My Baby

Dear Ella,
My beautiful baby girl. I remember the first day I saw you. I knew that my life would be SO much better then it had been, and it is! You were a sweet bundle of Joy, and you still are. You teach me everyday by your example. The other morning I was busy getting ready for the day. The door was open to your room and I heard you talking. I peeked in, and you were kneeling on the floor talking to Heavenly Father. My heart burst, and I walked back to my room, knelt down and followed your example. thank you for reminding me of what's important.
My baby. when I talk to you about being my "big girl" you are quick to remind me that you will always be "my baby"! You always will, no matter what age you are, and I will always be your Momma.
I want you to know how special you are. I know that God sent you to us for a reason, and I am honored to be your Momma. You are so sensitive to the spirit, mindful of others, and loving toward all. You are such a good sister and friend! Little Noah adores you, and wants to be just like you!
I am reminded each day just how thoughtful you are. No matter what I'm doing you are always asking if you can help! You happily set the table, sweep the floor, help me make my shake. I'm so proud of you, and thank you for wanting to help!
I want to thank you for always asking God for my cancer to go away, the first time you said that I cried...you are so young, and know to much already. I know that your Faith, has helped me feel better. I love you my little one. I love you my angel. You're the best thing that has every happened to me, my sweet baby. Never forget how special you are and how much are are loved. I am blessed that I get to spend everyday with you. I wouldn't want it to be any other way. Love you to the moon and back Ella.

Love Momma

Broccoli

A couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to start adding some other veggies to my diet (don't worry I'm still drinking my 4 quarts of green drink), actually it was Andy's idea. That was Andy's first question for me after we saw my Oncologist; "When are you going to start eating?" Lol!
I decided the first veggie would be broccoli because I used to dream about eating it! I know that sounds crazy, but when you're eating the same thing everyday things start sounding really good! So, I steamed it for 3 minutes, drizzled olive oil on it, added real salt, and pepper, took a bite and....it was AMAZING! So delicious, and sweet! I was surprised that the flavor was so mild and tasted like heaven! I couldn't get enough of it! I of course took it slow because I wasn't sure how my body was going to react to eating it. I responded fine...a little gassy (sorry Andy). I never knew how flavorful broccoli was. I. Love. It. SO happy to be eating again. I also tried cabbage, red pepper, romaine lettuce, green beans, celery, zucchini, snap peas, and they were all SO good! I think I'll try Kale next...who knows, it might be just as sweet and tantalizing as Broccoli!

Good News!

On October 27, 2010 we met with my oncologist up at the Huntsman. I had gotten my CT scan on Monday and we were going into see him for the results. I was quite calm the entire weekend leading up to the tests, until the day we were to receive the news. We were both quite nervous and excited. It had been a rough three months with a lot of ups and downs.
We sat down and grace the Physician Assistant told us that there was one tumor in my abdominal area that had grown 2mlm in 6 months (which is amazing considering back in February to May most of them had grown 2-3mlm in 3 months). She then said that a couple of them had shrunk a bit and that all of the others were stable (they hadn't grown in 6 months). She then said they didn't feel like we needed to do chemotherapy at this time and that I didn't need to come in for another check up for 4 months instead of 3! She did an exam and I told her that I knew I was going to get better from this and that I was going to beat it...she replied saying that I wasn't going to, but that she would like me to keep proving her wrong like I have been! I told her I planned on it! She said to keep eating healthy, exercise and to keep proving her wrong! At the end of my consultation my oncologist Dr. Gauw said to us while shaking his head "I don't know what it is you are doing, but whatever it is keep doing it because it's working"! That to me was a payday, and it's made it all worth it!
While walking away from our consultation I was overcome with joy and peace. We have been working so hard everyday for this. Yes it has been a difficult yet rewarding journey, and yes I know we still have a ways to go...but we are on the right path. I know it. I feel it. I live it. Thank you to everyone for your love, support, prayers, faith and hope...it's seriously helped us more then you will ever know.

