Intertwined

As I have reflected on my life the last few weeks I have been reminded time and time again that we are all intertwined. I have thoroughly enjoyed the season that my life is in right now...especially after the roller coaster of October. I am so grateful that I have been able to enjoy the holidays with my family, and surrounded by those that I love. I've been surprised, uplifted, and purposefully chosen to make memories with the time I've been given. I've felt so much love...an outpouring of love, really. It is so strong that I cannot deny that there is a God. I know He is real. I know He lives.  He is all around us. He is in your thoughts when you think of another, He is in the way you care for your child. He is aware of you and may send someone to your front door when you are in need. He is in the beauty of our earth, the sunshine, rain, snow, light, darkness, sorrow, pain. I have been enlightened by His love...by your love. He is in you. Thank you. Thank you for that phone call, for that smile, that visit, that surprise party, for your thoughtfulness, for putting me in my place, for listening, giving, for just being. Thank you for reminding me that life is good, even when it is hard. That people are good. That God is good. I have truly been blessed. I am aware of the grace that surrounds me. I am grateful my heart is beating. I am alive.

What a ride

It has been quite the ride the last few weeks...difficult, but beautiful. This last week we were able to meet up with an educated Doctor up at the Huntsman, who took the time to review my case and history to give us a second opinion.  Who took my many scans, and labs, and, and, and in front of a panel of Doctors to discuss my body. I received a call back from her this week with good news. They determined it was not in my bone, nor in the marrow. How is this so different from the last radiologist? You have a rare type of cancer that is hard to detect to someone not familiar with my case. My cause. My life. But, you have a mass in your pelvis...and we will monitor it...and you will come back soon...and we will see what happens...In all of this of course you know by now the tears are falling. I praise my God, for He has shown mercy on me. For there is light even in darkness. For there is good even in the bad. These past few weeks many wonderful people whom I love have reached out to us. Sending good thoughts, prayers, uplifting me. Guiding me on this journey in love and kindness. The only way I can explain this feeling is that I have been sustained. Sustained. This feeling has nourished my soul, empowered me, lifted me up. Gratitude has filled my heart a thousand times over. Gratitude.  It has made me ponder the power of many, how we can help each other.  Love lifted up in unison...to a higher power. How it can change a person. How it is changing me...and I am thankful.  I am thankful for this life I have been given to live. I am thankful that I can taste the bitter to know the sweet. I am thankful that having Cancer makes me see life clearer. I am thankful for each moment...the good and the bad, because it is helping me grow. What a ride it's been, what a ride it is. What a ride it will be and I'm sure as hell happy to be on it.

I will Live

Today I received the results back from my 6 months scans. I don't know what I was expecting to hear, just hoping for good news. I have been surprised with how much peace I have felt over the last few days. Getting scans are so hard, and the waiting game is usually more difficult. I have most likely cried a thousand tears today, and I'm sure I have a thousand more that will come. Things are looking better in my Liver and abdomen, for this I am in awe and so grateful. They are seeing some shrinkage in both of them. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard my Doctor say that to me, but there was more to come. It was my pelvis, irregular bone marrow, probably metastatic disease...Irregularity in the peritoneal coverings...in my bones. What does that even mean?? What are you trying to tell me? I asked again. The cancer has spread to your bone marrow in your pelvis. Silence. Shock. Amidst all of that I felt a form of peace. This same peace I had felt when I knelt in prayer before my God pouring out my heart to Him. I know He knows my heart and what I desire in this life. I know He heard me. I told Him not my will but His, and whatever the outcome I would do what needs to be done. I will fight. I will live to see my babies grow up. I will. I will keep going even when it is hard. I will not give up. I will not let this cancer beat me. I am stronger then this cancer. Of course a part of me is heartbroken, of course. Of course I thought of my sweet babies, and my heart hurt. They make me stronger. They make me want to hold on tighter. Cancer can't take that away from me. I will continue to live. I will live harder, love harder, hold longer, forgive easier, smile more, be more, do more, listen more, give more. I will keep going no matter the cost. I have been so blessed. God has given me 9 beautiful and heartbreaking years to watch my babies grow...to be with my husband, my soul mate. Cancer can't take that away from me. I can only hope and fight for more. I will not be afraid, for my God is on my side. He is aware of me. He is aware of you...a tear drops from my face... I let go and soar.......

