All These Things That I've Done...

I received my last injection in the middle of November. I'm not going to lie, it was very difficult, I was so ill, and was having a hard time recuperating...to where I felt semi normal! While reflecting this past month or so I've realized that it had been one of the most difficult injections for some reason.  Maybe, so I could see more clearly the sweet things in this life.  I relied a lot on others, especially my family. What a gift they are to me. I would not be here if not for them...
I also had a reason to celebrate this month, it was my birthday! This year my sweet family went all out for me. They got tickets for Andy and I to go to The Killers concert, with some of my siblings and cousins! We were thrilled! That night we went to dinner and were having so much fun. Such excitement in the air. I was so happy to be with them. We finally arrived at the concert and I can honestly say that I had the time of my life. We had the time of our lives! We danced, sang, jumped, screamed...we probably looked like crazy people, yet amiss all of the excitement I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. This was where we were supposed to be at this moment. Sharing this experience with my family...I felt like God was telling me it was going to be alright...I was LIVING. I was HAPPY. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was. It was so nice to forget for the night that I was sick.  The song that was playing at the time was: "All These Things That I Have Done." Listen to it...feel the excitement...that is what it felt like that night! I heard this song the other day and teared up...I felt JOY, so many amazing memories. Such an amazing night, one that will never be forgotten, for many, many years.

Little Wonders...

Having cancer has opened my eyes...to what is really important in this life. It's like waking up, after being asleep for a very long time. A constant reminder of what wonders this life brings to us...like being woken up at night to comfort my baby, after a bad dream. Making ghost pancakes for Halloween, and seeing their happy faces, packing a lunch, and eating at school together, watching my kids dream, create, play. Receiving sweet notes and artwork from my little ones, long hugs, holding hands, watching the sunset, feeling the warmth of this earth, enjoying the stillness. When I sit back and think about what I've been given, I am in awe of the beauty of this world. Of the gift I am living everyday...of what really is important, and what I'm feeling in my heart.  At times I find myself closing my eyes, just to open them, and take it all in...over and over again. So many wonders...

Wishes for you

Do you know what's hard? Watching my son act out while I'm doing my treatment...because he doesn't know how to handle Mommy being sick...heart wrenching actually.  Tonight, I silently was talking to myself in my head, after a particularly difficult day..."I can't do this. I am so sick, I am so tired, this is so hard." As these thoughts were running through my head, my boy climbed into my lap. He was happy to have me hold him...just hold him. I prayed for strength, and that I don't mess up my kids lives, from being so ill, while they are young. I want them to have a happy and memorable childhood. I wish, I wish, I wish, that they didn't have to see me like this....but that won't take it away. It's now. It's time. I'm living it...and I will make it. And, I will hold my babies more, even if I am sick...and I will do it. My best. For them, for them, and for me. Even if it is hard. I will do it. I will live it. I will be. I can do hard things. A new sunrise will come tomorrow, it will be a fresh, clean day...and I will live it. I know I can.