7 days

Just in case anyone is interested, I thought I'd share with you what I eat in 7 days. Keep in mind that the only solid foods that I eat are tomatoes, avocados, and cucumbers, everything else is pureed, yumm! :)

21 avocados
2.5lb. bag of spinach
14 limes
21 cucumbers
28 scoops green drink powder
6 bottles of chlorophyll
7 gallons of water
1-2 quarts almond milk
sea salt (a lot)
4 onions
8 cloves garlic
25-30 tomatoes
occasionally zucchini, and celery
91 T. oil (yes, I drink it)

And that's all folks! This has been my diet for 3 months! If you asked me a year ago if I would have eaten like this I would have looked at you and laughed! Fortunately I have changed...people can change. We all have choices, we all have free will...we all have the power to make a difference especially in our own lives. By doing this I am hoping for a better tomorrow, and a better me.

Living

I'm Living. Eating. Breathing. Playing. Listening. Crying. Walking. Engaging. Laughing. Balancing. Accomplishing. Wanting. Talking. Loving. Making Memories. Creating. Driving. Laundering. Canning. Smiling. Hugging. Enjoying. Hearing. Singing. Hurting. Yearning. Praising. Celebrating. Wondering. Achieving. Exercising. Alkalizing. Hoping. Watching. Disagreeing. Mending. Learning. Feeling. Questioning. Holding. Being Held. Caring. Doing. Praying. Being. I'm Living. Each day, Each moment, Each breath, Each second, I'm Living...and I'm Happy.

I Am a Child of God

I am a Child of God, and He
has sent me here,
has given me an earthly home
with parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me,
walk beside me.
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
to live with Him someday.

I sing this song to Noah almost every night. (He actually sings along with me.) It is a beautiful song with an amazing message. The lyrics give me comfort and remind me that He has given us so many blessings. I want to live with Him someday.

A new phase

As many of you know I've been doing an Alkaline diet for the last 4 1/2 months. I was following The Body Ecology diet, and protocol. In the beginning of this diet I was extremely ill. My body was going through a "healing crisis". I was exhausted, cranky (so sorry Andy), and worn down. I also lost about 15 pounds. Slowly but surely I began to get stronger and stronger. I felt more balanced and really started loving the lifestyle change. When we went back in May to the Huntsman and didn't see any changes we knew we needed to reevaluate the course of action we were taking.
Andy started researching a couple of different alternative therapies. We had a consultation scheduled for a Dr. out in North Carolina, and then a good friend of mine called me and told me to watch this clip on you tube about a Dr. Robert Young. After watching it I started researching him and his protocol. Out of the 2 Dr's. I felt that Dr. Youngs protocol made more sense and it felt right. On July 2, I had the amazing opportunity to meet with Dr. Young, he wrote The PH Miracle Diet. He also did a live blood cell analysis, which was fascinating. He gave me some guidelines that I will be following for the next 3 months. Today is actually my 9th day, and for the most part I feel really good. For the next 81 days I will be on a "liquid feast". Which means that everything I consume is pureed (certain veggies), and I am allowed to eat tomatoes, cucumbers, and avocados, in moderation. I do a combination of diet, exercise, massage, sauna, colonics, and sunshine...as well as supplements.
Overall, I've had good days and some rough days...life has been made much easier by loving friends and family who have reached out to help make our load lighter, thank you! I have been humbled and been brought to my knees, thanking Heavenly Father for this opportunity...that I may learn and become what He would like me to be. I am excited to be on this journey and am thrilled to have the ability to do this process. I know it is the right path for me to follow. I am blessed by a loving husband who works so hard taking care of me and our babies. He makes our lives easier. One thing is certain that I know with all of my being is that God lives, and he will not leave us alone. May God continue to watch over us all, may we let Him in. May we always find hope in our lives.

The best thing ever..