Almost there

Sometimes I can't breathe.  Literally. My mind, heart and soul. I am so tired and the tears fall down my cheeks. I think about running away, just leaving everything. I mean do you think I'd be able to take a vacation from cancer? From reality? Sometimes it is hard to face what is before us.  I try so hard each day to live life to the fullest. I'm calculated with my time. I think about it everyday. I hold a lot in. I mean, I can just feel myself pushing everything down inside at times...my throat is so tight and my tears are on the surface, ready to explode...most times that is where they stay, is inside. This past week they overflowed, and I cried and was sad, and felt lost, alone and broken. Broken from the heaviness of terminal. Broken from finding a new treatment path. Broken with my reality. I just couldn't get out of the damn, dark hole. I just couldn't find the light. Yet somehow over the last few days I've been able to see and feel better. I received a note from an old friend, was able to visit with my sisters, I felt loved...better yet, I let myself feel loved. I was reminded of my sweet blessings and the treasures that I do have from my sweet kids who can just sense when I need a little extra help. Who hugged me a little longer, and gave so much love. Then my sister said something to me and it clicked...it just clicked. It's ok for me to let myself feel these things once in a while...but it's more important to not let it get in my way of living. Feel it, then be done with it, get up and get going...so here it is. Here I am. I'm going...I'm almost there.

Privilege

I have caught myself telling my kids many times that the experiences that they have had in this life and the things that they get to do at their young age is a privilege. In fact, I explained the word to them at the beginning of the Summer...when they were given the opportunity to help on the farm, and help in our home. We are very blessed in this life and they have had many opportunities with being able to work hard and play hard. As I have reflected today about sending my beautiful babies to school...my heart has swelled a little and I heard in my mind and felt in my heart that I in fact have been the one who has been privileged to raise them. It has been a privilege for me to be their Momma, to watch them grow and learn. There is no place I'd rather be.  No name I'd rather be called by.  What a hard and beautiful thing it is to watch them fall, and wipe away their tears. To see them get back up. I am in awe of their strength and abilities. It has been a blessing to learn from them. They teach me everyday. I am so happy and my life is better with my sweet babies. I have held them a little tighter tonight...knowing in a blink of an eye a year will have gone by, then 5 and 10 and someday, I'm sure I will wonder where the time has gone?  I am enjoying each moment. Time is ticking and I recognize and am grateful that I have been given the privilege of being on this ride. There is no place I'd rather be then right now. Here. Living.

A full heart

I feel so blessed. Even when life is difficult at times...I am blessed. Tonight was simple, and we got to spend the evening with my sisters family. We picked raspberries and my sister made the kids delicious shakes! We visited on the porch in the cool evening, and the kids ran wild and played until the sun went down. We came home tired, but full...full of love, life, happiness and appreciation for the simple things of this life. I am thankful for today...for the messes that I helped my kids pick up, for the time I spent with my sweet sister, for the love I felt when I watched my kids play, for the admiration I felt towards my soul mate. I am thankful I could feel...all of these things. That I could experience these small and simple moments. My heart feels full tonight of gratitude to God for all He has blessed me with. I feel that He is keenly aware of me and knows me. I'm so thankful to have a full heart...and know I am blessed to live another day.

Choose Happy

I remember when I was first diagnosed with Cancer, Andy and I didn't want to know the statistics, we didn't want to know the survival rate, we didn't want to know our chances. We didn't want any of that in front of us. We decided together we would find the good and fight like hell no matter what came our way. Oh, it was hard, so hard. It still is hard at times...but it has been worth it. I did find out a few years later after doing the chemotherapy that my doctors were certain I would only live 3 months, but I am still alive. It is amazing what the power of your mind can accomplish when you strive to find the good in hard situations. When you choose to be happy amidst sadness, or difficult things. God knew what He was doing when He gave us our agency. It really is quite amazing that we as humans have the ability to find the good in this life. That we have the choice to be kind, to reach out and help others, to love, to give, to accept, to cry, to be...just to be. I am so grateful for this gift and the choice that I have been given. Each day that I am here, I am in awe of the experiences that I have. They aren't all easy, but they each have shown me how I can choose to live. I choose happy. No matter what life brings to my door. I will find the good. I will.