Giving back

Justin and his sweet family


Justin with his siblings and Mom


We have been blessed beyond words these past 6 years. We have received an outpouring of  love, hope, prayers, and kindness. It is hard to express the gratitude we have felt many times in our hearts. Many, many times we weren't even aware of who has reached out...
A few years ago, in December, I was in the kitchen, and there was a loud knock at the door. It took me a minute to get there, but when I did open it there were boxes and boxes of food, gifts, money. I was in shock, just standing with the door wide open...tears of pure joy running down my cheeks. My sweet  neighbor stopped by at that moment and said: "Someone really, really loves you, and is watching out for you." I nodded in agreement.  Angels stopped by our home that day, and left a mark on my heart.
 I had gotten my scans. The news was not good, more tumors had grown, and others had gotten bigger. We were beside ourselves with what to do. I definitely didn't want to do chemotherapy again...we did not have the resources to do an alternative treatment we were wanting to do. With heavy hearts we turned to God, asking for some direction. The next day I went to go get our mail. On our front porch was a white envelope...inside was the exact amount I needed to complete my treatment. Was this a coincidence  No...again, so thankful.
Time, after time, after time experiences like this have happened to our family. We have been shown the pure love of Christ. I am so grateful that people have listened...have followed there hearts in helping human beings who are in need of help. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Andy and I have always talked about paying it forward. And, while it may not always be monetary, it will be in love...kindness, respect...a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, in being a friend...Right now, some friends of ours are in need. My brother in law Matt Hargreaves has a brother named Justin. A few years ago, he survived a stroke, which led to an  anuerysm. He is now in a motorized wheelchair, and his left side is paralyzed. He has a sweet wife and daughter to take care of. He is blessed to be alive. He cannot drive, they have a used van with a lift. It has broken down several times, and is not working at this time. The Hargreaves family are having a silent auction, and a yard sale to raise money for their brother and his family.  To be able to buy a more reliable van, with a proper lift, and help their family regain some of their independence. If you are interested in helping the Hargreaves family in any way, please read his story here: http://getjustinontheroadagain.blogspot.com/, they are accepting items to sell at the yard sale, and any auction items you might be willing to give or you can donate directly through PayPal by following the link. They will be having the sale on Saturday, October 20, 2012 in Salt Lake City, Utah. If anything, please come out to support this great cause, if you have a moment.
I cannot tell you how good it feels to give. To have the blessing to pay it forward in some small way. I hope we can take the time to look around us and see who may need our help. Stop for a moment, in our busy and rushed day to help. Honestly, the kindness of others to our family has changed us for the better.  We can all make such a huge difference in this life. What an amazing gift we have been given...in giving back.

A tender mercy

I'm crying this morning, alone...while making my green smoothie, and doing my morning jobs.  Many tears falling... Sometimes it just hits me.  I'm thinking of Noahs birthday, and if I will be getting my injection at that time, how I can work my schedule out so it doesn't effect his special day. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...special times, moments with family. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not have to think of Cancer.  To not live it everyday. But, this is how it is for this moment in my life...and it gets better each day.  So much better then it was in the beginning. God has made this burden feel light many times. A moment passes, and my baby girl has woken up from her dreams. I wipe my tears and she gives me her morning hugs. Without her knowing, she has made my day so much better, a tender mercy. xo

Hope

My dear friend Sheila sent this to me one day...reading it gave me strength.  So simple, yet so profound. May we always have Hope in this Life...may we never lose sight of what warms our hearts. xo

Emily Dickinson (1830–86).  Complete Poems.  1924.

Part One: Life XXXII

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

The Farm

Some of my earliest memories are from being on the farm. http://www.mcmullinorchards.com  My first job was putting plastic lids on the 25lb buckets of tart cherries, after the sugar was poured in. I was about five years old. I had a stool to sit on, and the guys around me had mallets to pound the lids down. I remember talking, and laughing...passing "my job" off to someone else, while I'd run off getting into mischief. In fact, I did that so much after a few warnings from my Daddy, he'd had it with me. He caught me in the act, and my Momma was standing behind me. He said; "Sarah, you're fired!" I was crushed, and tears started streaming down my face. I'm sure my parents were trying hard not to laugh, but I thought the world was over. My Momma got me into our brown, wood paneled station wagon and I cried the whole way home. The next day when my brother and sister got up to go to the farm...I didn't get to go. I had to learn a lesson. That lasted for a few days, and after much begging, and pleading from me, I was given my job back. After sitting on my familiar blue stool, and holding my plastic lids...I didn't get off of that seat unless I was told to get off. The only thing I did was take a lick of sugar when no one was looking...and boy was it sweet!
Throughout the years I got to do all sorts of jobs with my Dad, Aunts, and Uncles, brothers, sisters, and cousins. We cleaned bins, made brine, organized the tool room, swept the breezeway, burned the trash, made lids, sorted cherries, peaches, pears, nectarines, made boxes, cleaned every machine ever known to man that's on a farm, drove forklifts, tractors, shakers, big trucks, planted trees, pruned trees, picked up branches, watched things grow. While we were working on the farm, I was growing, and learning so much. Did I complain that I didn't get to go to all of girls camp? Or that I had to work on the 4th of July? Ya, I did, but you know what? I look back now, and I don't have any regrets...I am only grateful and happy that I was blessed to grow up working...I'm the lucky one.
One of my favorite times of year at the farm is when the fruit comes on. This year I was thrilled that I was well enough to work during the tart cherries. My sisters and I split a day shift. I'd try to work every other day if I felt well enough. If I wasn't able to my sister Bonnie, or Candi would come in for me. I cannot tell you how nice it was to work on the farm. The first day we started, I walked thru those doors, and I was home. the smell was so familiar, the tart cherry line, the people... I was home. I shed a few tears that day, and a few more after. So, so happy to be there, so grateful to work hard, to look upon the beautiful fruit my Dad,  his brothers and sisters worked so hard to cultivate. It's really an amazing thing to be apart of everything working, and coming together. It also brought me back to my Grandpa Mac checking my bucket of cherries, to see what kind of fruit I was sorting, Dennis taking my lunch, and getting to go into town for a burger and fries at Melts, driving the forklift so fast and running thru a huge garage door with it, & Grandpa Mac telling me I was driving like a "bat out of hell" and to slow down!  Rolling my sleeves up while making brine in the hot sun, singing and dancing to Madonna with my sister while making lids in the brine building...only making 10 in one day! I remember my Dad saying; "What? You only made 10 lids? What have you been doing all day?" What could we have said? We were making up dances to Madonna? He just let it go...It brought me back to the first time I got to sell at the Spanish Fork Farmers Market. I was barely 15, driving the blue van, with my sister Katie in the passenger seat. Hauling fresh fruit and setting it up on the library lawn...22 years later I'm still selling fruit, at that same market for my Dad, his brothers, and sisters. I look forward to it every year. I love it. I love the people. I love the relationships I've built. I love working side by side with my family. I've been given a gift...my heart is so full of love for this huge blessing I've been given...I'm so happy I was able to grow up on the farm.. it sure feels good to come home.