Each night when it's time for bed, when stories and scriptures have been read, we say "Night, night" to Ella and Daddy, give hugs and kisses. Noah comes with me in his room and Ella stays with Daddy to read a story (Noah insists on me putting him to bed, which I love). I wrap Noah up in his blanket and he has to have his "baby" with him (which is a white lamb), and a drink. I rock him in the rocking chair and ask him what his favorite part of the day was. He says things like Grammy, Papa, Ella, Daddy, swing, pool, play. We talk about his day and what he did. Sometimes I have know idea what he's saying, but we carry on talking with each other. I then sing him lullabies, and before he falls asleep I tell him that he is the best thing that has ever happened to Momma and Daddy. I kiss his sweet head, and face, gently lay him in his crib, tell him I love him, and walk out of the room.
Next stop Ellas. She is usually playing quietly waiting for me. I get her situated and ask her what her favorite part of the day was. She says things like being with her cousins, spending time together as a family, being outside. She tells me what she has done that day, and the things that she would like to do another day. We talk. It is quiet. No noise, just the two of us, we are connected. I ask her what lullaby she wants me to sing...even though I already know which one she will choose. I sing "Lullaby, don't you cry, go to sleep little baby...I touch her face, outlining it with my fingers. I move the hair out of her eyes, and she smiles. She touches my face, and rubs my arm. After a few minutes of singing I tell her that she is the best thing that has ever happened to Momma and Daddy. She gets a huge smile on her face and usually says that she knows! I tell her I love her to the moon and back and she says the same to me. We hug and I kiss her face and head. "Night, night", I say as I walk out of her room. I smile, so thankful our kids know they are the best things that has ever happened to us.

Beauty, is in the eye of the beholder

After my first consultation with my first oncologist 3 1/2 years ago, my biggest concern was, When was I going to lose my hair? His answer: 14 days. At the time that was forefront on my mind, and a major concern. I started my first infusion and was sick, tired, and sick some more. Each day would be 1 day closer to the magic number 14. It was like a count down. I first began noticing a bit falling out when I was in the shower, or brushing it, or when I would pull it back more came out. I had it cut to my shoulders, and had our good friend Jon Canlas come over and take photos of our family to help me remember what I looked like, what we looked like together.
Before day 14 I'd finally had enough. I told Andy I was ready for him to shave it off! He looked at me surprised, and said okay. We waited until Ella was asleep and I sat down at the kitchen table. He got his clippers and started cutting. He made a mullet first (for some strange reason I think mullet's are hilarious) we took some photos, and laughed a lot. My brother Matt wanted me to email him the photos, I told him there was no way in hell I was going to do that! Then Andy gave me a buzz... I thought that I would cry, but I didn't. It was invigorating, I was in control, I was bald, so what! I was still me! I will always remember that moment because Andy and I embraced, he took my head in his hands and kissed my bald head. I have never felt more beautiful in my entire life then when I was bald...This may seem strange to hear, but it is true.

