Again

I've never figured out how many tests and scans I've had over the years. It seems like so many, more then my fingers and toes combined. I've asked hundreds, and thousands of times it seems for prayers, and to be honest. I have appreciated every.single.one.of.them. This is why I cannot deny that there is a greater power on this earth and above. Because, I have felt carried by love and angels, by others prayers and faith. Carried, even in my deepest of sorrows, that the heart cannot explain. I have been carried by strangers, loved ones, family, friends, and God. Carried...and thru it all, I ask again for your prayers. Because I am going in today for my 100th scan, to see my progress, to detect a change...to see where the cancer is, to see if it's grown, to see if it's not, to see where it's located, to see what I need to do, to see where my blood is...is it normal, is it not, is it good, to see why I am tired, to answer the question everyone has, has the cancer spread? Is it stable, is it active, is it dormant, is it, is it, is it...and the question I have is, please send a prayer. Thank you for helping me all of these years. It's one of the greatest gifts you've ever given to me...again, and again.

The Ride

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into my parents. I guess it's that I'm getting older, and realizing what I used to think was important way back when, is really not as important as I once thought. At times I've found myself saying things that my parents used to say to us as kids, and I'm like: What the hell? But, I end up saying it anyways...then laugh to myself. It's not that my parents were bad parents or anything...but some of the things they said to us drove me crazy! For instance: "Use your head for more then a hat rack." or, "Don't wear your emotions on your sleeve."  Or, "Money doesn't grow on trees!" Or, "I hope you have a kid like you someday!" Which, actually has come true! Karma has come back around, in a full circle. It's days like today that I'm really grateful for my parents. One, that they didn't give up on any of us kids. Two, that they taught us we could and can do hard things. Three, that even tho we aren't perfect, we all get along pretty well, and it's so nice to know we have each other. I recognize that I'm pretty blessed. Not only with parents who love me, but with brothers and sisters, and sister in laws, brother in laws...family. Family means more to me then the stars in the sky. It's nice knowing none of us are perfect. It's nice knowing we can lean on one another. It's nice knowing we turned out pretty good, even tho I'm not sure our parents thought we would when we were younger. It's nice knowing I can trust someone. It's nice knowing I can ask for help and one of them would be there. I'ts nice to have each other. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard, and the good again. The ride has been worth it, and I'm ok with turning into my parents, especially knowing we all have each other. It's been a hell of a ride, and I'm glad it's not over.

Journey of living

I think I would feel lost in this life and journey, with out believing in something greater then myself, greater then my experiences, greater then what I am taught, or what I understand. I honestly feel like we as human beings have a higher power that we can ask for help, for guidance, for light. We really may not all believe in the same things, and we may even disagree at times in our theories, beliefs, the way we choose to live our lives...but I feel like we are all connected by a greater power beyond anything we understand. I believe it is a Heavenly Father who loves us infinitely, another may believe in Mother earth as the divine, or the universe calling you one way or the other. No matter what one believes or chooses to believe, I have learned over these years that God is real, and He loves us, and it is okay to believe differently. I know that I have the power to find hope in each new day, or night as it comes to an end. If I feel defeated, I can find light in even the smallest things, in humans, in humanity. Not anything by my own doing, but in the light I was born with. The light we are all born with. I find myself as of late praying for peace, for peace in who I am, peace in raising our children, peace in each other, for peace in accepting. For remembering that everyone we see, or know has their own battles that they fight, to see past the outside and look into the heart...because really, that is what truly matters. It gives me comfort to know that this greater power, knows our hearts, and loves us all for who we are and who we are becoming on our journey of living. I cannot deny this.

Rain

I'm not going to lie, sometimes life and things that happen in life are so hard and difficult. Sometimes I feel so sad, lonely, and tired...for whatever reason it is, the way it is. Rain is a good reminder to me of the way life is at times. As I was walking outside with my kids one of them said to me; "It's been raining all day, and I've been looking for a rainbow every time I'm outside."  Way to bring it to my heart little one...I needed to hear that. It's so much better to Look for the bright, beautiful, and promising rainbow that comes each time it rains to the earth. To be reminded of the good, to look for the good, even if is just a rainbow for that day...that lifts you, that brings you up, that reminds you that even tho life can be hard, there is a rainbow that can be found, a light at the end of the tunnel. I still know there will be hard days, we all have them in our own ways, but for a moment, I was reminded of the simplicity of a loving child, and the rainbows that I already have...right in front of me. I cannot thank God enough for them.

Karma

This morning as I was asking several times, then raising my voice, then asking again for my kids to practice their piano. One of said children had a lot of attitude for me in return. Right then, I had a vivid memory pop into my mind. It was of my Mother standing at the top of our basement stairs, and I was at the bottom of them. We were arguing about me needing to practice my piano! I was hollering at her and she hollered back for me to get my behind upstairs and practice the dang piano! I think her words went something like this: "O.G. Ornery gut, get up here and practice your piano!!" According to my dad, I guess I had attitude as a kid and I was ornerier then hell. Over the years I really have tried to work on my disposition. I look at myself now as a pretty happy and positive person, which I'm happy about. I was a bit caught off guard by this memory, but it made me laugh. Even though my Momma died years ago...here I am, with my own children, acting just like her...and my baby was acting like me as a child. I talk about time a lot on here, but I am truly fascinated with it. It goes on, even after tragedy may strike, a loved one passes on, or heartache happens, it goes on. We go on...we adapt to life, and adapt to our situations...but some things seem to not change. We have our memories and our experiences to carry us thru this life. I'm so happy to find comfort and joy in this memory, and to be able to laugh about how karma has come back to me after all of these years.