Oxygen

I close my eyes, but sleep doesn't come. My mind continues to race, around, and around. I am so tired, so very tired. My body aches, my oxygen machine in the next room, is helping me take full breaths, it reminds me of a heartbeat. pumping. I have to slow down, for a time. I have to ask for help from others, even though I'm used  to doing things myself...I can't.  Everywhere I go in this house, this machine follows me (or I follow it)...for 3 days. 72 hours. At times I catch myself counting down the minutes, till I am free...but I remind myself, it is only for a moment. I've realized, that I need people. I need help.  I am humbled each time, brought down to my knees...giving thanks to God. Really.  For all of the amazing gifts I've been given. For the kindness of family, friends, and strangers. Is this hard? Extremely. Is it worth it? Yes.Would I do it again? Yes. Anything to live. Anything. This life is so worth living. Do you know what I look forward to doing soon?  Walking outside, and taking a breathe of fresh air...on my own.

I Know.

I know God lives. I know He is real. There have been times in my life where I know He, and His son Jesus Christ have carried me thru...to brighter days, and has given me an amazing amount of love.  Helped me feel important, cared for, given me hope in dark moments, led me to the light. I am so grateful for this. I know that families are forever. I know that I can be with my family if I live righteously on this earth. I want to be. I am so grateful for my two beautiful babies. They are a gift.  My treasures here on this earth. I am grateful for my husband, he is my rock, he is my Knight in shining armor. I am so very blessed. I am grateful for this life I've been given. I am grateful for each moment, each breathe, for this time I have to live. I am so very grateful to my brother Jesus Christ, for making the ultimate sacrifice for me, that I am able to be here on this earth, and be able to return back to Heavenly Father. I am grateful that I know these things are true. God lives. He is real. He loves us all. My life is so much better with Him in it. I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sundays

I love Sundays. We get up late.  Stay in our pj’s.  I make a big breakfast.  Today I made waffles. The kids were thrilled and while we were eating (I was slurping down my shake) Ella announced that she was on a “special diet.” She said she could only eat certain foods, and only drank water. I asked: “Oh, really?” A few moments passed and she said:  “I have Cancer just like Mommy!”  My heart stopped.  What seemed like 5 minutes, was only a few seconds…Daddy said to never say that again, and that the conversation was over…but it wasn’t for me.  I told her that Mommy wanted to be healthy, so that is why I ate the things that I did…it wasn’t fun to have Cancer.  It reminded me when I was a kid, and I wanted to be just like my Momma.  I followed her around, and wanted to go everywhere she went. I mimicked her every move.  The thought had never occurred to me that my Ella wanted to be just like me in every sense.