Memory Jar

Today I gave Ella her own "Memory Jar". It looks like a regular old mason jar, but what it holds inside is priceless. I have several of them. To a stranger it may seem like a lot of rocks and maybe even junk, but to me each item inside holds special memories. When I opened mine to show her what was inside she was so excited. She put her tiny hand in the jar and began pulling out rocks, marbles, sea shells, and a flood of memories poured threw my mind and heart. I pointed out the feather that was inside, telling her that while her Daddy and I were dating I found that feather on the sidewalk. I wanted to keep it because it was beautiful and I thought of him when I saw it. There was a rock that had a smiley face drawn on it. Ella had given it to me a long time ago, it is special because she drew on it. She pulled out a blue stone that my Aunt Lorraine had given to me years ago, she collected these and shared one with me, I felt special. I see a few seashells that my dear friend Trudi had given me, when she had traveled to Australia. Each piece I hold or see brings me back to the moment I received it, or found it. I see each face as clear as day, I hear the words that were spoken, I feel the love that was shared between us. My heart is filled with love and I am so happy to have these beautiful memories. Especially since My Aunt Lorraine, and dear friend Trudi have moved onto the next life.
I pulled out a "Memory Jar" for my little Ella, opened it and gave it to her. I told her that this jar was "Special", and she could put all of her "Memories" that she wanted to put inside. Whenever she felt sad or lonely she could open this jar and remember special things about each object, remember the person, animal, or thing. This was something she didn't have to share with her brother, it was her own. She asked me if she could have some of my stones, and shells. I thought for a moment and said "Yes." She carefully put each item into her jar, then added a few things of her own. A favorite plastic spider a friend gave to her, a pine cone she found at my Mothers grave, a rock she found in the backyard...I asked her where she wanted to put it. Up with mine she said, so I placed it on the window sill where she could look at it everyday, where I could look at it everyday, and be reminded of the beautiful memory we just made.

Movin on...

My last CT scan didn't go as I had envisioned. We were told that the tumors were still growing and I needed to decide asap when I wanted to start chemotherapy. We were given 2 different types of chemo to choose from, both in there first phase of testing (which means they haven't been tested on humans yet). We were given a lot of information to read about each one and they wanted us to come back in a month to discuss our decision. Of course we were a little dissapointed, and I cried a little but I decided that wasn't going to help me with anything...so we move forward.
Andy suggested we re-evaluate our course of action. Get rid of the stuff that isn't working, keep the stuff that is, and find new things to try. I've been on my "special" diet for 3 months now, which consists of alkaline vegetables, unrefined oils, quinoa, millet, amaranth, and buckwheat, and I added eggs the past month (which are DELICIOUS)! I get colonics twice a week, which help me feel so much better, I'm taking a green drink, several supplements, and eating A LOT of super foods. I'm doing an alternative treatment every 25 days which is called: The Life Vessel, it's located in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It's light, sound and vibrational therapy. We feel like it's been helping me as well. I've also been doing a treatment called EVOX, and ASYRA. There is so much information out there and so many things to explore and try. It's just figuring out what is the best thing for me, for us.
We have been doing so much the last few months, and we have so much more to do. I feel like my Dr's. are really pushing me to do chemo, which really pushes me to find an alternative to it. A lot of people don't realize that if I start the chemo, they tell me I will be on it the rest of my life. I don't want that.
We are moving forward, with Faith, Hope, and Dedication. I'm not giving up, neither is Andy. We will find a cure. We will. May God continue to bless us all.

Andy

I wrote this to Andy on April 26, 2007, I still feel the same today.

Dear Andy,
I am awake at 7am this morning looking at you and thinking of the future. So many people are telling us it is bleak, but God isn't. I would rather believe Him.
I hope you know that you are the love of my life. I never knew that life could be so good and that I would be granted a second chance. I guess we are given trials to make us squeaky clean for the Lord.
My heart is full. I love you so much, more then I can explain, my whole being. You have made this trial so much easier and you have carried this burden with me. Thank you. Thanks for believing and trusting in me. I want to grow old with you. I want to have more children here on this earth. I want to raise Ella. Oh how much I lover her.
I know that God lives. I know that our Elder brother Jesus Christ is my Savior, and if He has gone below us all, I feel like I can do this. For some reason, some purpose we have this trial. We have learned so much. That life is too short to be angry, that Ella is so precious to us. These things are making us stronger.
You are an amazing Dad. I am so proud of you and how much you have grown. It has been wonderful seeing us as parents, I never knew it was so good. I never knew we could be so blessed, beyond measure. And here we are asking for another miracle.
Sometimes I worry because my main concern is you and Ella. I can't bare the thought of leaving you and my baby, but I have to put those fears in Gods hands. He knows the desires of our hearts. He knows that I want to live, I feel it in my whole being.
I am so grateful, grateful to you for your faith and strength. I have drawn from it many times. I need you, I love you, I want you, I am thankful for you. You have been so strong and amazing. We are so blessed Andy. We have such a good life. I look forward to many more years with you. I love you to the moon and back baby. You are always in my heart. Thanks for being my best friend.
Love you,
Sarah