The Finish Line

Today was our first experience with a track and field day with the kids. What an adventure it was! For weeks my girl has been practicing each event that she signed up for. Daddy has been working with her and giving her tips. Several times she has told us that she was so nervous! I explained to her more then once that everyone gets nervous about doing things at times...even us!  I went on to tell her that I was even sure that Olympians get nervous before a big race, and they practiced all of the time. One night she said; "Mom, what if I come in last?" I looked at her and told her that it didn't matter...just keep running, even if you know you're last, keep running. Don't give up, run as fast as you can, and keep going! It doesn't matter if you're last, it matters if you do your best...it matters if you finish the race. 

  As I watched her line up to the starting line, her arms were in the running position, she was focused, she was ready. They said go, and she ran, she ran so hard, and her little body kept on going. My heart burst with love, and I got a little choked up. I was so proud of my baby girl. She ran her heart out, and   ran across that line! Was she first place?  No, but she finished the race! We found each other and I just hugged her so hard, praising her. Loving her. You finished! You did it!  I love you! I'll never forget her beaming face, her smile spread across her lips. Her determination and heart will be forever burned into my memory. Such joy. Such happiness to finish something she started...even though it was hard. It was such a beautiful moment for me to watch her work so hard at something and complete it. This experience today made me reflect and think about what it might be like to sit at the feet of our Savior when our journey in this life has ended. I imagine He will say something similar to us: You did it! You didn't give up! You kept going even when it was hard! You finished! I love you. I'm sure we will feel Joy. So much Joy, that we didn't give up.  May we all keep trying, keep working, keep loving, keep feeling, keep learning, keep failing, keep getting up, keep being, keep forgiving, keep going, until we cross that finish line.

Time

As I a sit here and try to process the conversation I had today with my Dr, I am overwhelmed, grateful and tired. I know, very strange emotions to feel at the same time. I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to wait for answers. It's emotionally and physically exhausting...but I keep going and we aren't giving up! After our discussion, it took about an hour to really sink into my heart and the tears came. Overall, everything is stable. My liver is quite enlarged, and they're thinking it's from some of the tumors going through the process of necrosis (dying).  They  said there are to many tumors to count, not just in my liver...but this is progress. I sigh a huge relief...and I can breathe easier for the first time in days. After Andy and I visited he said...even tho I'm experiencing symptoms and effects of this cancer. I have been given something priceless and invaluable...TIME. His words were so true! Oh, I'm so grateful for TIME! What a gift it is to be alive!  I've been blessed far beyond I could have ever imagined. Each day is a gift. I'm so happy to be living. Thank you for taking the time to send good thoughts, prayers, love, messages, and more love. God heard you and He heard me...I am grateful! Peace fills my heart and I bask in the sunlight, for it has come.

Hold On

.

Tonight my heart is full of gratitude. I had the opportunity to attend a conference for agriculture and they had  Michael Mclean come and speak to us, among many other uplifting speakers. I was touched by his honesty and the love you could feel in his message and his singing.  When he sang this particular song, tears streamed down my face. His message was powerful and so true. It was as if he was singing directly to me and knew my heart. It seems I have stumbled many times in my life, but I somehow get up and keep going. The light does eventually come, and when it does, it wraps it's loving arms around me. This Monday I go in for my MRI, it is a day that I tend to dread, and worry over. It's a very humbling experience for me to be reminded again and again that I need to put my life in Gods hands.  Even though I have felt worry the last few weeks, tonight I feel so much peace. His message is what I needed to hear. I know that whatever happens, life will go on. I will go on. I will hold on. I will do what needs to be done. I will be strong, and whatever the results are. I know the light will come.

A helping hand

I've really struggled with my body the last few weeks and at times felt a little sad. I am a goer, a doer. I like to be busy and run, run, run...it's in my blood! Yet, I haven't been able to and I've had to slow down...and it's a hard pill to swallow. Certain times I've let the sadness in and it has made my heart feel heavy. I've cried out to my Heavenly Father and shared my soul with Him. Just taking life day by day, moment by moment, living the best I can. I had a dear friend reach out to me and asked me to come to a night out. While there we had the opportunity to listen to a wonderful woman speak thoughts from her heart, which rang true to my ears. Her words were just what my weary soul needed. As I left gratitude filled my heart and my spirits were lifted. I felt remembered. I felt loved. I felt needed. I felt joy. I felt peace. I was reminded that we just never know what experiences people are having in their life's. We just never know how people feel, and the struggles, they might have. We just never know. So don't judge them. We have so much to learn from each other. Let's be honest. Let's love. Let's take time for each other. Let's be real. We are all children of God. Whether we believe in the moon or the stars, the universe, have different religions. We are all human. We all need each other. We can help each other in this journey of life. I'm so grateful to be thought of in a time where I really needed a helping hand. I have renewed hope. I can do this, especially since I know I am not alone.