I I

Tonight while I was tucking her into bed, she asked me if I was doing a treatment.  I told her yes, and explained what I was doing. Her tiny face scrunched up like she was going to cry, her lip trembled...she said "Momma, when you get better from this Cancer, will you be able to stop wearing your oxygen?" I told her "Yes, yes I will." She was trying to be brave...I told her to cry, just let it all out...she put her head in my lap and cried. I wept with her. My dear sweet little baby girl, oh how I love you so. I cradled her in my arms and rocked her like a baby, holding her close, singing her lullabies, tracing her face with my fingers, in awe of how much she has grown since she was just a babe.  We helped comfort each other.  A few minutes passed, and soon she was talking about the tooth fairy, and she wondered out loud what the color of her hair was? I laid her down, gave her kisses, and hugs, wished her sweet dreams, and left...my heart still aching. I have so many hopes and dreams for her, for us...It will all be okay sweet girl, it will all be okay. I promise. xo

Gramps

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can hear him saying "Honey, it will  be okay, it will all work out...keep your chin up!"  Today I really miss that man, my Gramps.  He was spectacular in every sense, honest, plain spoken, said it like he saw it. He knew how to shoot the breeze, with the best of em,  you couldn't bull shit him around, and he sure as hell wouldn't let you! He was direct and to the point, stubborn!  He served in the war, the Navy, he was proud.  I called him many times and thanked him for his service, for Grandmas as well. While he was in the Service, my Grandma went on a mission to Illinois, Gramps paid for her mission...they were both serving in some way. I loved hearing those stories. He worked from dawn to dusk, missed dinner a thousand times...kept going, until he wasn't able to. Never giving up. Never. He was humble...I remember hearing him pray, it was like God was sitting right in front of him, hearing that changed the way I looked at prayer, and I am thankful. He lived for his kids, and grandkids. He worked so hard for all of us, sacrificed so much on our behalf...we never even knew how much, until he was gone. I miss him so much.  Sometimes I feel his prescence near, and I hear his voice....this is what I can hear him saying:

"How you doin honey?" "I'm good Gramps!" "How's Andy doin?" "He's good." "You're not treating him bad are you?" "No, I'm not!" "Well, you've got a temper...it's in your blood!" "I know Gramps, I get it from you!" (laughing on his end) "I hope you're not putting nails in your matrimonial coffin!  Every time you say something mean, or hurtful....or do something that isn't nice, you are putting another nail in that matrimonial coffin!" "I know, I know! I'm not being mean, I promise!" "Well, I want you to think about that for a while...I remember Momma making dinner for me so many times and not showing up till late, and not giving her flowers on a special day...and when she was gone, it was to late.  I'm trying to make up for it now. I take flowers to her grave all of the time, and try to live better...so I can be with her again." (I'd be crying, like I am now) "I love you Gramps!" "I love you to honey."

We probably had that conversation a hundred plus times...he was always worried about my Andy. He always said I picked a good one! He liked that boy! Oh, how I love him...He wasn't ever one for attention, didn't like all of the fuss.  He would quietly serve in his own way. Whether it was helping out a neighbor with car problems, giving away boxes and boxes of his beautiful tomatoes he would grow every year to anyone.  I remember sitting at his kitchen table, and him and Grandma were talking about taking a bunch of food to a family in need...and they did, and she wasn't even home to thank them. That's just how they worked. I miss the visits to Chuck a Rama, he knew what was on the menu every night...I think "White Fish Friday", was his favorite night. Andy and I would chuckle because he would put about 2 inches of tartar sauce on top of the fish...I'd ask him if he could even taste the fish? He looked up from cutting it long enough to call me a smart ass! I'd call him up during the week and ask if he wanted to go out on a particular day...he would say he had to think about it and see if he got a better offer! He would turn almost everyone down for a chance to go to my Aunt Sylvias house! She would play "Oh My Father", on the piano for him...over, and over again.  He would sit in a side chair, and I'd kneel next to it, and put my head next to him. He would rub my head, tell me he loved me...I knew he did, and that's what mattered...and it still matters.  Before he died, we got to talk to him.  It was so special, he bore his testimony of his beliefs. (lds.org)  He asked that we never stop believing...