May 3, 2010

Dear Andy,
Ditto, but with one more kid! I love you so much baby! We're gonna do this!
Love,
Sarah

Remember

Once in a while I feel this overwhelming sadness. It comes from deep within and comes out of my soul and body. I feel overpowered by it, almost knocking me down. I have this surge of emotion where I feel and think a million things at once...My mind is usually racing with thoughts of; "What Ifs?", doubt, worry, and grief...followed by tears of sadness and loneliness...and then the word "remember" comes to my mind. I remember the many blessings which I have received that have given me words of comfort. I remember the promises given in those blessings upon my being faithful. I remember that I'm not alone. I remember that God is with me and will not leave. My tears stop, because I've remembered...followed by peace.

Lucky

This past Saturday I was privileged to be able to attend the Hope For Sarah garage sale. There was one in Payson and in Orem. I call it a privilege because I was able to meet so many amazing and wonderful people. I was surrounded by loving family and friends who spent an entire Saturday donating their time and treasures for me and my family. They had everything there you could possibly imagine from hand dipped chocolate covered oreo's (thanks Candi) to pink disposable razors that sold like hotcakes! We were able to learn a lot of good skills from our top saleswoman Linda, who actually sold a box of razors to a bald man! I was also able to talk to quite a few people who themselves are struggling to fight cancer or have a loved one fighting. I was humbled that so many people cared and were so willing to help. I shed many tears that day, and my heart is overflowing with love. My daughter Ella asked me several times why they were having a sale. I told her it was to help Mama get better. That night in her prayers she said: "Thank you for the garage sale, and for all of the people who helped." I feel pretty lucky, and better already.

Time

Time. I think about this word often, maybe to much. It goes on with or without you. Moment to moment. Breath to breath. How am I spending it? What am I doing with it? What have I done with it? Time. We only have so much of it. Some longer then others, some shorter then others. It is so precious. Cancer has helped me to hug a little tighter, love a little harder, cry a bit easier, say I'm sorry quicker, hold my babies a little longer, and sing just one more lullaby Mama, and when that one is over then sing again. Time. What do you do with it?

Some days I feel like this...

A week after we heard the news from my PET scan I started a new diet. I jumped in full force and have hardly looked back...well to be honest the first few weeks I dreamed of doughnuts a lot! The diet is called an Alkaline diet. I have known about this type of diet for years but never had the desire to do it...here is why: I can only eat land and ocean vegetables, almonds, unrefined oils, quinoa, millett, amaranth, and most seeds and herbs. Which has been very difficult some days, but worth it. I've been completely off of Dairy, Meats, Grains and Sugar for 31 days. Looking back on this month I am amazed and relieved that I've been able to do it. Since starting I've learned a lot of different ways to cook vegetables and they taste good! Which has been exciting for me because I love food and finding new recipes.
I'm planning on doing this phase of the diet for 3 months, and we will see where I am at that time and how I'm feeling. I have felt very strongly that I needed to change what I was putting into my body. I've asked Heavenly Father to heal my body, and in doing so I feel a great responsibility with how I am taking care of myself, and what I am eating. My Dad always taught me that "God helps those who help themselves." I know that this is true.

2 of the reasons why I'm thanking YOU

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank ALL of you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for helping me to bare this burden. Thank you doesn't seem enough, I hope it will do.

