Crossroads

Life has had a lot of ups and downs the last few months. I had an experience which kind of led to a snowball effect of several incidents that rocked my world. Looking back, and after thinking about it for quite a long time. I let them rock my world, heart and my mindset. Sometimes the things that people you love say, or do things that cut so deeply that it is hard to see the light...when really it was there the whole time. I just wasn't able to find it. I found myself at a crossroads that I felt I had been at before...almost in another lifetime, but I chose to go left, instead of right. My choice to let it hurt me was devastating for my soul, and I felt alone for the first time in a long time.
The things that we experience either make or break us. I believe that there is balance in all things. Sometimes you have to go through the bitter, to know the sweet, and to appreciate the good things. I did not realize that the way I was handling it was affecting my little family...until one evening not to long ago I was talking to my baby girl. She was talking about Papa and how much she missed him...and how it was hard to understand why he died, and why he was gone from this earth. We got to talking and I found myself giving her advice that I myself needed to hear, and I finally listened. I told her that Life was hard, but God has given us so many good things to make Life a little easier. Like a new day, and the sun rising, the sun setting and the light we enjoy over the mountains. A thoughtful person who says hello, or gives a smile. It's our job to find the good amidst the difficult things that we encounter on our journey...because Life isn't easy, so God makes up for it in all of the little things, to help us along the way. It is our job, to find the good, and to be the good. That night, It was like a light bulb went off in my head and heart...yes, that is what I needed to do as well! I knelt before my God and asked for His help...to let go, to forgive, to be forgiven, to live better, to find the good. I found myself at the crossroads again, and I am choosing to find the light.

It is what it is

I have a terminal illness...at least that is what the Doctors told me years ago. We chose not to believe that news. We chose to focus on the positive, focus on what I can do, what we can do together. Over the years, I have learned that there is power in many. There is also power in one. There is power in perspective, and being positive. Power. Hope. Love...in so many things and people. I would be lying if I were to tell you that it was easy having cancer, because it is not easy. There are days that are good, and I am so grateful for those days. I take advantage of them, I soak the moments in and share them with my beautiful babies and family. There are days that are hard, where I feel as if I cannot breathe, where much rest is needed for my body, where sometimes tears flow...but I have chosen for the most part to push forward, keep going, keep breathing, keep living... I remember the good days and they give me comfort, strength and clarity.
It's been two weeks since I went in for my several blood tests, scans, doctor visits, and it's been two weeks since I have been waiting for the news of my scans and results. During this time many have reached out to me and asked how things have been. We've felt so much love, and been the recipient of sweet messages and kindness. It's been overwhelming, in a good way. I've had the privilege of feeling love...genuine love and peace.  I thank my God for He has walked with me, and it has been a privilege to lean on Him, and all of you. I recognize how blessed I am...and that there is power and hope in many. My Oncologist said that things were still considered stable...even tho there were some changes. She said this was good news all things considering. Sometimes the desires that you want are good, but they aren't what you have in the end...and I'm learning that I'm okay with that, I'm letting go and letting God lead the way...That it is, what it is. I will do what needs to be done. I will continue to do my best and live the best way I know how. Love as hard as I can, cry when I feel tears coming, enjoy each moment that I have been given. Work hard and enjoy the sweat running down my back. Hold my babies longer, be present. I will continue fighting like hell...because that's all I know how to do. As I sit here I can feel my heart beating, and a smile crosses my lips...it feels so good to be alive. I am blessed.

Blessed life

I live a blessed life. I often reflect in the moment how lucky I am. I have beautiful, healthy babies. My husband has a job and he works so hard for us, plus an awesome bonus is that he loves us unconditionally. We have everything that we would ever want or need, especially each other. I have a loving family, and extended family and we are close. I live a blessed life and I thank God for this second, third and fourth chance I've gotten. I am feeling grateful for the joy that I get to experience in living, in working, in sweating, in hoping, in being, in loving, in seeing, in crying, in sharing, in doing, in teaching, in becoming, in learning, in life, in failing, in getting back up, in keeping going even if it is hard, in experiencing and in hoping.  For those of you who know me, I am a morning person, and I wake up happy 99% of each new day. This hasn't always been the case and I have evolved over the years! (Just ask my dad!)  My love asked me the other day how I can be so happy in the morning? I tell him that we have a new day! We get to start over and do better if we had a tough one the day before! Wow, a new day! God definitely knew what He was doing when he created the Sun, to rise before our eyes and awake our souls. Seriously. I thank Him everyday for it. A new chance. A new beginning. A new breathe. A new perspective. God is good. He is aware of us. I live a blessed life.