With many tears shed, I told him it was Cancer that I had, and I had started treatments, and I was scared.  He said; "Honey, it will be okay, it will all work out..."  And, I knew it would be okay, and it is.

I'm just so lucky that I got to know my Gramps, that I know that he loves me, that I'm able to feel him around every so often and I embrace those moments...that I have so many amazing and funny memories of him. Thank you Gramps, my life will never be the same because of you!

Penelope's Pad: Guest Story: Dandelions

 My sweet friend Chelsey asked if I'd write a guest post for her blog! I was surprised and honored. She is an amazing Momma, and a great gal! I hope you enjoy it! Much love to you on this beautiful day!  Sarah, xoxo.
Penelope's Pad: Guest Story: Dandelions

Write It Down...

4 years ago, I had a desire to start a little journal for my kids. I was pregnant with my second, and was unsure of what the future would hold for me. I wanted to have something the kids and my husband could read in the future... I wanted them to remember the things that I saw, felt, thought were funny, cried about.  Little things I wish I could ask my Momma about. These are a few of the things I've written over the years. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. xo
PS: Mullets are hilarious...

2007: I walked into the front room and saw Ella giving Jesus a drink from her sippy cup. (It was a ceramic figurine of him kneeling) It was so sweet, she said he was "thirsty".
2008: I asked Ella what she was looking at 2 different times, she said: "An angel and a dog". We think it was Andys brother that died of Leukemia when he was a kid, and their dog Buffy that had passed as well.
2009: I was reading a book about Jesus to Ella.  She said; "Mom, why does Jesus have marks on his hands and feet? I don't like bad guys all of the time." I started to cry, because of her pure heart, and the picture we were looking at did not have any marks that you could see on his feet or hands...
* One day I tapped Ella on her shoulder.  I asked her, "who tapped it?"  She said "Jesus"! I laughed aloud!
* Ella and her cousin Jackson were playing together, I heard her tell him; "You're my best friend!" They still are today.
* Today Ella said she wanted to wear "Brown" like "Nephi!"
* I asked Ella if she needed a napkin at dinner, she said: "I don't need a napkin, I have a long mouth like Daddy!"
2010: I'm so happy I have Noah to help me go to the bathroom...he is always there to flush it for me when I'm finished! What would I do without him?
* Today Ella told me I had a big bum, because I didn't need to hold onto the toilet with my hands!
* Noah loves Ellas hair! He pulls it every chance he can get, he is mesmerized by it! We don't know how to stop him...he loves teasing and irritating her!
* I was helping Ella get dressed, the shirt she was wearing was to long so I tucked it in. She looked at it and said: "I look like a Grandpa!", and un-tucked the shirt!
* Ella told me we should make a vegetable cake for my Birthday!
*  One day Bonnie and I were downstairs and we saw Noah holding onto the railing while walking down the stairs! We were both shocked! He never crawled down the stairs again, only walked. He is so eager, and quick to learn.
* Ella told me she wanted a pillow pet for Christmas. She said they were machine washable, and I could get them on pillowpets.com! Just like the commercial!
2011: The kids were playing in the pool, Noah kept splashing Ella. She kept saying: ETR, ETR! I finally figured out she was saying CTR!
* When getting ready to go outside and play in the snow, Noah kept asking me to put on his "glubs", for gloves! He still says it that way! I just can't correct him, it's to cute!
* Ella started asking when her Birthday would be...keep in mind this was the day after she had her Birthday party! She has asked me about a thousand times since then!
2012: Ella told us at breakfast one morning that she was on a "special" diet...a moment later she said: "I have cancer like Mommy." My heart broke...IamgettingbetterElla.I.Love.You.
* Noah's new saying to everything is: "Easy peazy lemon squeezy!"
* Noah told me he could still speak "baby anguage" (launguage).
* Ella wondered why she only got $1 from the tooth fairy, and not 5 nickels and a quarter like her cousin Jackson?
* Ella came up to me today and told me she had a special surprise to show me. She made my bed, her brothers, and hers! It was so sweet!

Worth it...