24

I remember being taught to pray as a young child. Growing up and praying as a family each night and morning. I learned to pray on my own and tried so hard to put my trust in God.  After leaving for college and being on my own I prayed a little harder. I eventually married the man of my dreams, or so I thought...but a short year later my dreams were crushed and I became a divorcee at the tender age of 24. I thought I knew what I wanted in life and after the divorce I was broken. I felt broken. Like all that I had worked for was gone. I felt betrayed and oh so sad. For a while after I prayed so hard, fervently. Stronger than I ever had before...and yet over time I became bitter and lost. I slowly pushed away God from my life. Not wanting to pray. Not understanding. Questioning. So many questions. So many whys. No answers. I decided to stop praying.  A few months later I visited my Gramps. I would sleep over and we would go out to dinner, talk for hours, just be together. I looked forward to this time with him. He loved me and I felt it. I knew it. One night after we said goodnight I needed something and went to his door and was about to knock on it. I stopped because I heard him speaking to someone. I knew we were alone. When I listened harder I froze. I slumped down to the floor in awe and just wept. He was talking to God. It was as if He was sitting right in front of Him, and they were conversing. It was the most beautiful experience I had felt in a long time. It pierced my heart. I stayed through his entire prayer and listened intently. That night I headed back to bed in wonder and I prayed for the first time in what seemed like forever. I eventually found my way back to God. I learned to forgive. Not only myself, but my x husband. I learned that we all have free agency. What happens in this life is not Gods fault. Whatever is given to us in this life is given to us so we can grow. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to fill our hearts with love. We can choose to let Him in or turn Him away. Do you know what? When I was ready He was there with open arms. He loved me as I was and am. He still loves me. He is real. I am so grateful that I can turn to Him and converse with Him. I love Him. What a sweet lesson to really learn at the tender age of 24.

Dancing

Tonight we danced...I'm talking about sweating while dancing, kind of dancing! We had a delicious dinner at my sisters, then she turned the music on. The kids came up in a crowd when they heard the tunes playing. Jumping, kicking, doing the worm, cartwheels, running man, roger rabbit, break dancing. There were giggles, and rosy cheeks. We even had to open the door because It was so hot! If you know me, I'm most always cold! So nice to stop and be in the moment, so many things that could have been done, but were put aside for another time. Kids kept calling out; "Mom, watch me, watch me! Look what I can do!" We watched, and enjoyed the time we were spending together. No phones, no distractions, just us dancing the night away. What a much needed blessing to stop and take the time to be...to feel strength, and joy run through my soul and body...to laugh, smile, look in my families eyes and see pure delight! Oh, the memories we are making, they keep me going. These are the times our kids will remember. It feels so good to dance with those I love. It feels so good to be here. I am happy I am alive, and am patiently awaiting our next dance.

Find the good

The last few weeks I have struggled physically, thus leading to feeling all types of emotions. It is hard to slow down sometimes. I like to go, go, go...but my body and these treatments think differently than my mind. The simple tasks which I do on a daily basis have to be put aside for a while. I can only let in things that I can handle, for the moment...for the small space in time. While talking to my kids the other night I caught myself saying to them to find the good in life. Sometimes life throws you difficult situations, and you have the power to find the good. Even if it's as simple as smiling...because that feels good. I had to remind myself of that as well when I was feeling sad a particular day. The thought came to me: Stop being sad! You have so much good in your life, so much good! I needed to follow that same reminder I gave to my children. Find the good. When life is hard, look outside myself and see how I can help another. Step outside of my comfort zone and be kind to someone I don't know. The older I have gotten and the more I have grown the saying makes more sense to me of not judging others. We do not know what people go through, what struggles they may have...but we have the power to lift and help them in our deeds. Slowing down makes me reflect on life. Where I am. Where I was. Who I am. What defines me.What I will let define me. Who is really in charge! It is a humbling experience...I have decided that I will not let this Cancer define me. It will not beat me. I will find the good. I will reflect good. I will shine. I will live another day...I will be free.