5 weeks

5 weeks ago I went up to the Huntsman to get some genetic testing done. Since they have re classified the cancer I have as being a "wild strain" they wanted to be sure I didn't have 6 mutations which can occur with this type of Cancer. While I was there they explained to me if I tested positive for 1 of the mutations then the chances of my children getting this type of cancer would be 50%. If I tested positive for 2 of the mutations, then their chances would go up. Which would mean that they would need to go through getting blood draws, scans, and all of the hell that cancer can cause. We chose to receive these tests because my husband said a long time ago that "knowledge is power". Having the knowledge that we do, or will receive will help us make the proper decisions for the future. Needless to say, I was heartbroken after the appointment and I cried the whole way home. All I could think about were my babies, my sweet babies. This cancer can do whatever the hell it wants to do to me, but not my babies. The last 5 weeks have been difficult waiting for the results, and I have cried a thousand tears. I called those who were close to me and shared the news, they were heartbroken as well. During these last weeks I held my babies closer, prayed harder, pleaded, bargained, sent out good thoughts. Enjoyed my life more. I was humbled. So humbled. As I have said before God knows me and knows the desires of my heart. He was near. I felt Him.
We had my appointment this past week. Both my husband and I felt that I would most likely have one of the mutations...since this journey has already been a hell of a ride. We sat down with the Doctor, she first said that my scans looked like everything was still stable...but they were going to send my scans to a panel of doctors just to make sure. Relief and what a blessing. Thank you for all of your sweet thoughts, messages and prayers. The next genetic Doctor sat in front of us and made small talk. She then said that I surprisingly didn't have any of the mutations. The tears flowed, my gasp of relief was audible. I looked at my love and he was just as relieved. The Doctor said that if I was to have tested positive that in actuality my babies would have had the cancer...my heart felt like it skipped a few beats. The room was silent. In my mind and heart I thought that God is good. He is aware of me. He loves you. He loves me. Life isn't always what we expect it to be. Life is hard, mixed with happy, sad, tragedy, triumph, pain, power, love...so much love. We have to find it, we have to be it. We all have hard things to deal with in life. The question I ask myself all of the time is How will I deal with it? How will I let this experience mold me? At times I have failed miserably. At times I have stumbled and have fallen...but there has always been good in the darkness, light when I felt like there was none to be found...yet I have chosen to get up...and I'm not stopping.

I've Gotta Be Me

Sometimes the best talks I have with my kids are when we are driving in the car. Tonight was the perfect example. My baby girl asked me if I was ever going to get better from being sick? This topic has come up several times over the years. We always are direct and frank with them. They are aware when "Mommy needs to rest" or "Mommy doesn't feel well" or "Mommy has a doctors appointment". I told her I had a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I think it was on her mind. Maybe they are too aware, but I want to be open with them...because Life is fragile. Life can change in a moment. second. breathe. I told her that yes, I wanted to get better, of course I want to get better. That is why mommy does what she does...because I want to Live. I have to believe that I will get better...but I live my life each day the best that I can. I work hard. I play hard. I live hard. This is me. I am me and I am happy. I told her all of these things and that that is how she needs to live her life. Do her best. Be her best, if you fall, you get back up and fight harder. Believe in yourself and be happy with being you. My brother made a cd and this song was on it. In fact, we were listening to it tonight when she was asking me these questions. I told her to listen to the words, feel them. Believe, don't merely survive. Be yourself. All will fall into place...it always does, and not always the way you think it will. Roll with it. Let life lift you.  It will work out. I've gotta believe.