Tonight I was lucky...I had a house full of kids. Oh, they were wild, but were having so much fun. They played hard, running, jumping, skipping, riding bikes, trying to talk louder then the person talking at the time, imagining. At dinner, everyone wanted to say the prayer...I mean every kid. I picked a number and whispered it in Andys ear. Each kid took a guess, the number was picked, and he was SO happy to pray.  And, I was happy. After dinner and clean up, more play. Upstairs, downstairs, backyard, the garage, they were running past me. I really don't think kids walk very much...mine seem to run everywhere they go! So many places to be, and things to do. Tonight I had Bat Man at my house, Spider Man, Thor, and several Princesses. I watched sword fighting, monsters fighting, baby kittens meowing, and best friends playing. I witnessed sharing, trading of treats, bargaining of toys, yelling, occasional bickering, and then making up.  All of this was accompanied by the Scooby Doo music playing in the background, from a movie that seemed to be getting louder each moment. I wiped faces, gave out snacks, (even as early as 20 minutes after dinner!) held hands to go up stairs, kissed cheeks, held a sweet baby and rocked him in my arms, picked up toys, sang a lullaby...and, I was happy...and it was chaotic, and I was tired at the end of the night, but I was living, and I am so happy to do it. It's totally worth every second. I can't wait until next time...

Sweet Whispers

My sister always teases me about the way I put my kids to bed. She thinks it takes FOREVER! I on the other hand, LOVE our bed time routine. We get in our pj's (me included) and pick out an outfit for the next day. This helps the kids get dressed quicker in the morning. Brush our teeth, etc. We meet in my baby girls room...and we each take a turn telling each other our "favorite" part of the day.  It's so fun to hear what the kids come up with...seeing Daddy come home, playing with friends, being outside, being together. We get to share one thing, but it usually ends up being many, many things. Scriptures are read, prayers are said, and it's time to be tucked in. I take my baby boy into his room, and he snuggles up with his "baby". It is a little white lamb, named lambie (which is permanently gray, and has been washed a thousand times...to no avail)! I sing him a couple of lullabies, and rub his back. He holds my hand. I tell him I love him, give him many kisses, and say goodnight. I then walk into my baby girls room, she snuggles with her "baby", which ironically is a lamb as well, but is still the same color it was when we got it years ago! There are such big differences between boys and girls! We talk about her day, then she asks me to sing her lullabies. She tells me she just CAN'T go to sleep without her lullabies! I kiss her a thousand times and say goodnight till morning...They fall asleep.
During the next few hours, before I go to bed.  I check on them 5 or 6 times, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and peek in on them to! What am I doing? I kiss their sweet cheeks, cradle their faces..., put their heads back on their pillows, adjust their blankets, watch them dream. When I tip toe in I whisper in their ears "You are special, I love you, You are beautiful, You are my princess, You are my prince, Tomorrow will be a good day, You are a good boy, good girl, I love you, I'm so happy you're my baby, (My daughter asks me if she will still be my baby when she is old like me, I tell her yes, of course!)  I pray for them to have good dreams, and pray they will remember the things I'm telling them., because they are true! That they will know they are special, and adored...that their Momma loves them so much.  As I watch them sleep, I know that I am the luckiest Momma alive. xo

Angels

I believe in angels. I know I have many of them surrounding me...some who have passed on from this life, and others who are living. At times I find myself crying out to Heaven, sharing my soul, my thoughts, my hopes...my dreams. Of living. Of dying. Of my children, and husband. No matter what "issue" or predicament I find myself in things always seem to work out...and I think it's because of my angels.
It's as simple as my sweet sister coming over... she brought a snow cone machine. The kids played, and ate a lot of cones. Sweet laughter was heard, sunshine soaked in, and pitter patter of little feet all around. Weeds were pulled in the back yard, trees were clipped. Love was shown. Love was felt.
My dear Aunt came to my door. She was a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen. My children adore her, they call her "Grandma". She is busy, she has her own life and family, but she came anyway. So she could love on my babies, and take them on an adventure...and they talk about it for days, and I am so grateful. My heart is full. My spirit is full.
We can all help each other. We can all be someones "angel." A kind word, a smile, mowing someones lawn, taking the time to just help. Bring a neighbors garbage in, a phone call, a prayer. I am so very grateful for the angels in my life. Grateful for the love we have been shown, for the tender mercies we have been given. Most of all I am grateful for my dear Heavenly Father who is mindful of me, and all of us. This knowledge is a gift...and I am so happy. xo

