorized wheelchair, and his left side is paralyzed. He has a sweet wife and daughter to take care of. He is blessed to be alive. He cannot drive, they have a used van with a lift. It has broken down several times, and is not working at this time. The Hargreaves family are having a silent auction, and a yard sale to raise money for their brother and his family.  To be able to buy a more reliable van, with a proper lift, and help their family regain some of their independence. If you are interested in helping the Hargreaves family in any way, please read his story here: http://getjustinontheroadagain.blogspot.com/, they are accepting items to sell at the yard sale, and any auction items you might be willing to give or you can donate directly through PayPal by following the link. They will be having the sale on Saturday, October 20, 2012 in Salt Lake City, Utah. If anything, please come out to support this great cause, if you have a moment.
I cannot tell you how good it feels to give. To have the blessing to pay it forward in some small way. I hope we can take the time to look around us and see who may need our help. Stop for a moment, in our busy and rushed day to help. Honestly, the kindness of others to our family has changed us for the better.  We can all make such a huge difference in this life. What an amazing gift we have been given...in giving back.

A tender mercy

I'm crying this morning, alone...while making my green smoothie, and doing my morning jobs.  Many tears falling... Sometimes it just hits me.  I'm thinking of Noahs birthday, and if I will be getting my injection at that time, how I can work my schedule out so it doesn't effect his special day. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...special times, moments with family. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not have to think of Cancer.  To not live it everyday. But, this is how it is for this moment in my life...and it gets better each day.  So much better then it was in the beginning. God has made this burden feel light many times. A moment passes, and my baby girl has woken up from her dreams. I wipe my tears and she gives me her morning hugs. Without her knowing, she has made my day so much better, a tender mercy. xo

Hope

My dear friend Sheila sent this to me one day...reading it gave me strength.  So simple, yet so profound. May we always have Hope in this Life...may we never lose sight of what warms our hearts. xo

Emily Dickinson (1830–86).  Complete Poems.  1924.

Part One: Life XXXII

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

The Farm

Some of my earliest memories are from being on the farm. http://www.mcmullinorchards.com  My first job was putting plastic lids on the 25lb buckets of tart cherries, after the sugar was poured in. I was about five years old. I had a stool to sit on, and the guys around me had mallets to pound the lids down. I remember talking, and laughing...passing "my job" off to someone else, while I'd run off getting into mischief. In fact, I did that so much after a few warnings from my Daddy, he'd had it with me. He caught me in the act, and my Momma was standing behind me. He said; "Sarah, you're fired!" I was crushed, and tears started streaming down my face. I'm sure my parents were trying hard not to laugh, but I thought the world was over. My Momma got me into our brown, wood paneled station wagon and I cried the whole way home. The next day when my brother and sister got up to go to the farm...I didn't get to go. I had to learn a lesson. That lasted for a few days, and after much begging, and pleading from me, I was given my job back. After sitting on my familiar blue stool, and holding my plastic lids...I didn't get off of that seat unless I was told to get off. The only thing I did was take a lick of sugar when no one was looking...and boy was it sweet!
Throughout the years I got to do all sorts of jobs with my Dad, Aunts, and Uncles, brothers, sisters, and cousins. We cleaned bins, made brine, organized the tool room, swept the breezeway, burned the trash, made lids, sorted cherries, peaches, pears, nectarines, made boxes, cleaned every machine ever known to man that's on a farm, drove forklifts, tractors, shakers, big trucks, planted trees, pruned trees, picked up branches, watched things grow. While we were working on the farm, I was growing, and learning so much. Did I complain that I didn't get to go to all of girls camp? Or that I had to work on the 4th of July? Ya, I did, but you know what? I look back now, and I don't have any regrets...I am only grateful and happy that I was blessed to grow up working...I'm the lucky one.
One of my favorite times of year at the farm is when the fruit comes on. This year I was thrilled that I was well enough to work during the tart cherries. My sisters and I split a day shift. I'd try to work every other day if I felt well enough. If I wasn't able to my sister Bonnie, or Candi would come in for me. I cannot tell you how nice it was to work on the farm. The first day we started, I walked thru those doors, and I was home. the smell was so familiar, the tart cherry line, the people... I was home. I shed a few tears that day, and a few more after. So, so happy to be there, so grateful to work hard, to look upon the beautiful fruit my Dad,  his brothers and sisters worked so hard to cultivate. It's really an amazing thing to be apart of everything working, and coming together. It also brought me back to my Grandpa Mac checking my bucket of cherries, to see what kind of fruit I was sorting, Dennis taking my lunch, and getting to go into town for a burger and fries at Melts, driving the forklift so fast and running thru a huge garage door with it, & Grandpa Mac telling me I was driving like a "bat out of hell" and to slow down!  Rolling my sleeves up while making brine in the hot sun, singing and dancing to Madonna with my sister while making lids in the brine building...only making 10 in one day! I remember my Dad saying; "What? You only made 10 lids? What have you been doing all day?" What could we have said? We were making up dances to Madonna? He just let it go...It brought me back to the first time I got to sell at the Spanish Fork Farmers Market. I was barely 15, driving the blue van, with my sister Katie in the passenger seat. Hauling fresh fruit and setting it up on the library lawn...22 years later I'm still selling fruit, at that same market for my Dad, his brothers, and sisters. I look forward to it every year. I love it. I love the people. I love the relationships I've built. I love working side by side with my family. I've been given a gift...my heart is so full of love for this huge blessing I've been given...I'm so happy I was able to grow up on the farm.. it sure feels good to come home.