Memories

I remember playing house and wanting to be a Momma since I was little. From the days of playing with my baby dolls, and house with my brother, sisters, and cousins. I remember dressing up in Grandmas clothes and jewelry, walking around the house in her heels with my sister and our nylons sagging down our legs, to our ankles. Wearing her clip on earrings, putting her red lipstick on and wigs! Dressing up in Grandpas Navy uniform, and pretending to be out to sea...oh the days of being a kid!
 I especially remember loving my little baby dolls, and carrying them around, they were my treasures! I had this one baby doll that when you would pull the string on the back of it, it would cry. I remember pulling on that string and doing my best to comfort my little dolly. I loved her. I guess my Momma knew that she was my greatest treasure...because one day I decided to take an orange crayon and draw all over my Mommas treasure, her rock wall fireplace. The story is that she scrubbed and scrubbed that and it never did come out. Oh, did I get in trouble for that one! Little did I know that karma would be coming back to me soon. Around Christmas time I couldn't find my sweet dolly, but I found her on Christmas day when we went to Grandmas house for breakfast. We were sitting in the front room and I remember opening this present. It was wrapped so nicely, and I ripped through that paper, so excited! When I opened the lid, I was devastated! My beloved dolly was in that box, and she had marker drawn all over her face, her hair was ratted, and she had a bandage around her arm and leg. She looked like she'd been to hell and back. Oh, there was a boom of laughter and I can still hear my Momma and the whole room laughing. I guess my Uncle took my baby doll to the Dr. to get fixed, because the pull string was fading and not working so well (and because I colored all over the rock wall). I picked up my sweet doll and pulled the string and she started a shaking. I dropped her to the floor and ran outta that room sobbing about my baby doll being "fixed" by Uncle Noel. Boy, I didn't like him very much that day, but I grew to love him again. I learned my lesson the hard way to respect my Mommas things and not draw on her treasures!
 I found her not to long ago in the same little box she was delivered to me all those years ago, bandaged and everything. Inside was a little poem written by my Momma. I opened it, read the poem and laughed and laughed about it. My kids wanted to know what was so funny and I got to share with them the memories I had when I was younger. I think they were a little creeped out by how the doll looked! I did pick my dolly out of the box and hugged her anyway...
I guess I've been feeling nostalgic as of late. Reminiscing of people, and experiences. I'm just really grateful for memories, good or bad...they remind me to feel. They let me laugh till my stomach hurts, or cry till I can't cry anymore. I get to remember all the living I've got to do and it warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I recognize that I am truly blessed. God has been good to me all these years.

Hope

I usually get my scans every 6 months...at least that's what it's been for the last few years. Since all of the issues I had in October I get to go in today. The 3rd month, 90 days, it's already here...arrived at my door. Surprising me among-st all that life has been offering us this little while. This past week we had an unexpected death in our family. A great man, mentor, father, husband, papa and friend. Our hearts have literally been broken. Literally into pieces. Amidst all of the emotions, and sadness we have felt hope. So powerful. So necessary. So understanding. So needed. Hope. Hope in the plan of salvation. Hope we will see him again. Hope in his love. Knowing that love does not break the bands of death. Hope in our God and in His Son. Hope that families are forever. Hope that there will be a new day for us to wake up too. Hope, it is fueling me now, teaching me, molding me...I've had to let it be my compass. I've found it in the darkness...and it has been found...over and over again. Not just from this sudden death in our lives, but from our many experiences in this life. Hope has been one of the many things that have anchored me in this journey. Many times, over and over again I've heard..."you shouldn't be here...you aren't supposed to have survived...you are dying."  I have chosen to hear you are living.  You're not a number. You are supposed to be here. I have hope...you can't take that away from me.  No one can take that away from me but myself...and I will not stop believing in Hope. Whatever this life throws at you or drops at your doorstep. Choose. You get to choose how you accept it. As I am preparing to walk outside soon. I have already chosen hope in my heart...and it has set me free.