"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing...We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service, because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right, to bear us up. And He always keeps His word." —Henry B. Eyring

The Treasure Box

I asked my niece to write a blog post:

I like to think that I am a typical “teenager”. I go to school five days a week, try as hard as I can to party with friends on the weekends, and drag myself out of bed to go to church Sunday morning. I enjoy playing basketball, rocking out on the piano, and reading the newest fiction novel. I try to listen to all the “new” music and keep up with the style trends. I have two wonderful parents who love me no matter what. I enjoy being the oldest of 4 kids. I have had a very blessed life. There are no great trials that I could tell you that have dramatically changed my life. However, I have an aunt, that even when suffering through all her trials would drop everything and run to help me through mine. This is a blessing that not every person has the opportunity to have. As a young child Sarah played with me endlessly! On one particular “play date” of ours Sarah brought me a little orange box. Nothing really fancy this box was, but I loved (and still love) this little orange box. Sarah then told me that this box was meant to hold my “special treasures”. So she helped me scrawl the word treasures into the top of the box. This box of my “treasures” sits in my bedroom to this day. As I was thinking back on all the rocks and leaves that I shoved into this little box I began to think of all the real treasure that Sarah has given me. We went to Color Me Mine on a regular basis, swam in the kiddie pool together, danced on the driveway in the rain, ate all the candy out of her purse right before dinner, picked dandelions and turned our skin yellow, played in the sprinklers, had birthday parties, and always laughed no matter what! These are my treasures that I will NEVER forget. I look forward to every day I get to spend with her making new treasures to store in my box. Life is full of trials, times will get tough, and often times you may want to quit. When you feel this way think of your little box of treasures and times won’t seem quite so hard. I love Sarah to the moon and back, she has been a great influence on the decisions I have made in my life. I hope that we will continue to make treasures to store in this small, but extremely important, box of treasures.

Superhero

I asked my sister to write a post for me today, here it is:


I have a three year old boy. He is obsessed with Batman…and Spiderman…and Superman.. and any superhero really. He gets dressed up in his little Batman or Spiderman costume pretty much every day. I think Batman is his favorite. He has a Batman mask that he insists on wearing, even during his naps. He tells me to feel his muscles and to look how strong he is and that he is shooting webs at the bad guys. He tells me that he will “save” me from whatever enemy he is battling that day. For him when he puts on that costume and that mask he is transformed. He can do anything- protect, save, shoot lasers from his arm and get those bad guys.

A few days ago my sister asked me if I would give her a shot. An injection for her cancer treatment. I said no- that I could not do it. I hate needles. I even make my husband take the kids to the doctor when they have to get shots while I stay at home. Then I started thinking it over. Sarah is in a tight spot. Her husband is working and can’t give her the injection. She needs it done, but can’t give it to herself. After telling her several times that I really did not want to do it- I finally said I would- but I didn’t want to- and I wanted her to know it!

I was dreading the shot. But today was the day. I got my boys ready and went to Sarah’s house, the youngest in his Batman costume. When we arrived Sarah asked how he fits into his car seat with so many muscles…I do manage to squish him in. I said to Sarah “Let’s do this!” We put a show on for the boys downstairs- no distractions. Sarah got the shot ready. We turned on some music. It was time. As I sat with the needle, looking at my sister, tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to do it. In that moment I was quiet and crying and Sarah was probably thinking- get on with it already! I thought of Sarah and all of the millions of things that she really did not want to do- but she did them anyway. She didn’t want to have cancer. She didn’t want to have Chemo. She didn’t want to be sick. She didn’t want her kids to see her sick. She didn’t want to get the shot. But somehow she has managed. Somehow she has faced her worst nightmare with dignity and grace. I thought about my son and his Batman costume and I said to myself- I can do this. I did it. I stuck the needle in and slowly pressed the medicine into my sister’s body. I did something for her that she could not do for herself. I put on my own Batman mask today. Sarah is the true superhero.

hard things

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes the challenges I am called to bare in this life are difficult...and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. Some days it is hard to keep going, but I do. I've learned that I can do hard things. We all can. No matter what your trial may be...death, illness, infertility, loneliness...we can do it. We just keep going. One foot in front of the other, many a nights on your knees in prayer. I know God hears us. He knows us. He helps us. We are not alone. He knows we can do hard things...and I know to.