Sarah's Story

Sarah had cancer for the first time at age 19. At that time tumors had engulfed her stomach. Doctors removed her stomach and the cancer was gone. We thought everything was fine. Sarah is now 34, married with two children. It is a miracle she is even alive. Three and a half years ago her cancer came back. She wrote this after finding out about the cancer for the second time:

“I have Cancer. I am 31 years old. I have a beautiful baby girl. I have a husband, his name is Andy. I love him so much. I have cancer, but it doesn’t have me. I have a family to raise, a husband to love. I am so young. I want more children. I want to live until I’m 95 years old. I have dreams and desires. I have purpose.

At times I have been afraid, but only for moments. I pray to my Heavenly Father and ask him for guidance, for strength, for life. I feel like it is not my time to go. I do not want to die. I am not ready. This cancer has reminded me how precious life is, how short, how important, and what is important; i.e. family, friends, faith, God, country, human life, people. We are surrounded by so many… Do we serve them, do I? I will. I promised Heavenly Father the day we went into the E.R. The day I thought I had a pinched nerve on my left shoulder, while I was waiting in the x-ray room, I knew something was wrong and I started bargaining.

When we were told I had Cancer in my abdominal wall, fatty tissue, next to that wall, liver, spleen, left ovary and left kidney. We thought it was a death sentence. Andy and I sobbed in each others arms. Andy called family. There were a lot of tears. Blessings were given, prayers were said. I do not remember what was said, but miracles proceeded that night. I do not think it was an accident I went into the E.R. I think it was because God wanted me to live, and learn something or help someone.”

Sarah is living proof that miracles exist. After her first battle with cancer doctors were unsure if she would be able to carry children, if nutritionally she could support a child. She was able to have Ella, when Ella was five months old Sarah was diagnosed a second time. Sarah did traditional chemotherapy, lost her hair- which was the least of her worries. Her initial doctor told her to go home and make herself comfortable. The end was near. There was nothing left to do. Sarah and Andy felt that was not good enough. They went to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. Here they found new doctors. Amazingly the doctor that specialized in Sarah’s type of cancer had recently moved to SLC from Texas . Sarah began a new cutting edge cancer treatment, chemo every day. And it proved to be successful. Sarah and Andy finally had hope and were working towards recovery.

In the spring of 2008 when going in for a regular CT scan, doctors were shocked to see a baby. Doctors had previously told Sarah she was sterile because of all the medication she was on. She would not have more children. Sarah’s doctors recommended they get an abortion. Sarah and Andy did not feel that was the path to take. Noah was born in October of 2008 a healthy baby boy. After all the exposure to medication and to toxic chemotherapy drugs, Noah shows no signs of trauma. He is now a healthy 18 month old.

Most recently Sarah went in for a PET scan. The results have shown the cancer is metabolically active, a smoldering fire, tumors have grown again. When asking doctors what others have done in her situation the response was “There is no one in your situation, others who have had your type of cancer have not lived this long.”

The future is uncertain. But with all the uncertainty, Sarah finds strength, faith and hope in God. This blog will be a way for Sarah to share her story.

Stubborn

One attribute that Sarah has is stubbornness. My dad would say she has always been this way. Sarah has tenacity, strength and endurance. No one is going to tell her how to live her life, not even cancer. That stubbornness might just be what gets her through all of this.

Sarah and Ella

This is Sarah and Ella, about about two weeks after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time in November 2006. Ella was just five months old. Cancer is a strong word, one that creates chaos, instills fear and can suck the happiness right out of the room. On 11/22/2006 I wrote in my journal: "We found out late Sunday night that Sarah has cancer. It is in her liver and spleen and her abdominal cavity. It sounds severe. I have been in shock the last few days. We are hoping and praying for a miracle. I am scared. I am devastated. I want everything to be ok." Over three years have passed since then. We have seen miracles. Sarah has never lost hope, never given up and always looked to God. She has been and will continue to be an example to me.

Sarah's Sweet Family

This is Sarah with her sweet husband Andy, and her two children-ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old.

My Sister

Sarah is my sister. She has cancer. She is also married with two small children. Donations will be used to help pay the mountain of medical bills, a necessary evil to fight this cancer and win.