I promise

I promise I'm not very different from you...I'm a Momma. I get up early to get the kids ready for school. I take care of my home. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, playing with the kids. Sweeping the floor a thousand times a day, after each meal, snack, and then another snack. I run the kids around with me wherever I go. We go grocery shopping and pick up an ice cream cone at Maceys (so I don't go completely crazy while shopping). We have play dates with other Mommas, and chat about our babies, our husbands, our lives...while our kids run wild. I'm really not to different. Please don't treat me different just because I have Cancer. The big "C" word... Don't get me wrong. I am better because of it. It has refined me as a person, my spirit, my life, and continues to do so. I am so blessed...Sometimes it takes difficult experiences in life to really "open" your eyes to what you have right in front of you...to help you change. That's how it has worked out for me. But really. I have good days like you, and bad days to. Hell, I cry when I'm happy and I cry when I'm sad. I cry because I'm in love...why hold it all in is my motto! I promise I'm not very different from you. I have a lot to talk about other then Cancer. Give me a chance and I'll talk your ear off! My name is Sarah. I am a child of God...it is so nice meeting you. xo

My Hero

I've got a Hero. I am the luckiest girl alive to have him in my life. I look up to him so much. I know I can call him at anytime and he will make time for me. He always has good advice to give...even if I may not want to hear it, he still gives it! I know he has my best interest in mind, as well as others. He taught me how to live, by living a good life. He taught me how to work, by teaching me. He instilled in me a desire to seek for good things, to be the best I can be, to serve and help others. To work hard and to play hard. When times are tough, to remember the many blessings I have. To look at the good things this life has for us. To be proud of our beautiful country. To be grateful for the freedoms we have. He has made me feel important, and special. When I was a kid, he comforted me when I had a bad dream, gave me a blessing when I had my first day of school, trusted me. Took us kids to work with him, and put up with our shenanigans. He had Faith in me, when I had none. He trusted me, and supports my decisions. He never gave up, even when life was difficult for him. My hero is my Dad. I hope everyone has someone to look up to, like I've been blessed to have. Seriously. Where would I be without him? I thank Heavenly Father for him everyday. I hope I can be more like him. I love you Dad, to the moon and back. Thank you for everything. xoxo

No matter what

The other night, after the babies were in bed, Andy and I were up talking. It was one of those talks we have had a thousand times. "What are we going to do? What are our options? What treatments can we do?" We expressed our concerns...at one point I broke down and started crying. I just want to get better I said. I am so tired...I want to live. Andy said he knew. He wanted all of the same things I did.
After a bit Andy said, "We already know Sarah, no matter what we won't give up. No matter what happens we will keep going, no matter what, we will move forward. We will do our best. We will keep going even if it is hard...We will keep going." My tears flowed freely, and I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude for this man. Who had such great faith in me, in us...in God. When times are difficult he reminds me of what we have...No matter what we will never give up. No matter what.

We all look like we feel...

I talk a lot about the little things that go on in my life...but after having cancer my eyes and heart have been opened to so much more that life has to offer me...
While listening to music as I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes. A song came on by Dashboard Confessionals: Stolen. My beautiful little boy came up to me bouncing up and down saying "dance with me Mommy, dance with me". For one second I thought that I "should" finish cleaning the kitchen...but I looked into his eyes and threw the towel on the counter. We held hands and he was jumping up and down (he gets his moves from his Momma) all the while giggling and so happy, his laughter was contagious! My baby girl came over and wanted to join in. She actually was listening to the lyrics and said; "Did he really steal her heart?" I explained to her that he loved her so very much that she had "stolen" his heart...not literally, but he had given his heart to her, and no one else. The thought came to me: These sweet little babies of mine and the man of my dreams have stolen my heart. I am theirs forever, and ever, and they are mine...nothing can break that bond. Nothing...It was so nice to just "forget" for a moment, and "be" with my babies dancing the morning away... I am so blessed to be in love. It is a beautiful thing.